Saturday, March 10, 2012

Learning to see the cage

My erotic energy is off. Over the past week, I've had the opportunity to make two sexual goals manifest. These are things I have been working toward and dreaming about. In each case, I encountered resistance, a pulling back, a recoil. What are my emotions trying to tell me?

I certainly have the capacity to do the things I want to do. I've done them before. Things are just not right. These things are not resonating right now. Resonate is the right term, I think.

Lately, I've been pouring my erotic energy into making a porn movie. I have not been open to other opportunities. I'm trying to direct things in a specific direction. I do not feel flexible. I imagine the secret to loving “what is” includes flexibility.

That's good, but I still feel off. I'm not really willing to sell my time, or to surrender to another. I need to take care of myself first. Right now, it's too much. How do I strengthen myself?

These journal entries are little windows into my thought processes. Now I turn to the idea that there are times when there is something I think I have to do, or that I think I really want to do but that I resist. So I work on something else but never really let go of what I was avoiding. It hangs over me. I do something that I think prepares me for what I was avoiding... That's not it. I'm fishing... Right now, I want to resolve whatever is going on or discover whatever I need so that I can have a flogging experience. But instead of focusing on being flexible and present in this moment, I'm focused on what I need to overcome myself and get my flogging, or to have my first escort client, or to tape the first scene of my first movie.

In the past, I've mentioned becoming aware of my cage. It's a cage of comfort. One part of me wants to be free. Another part wants to remain comfortable and fears losing the familiar. So what I really want is to be able to care for myself so that I have the strength to be free. It means being comfortable with uncertainty and unpredictability. It means learning to resist the things that I know distract me from my truth. It means developing or encouraging my sense of humor, I think. It means learning to let go of what I think I know so that I can see what really is.

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