Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thoughts Are Lies

This is a journal entry from Monday 11/5/12

I felt like throwing up before work. The other day, I wanted to cry. There are some very deep emotions here.

This morning, I took a med for anxiety. It has calmed me. I feel heavy. I'm still worried, but I can function. My hope is that it can help calm me enough to see my emotions from a more relaxed state of mind.

Wanting to cry and feeling nauseous are probably extreme responses to the stress I feel. I don't fear immediate death, but I fear being yelled at or being disrespected or being perceived as weak and incompetent. I cry because I don't see how to hide my incompetence when it's being tested. I can see people seeing me with exasperation at not understanding the simplest things I should know.

I know that's how I feel about myself. I look at myself with exasperation and disdain. How could I be such a failure. I've tried everything I could. It's not possible for me to excel here with my current expectations of myself.

I can now sense this giant judge inside me. If I'm insulted, he agrees or apologizes for my incompetence. He pushes me to keep up and do more in less time - always goading and judging.

If this is my father, he attacks me because he feels inadequate.

My trouble with work has nothing to do with work and everything to do with me. How can I change?

I recognize myself as the judge. How do I judge more kindly?

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/6/12

I'd like to keep investigating that judgmental part of myself that I found yesterday. The easier I can recognize it, the easier I can act in spite of it.

It's a revelation to know that I don't really fear others seeing me as incompetent or disappointing. It's actually that I'm disappointed in myself, that I can't cut it at this job. It actually feels good to recognize that I'm disappointed in myself.

I think of my self as weak. I feel like I can't trust myself. I judge myself for being a weak sexual pervert. I judge myself for not being true to myself and treating myself like I matter.

I guess I should have given my two weeks notice. I was just told by my manager that a couple of people complained about me in a defect meeting. They said I was vague about the defects and complaining, playing the victim. This on a project that feels like it's killing me. I'm very angry. I'm at my wits end.

I'm trying to figure out why I should care since the best I've done is get complaints. What else can I do?

This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/8/12

I like that I'm beginning to see how I think about myself. It may have come across as negative, but I don't believe my thoughts. In a way, I want to say that I'm finally getting honest with myself about what I'm thinking, but I also have my good thoughts about myself that are just as valid and true. I have some perspective.

Many of my negative feelings come from self judgment. I think I'm not competent at work, that I have failed in life. I think I'm superficial for believing physical pleasure can be healing. It's not that I feel others will look down on me with pity and disgust as much as it is that I think I have reasons to feel pity and disgust. I think that I have less value than other people, that they're more important than me. It makes me want to avoid bothering or disturbing them.

I need to be aware of these thoughts so that I can disagree with them, so I can confront them with the harm they do. When I feel bad, I can recognize the thought behind the feeling is untrue or irrelevant. I think most of my negative thoughts are irrelevant.

This is a journal entry from Friday 11/9/12

Now that I know that I judge myself, it's easier to recognize when it's affecting how I feel and I can call it out. I'm waiting for a phone call from a recruiter. I feel nervous and resistant. I recognize that I'm inappropriately believing that I am less important and insufficient. I recognize that I am important. I look at how I'm feeling and recognize that I can do much better if I stop selling myself short and believe that I deserve good things. I'm not asking anyone to give me anything. I'm becoming willing to give of myself and be appreciated for that.

I'm looking for a job that I can leave at the office. It would be wonderful to be 24 hours per week. It probably can't be too corporate a job. I have skills in programming, electronics, technology, administration and troubleshooting. We may need to downsize our home so I can afford to work less. I have military training. I need more data. I don't have information to compare. I need to see want ads.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/11/12

I've been going through the want ads looking for something different, something I could enjoy. Nothing has clicked yet. I'm looking for a strategy.

I have a sense of an emotion that I would like to feel. It's a relaxed feeling where I can trust myself to be creative. It's confidence that what I am doing is worthwhile, and that I can do it well. For some reason, I imagine that meaning having enough money in the bank that I don't have to think about it.

Financial security is an illusion, but all I really need is work that I can continue for as long as I live. I'm tired of doing what I'm doing now. All the money I have made, I have earned. I don't really know how. If I hadn't been doing something of value, I wouldn't be making money.

How can I do what I have been doing for others for myself instead? How can I do what I've been doing in a new way? What is it that I really do?

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