This is a journal entry from Monday 11/12/12
Anyone who reads my blog knows I'm far from perfect, but there's no telling how many of my readers judge me for this without realizing they are just as flawed. However you feel about what you read here says more about you than it does about me.
I've talked about my life's work before, but I don't really know what that may be. Given my own experience, I sense there are many people who aren't comfortable with their sexual desires. Their desires really don't make much sense. I think they become sexually malnourished because of this and lash out at those who are well fed. I'd like to help teach people how to nourish themselves.
I also imagine there are some who see an idealized life that is devoid of sex except for procreation, where delight of the physical senses is less valid than child like innocence and mental sterility. These believe massage should avoid the genitals and sensory enhancing drugs are immoral and need to be against the law. Prostitutes and drug users are seen as morally bankrupt. The universe is black and white. I'd rather find a balance, encouraging people to live their own truth without infringing on the choices of others, and making it easier for people who have problems to find help without judgment. Legalization and regulation of drugs and prostitution.
Probably most important is to help others break free of something that binds me - the tyranny of money. How can you live today without it? How it keeps those in need in a perpetual state of need. It makes the modern world possible, so I don't know how to escape it.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 11/13/12
There's another aspect driving me right now. Death. Maybe this is behind everything. My t-cells are lower than I've experienced before. I imagine I could start experiencing opportunistic infections anytime. I don't know how many years I have left. I think stress is eating away at my t-cells.
So I feel like I'm wasting valuable time at work and I feel like there's going to be no time in pursuing my calling. So I could have between 1 and 20 years left. How much of that will I be on disability? How much of a burden will I be on my partner and my family?
Many of the gifts I can give don't have a monetary value. I can't convert them into products. Time for my other dreams is running out.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 11/15/12
I noticed that my focus has been changing. It wasn't long ago I decided to focus on my Yoga of Sex class so that I could finish my Sexological Bodywork training. Then I went on vacation and had a chance to work on my first DVD and my video became the priority. Then I became overwhelmed and fed up with work and decided to make a change.
I think to myself that I can get back to my priorities once the current crisis has passed. If I keep changing my priorities, maybe I don't know them yet.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 11/17/12
What is the ideal outcome at this time? I think I have a function to serve in this world. I believe I must already be serving it.
I imagine if I could do what I wanted to do. There are fantasies of being an erotic monk, being intimate with seekers. Maybe I could write a story about that.
I want to learn more, and I learn by teaching. Maybe I should be a professional student.
I want to be able to go on cruises and attend erotic intensives and spiritual intensives and spiritual erotic intensives.
I want to be free to dress as I like, or not at all.
Ideally, I would prosper on freedom. Nourishing myself would allow me to give to the world and the world would support me.
There's not one thing, but many. Living in spiritual erotic community, designing and building software applications, writing, learning. There may be phases to this.
Seeing myself naked in a video with an erection makes me aware of how I have changed. Most people are not comfortable putting their religious beliefs on par with other belief systems. They feel what they believe must be held to or they will be lost, so they defend it and feel threatened by critically thinking about why they believe.
Is my religion true just because I happened to grow up where I did? If I grew up in an Islamic country, my beliefs would need to be just as strong and as fiercely defended.
Logically, no religion has an imperative to be a one true religion. So I've adopted a belief that all religions are valid, but I still filter through the lens of the teachings of Jesus. I don't identify with the rigid close mindedness of the evangelicals. I've adopted the belief that sex is good, so I don't identify with religions that seek to demonize it, but I choose to incorporate beliefs that celebrating sexuality is a valid religious principle.
So, I have many pieces I can use to build my future. Learning, writing, coding, healing, teaching.
In five years, I want to be free to be myself. That means not having my prosperity threatened because I'm an exhibitionist and nudist. I want to be able to spiritually and erotically explore and share what I learn. I want to be free to pursue what interests me without feeling I need to constrain myself to survive.
In ten years, I'd like a permanent facility dedicated to erotic education, advocacy, and freedom.
I want to adopt the philosophy that my prosperity does not depend on the money myth. I believe that God will provide exactly what I need.