This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/24/12
I bring myself back to being centered in consciousness and quiet my mind. I listen. I feel the joy and angst of my heart beating. The love wells up and looks for expression.
Although I still feel anxiety at work, I've also noticed a growing detachment and disillusionment with the world. I think it has more to do with aging than with growth. Trying to push harder isn't giving me more results. The world needs a way to slow down and to stabilize without collapsing in on itself. Is there a way to avoid the collapse of civilizations we've seen in the past?
I think about what we are taught, to get a job and start a career working for corporations, raising families, saving for retirement and retiring. We actually hear very little about starting our own companies or fulfilling our lifetime missions on Earth. The institution of work is part of the fabric of our civilization, so it's promoted over any other paradigm. I think most people are unhappy with their options.
Life is precarious. We don't like that and look for comfort where we can find it. I want to use it as an agent for change - granting courage.
This is a journal entry from Friday 11/2/12
I feel like crying. That's how unhappy I feel about facing my day. My job feels like torture right now. At first, I wanted to focus on feeling my power so that I could change the way I feel. But I think it's important to acknowledge this feeling. It's here to tell me something.
This suffering - if I can call it that - can help me differentiate myself. I can differentiate where I end and my job begins. If I was fully centered in myself, then I wouldn't attach to the circumstances of my job. Impossible expectations wouldn't be able to harm me. Uncomfortable meetings couldn't rock me. I am not my circumstances. I am not trapped. I am free.
I thought I would be able to continue using this job to build my wealth as I continued my work of sexual healing and celebration. Now I believe the cost is too great. I don't feel confident or competent with this company. I don't feel able to keep up with this industry. What is a less demanding fall back? I feel the need to sacrifice. I want to feel joy in my job and my work.
Back to contracting for 24 hours per week? Teaching? I need short hours unless I can align a job with my work. If I had time to “sit still and be” on a regular basis, what would I enjoy doing well?
I'm having trouble recognizing what I do well for others. Helping others.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 11/4/12
I'm torn. I have been trying to make a decision about work. I've decided I want to leave the company. I think it's killing me. I was trying to decide if I should put more effort into this project, or if I needed to give my two weeks notice immediately.
I have not worked on my video and I have not worked for the company. I spent yesterday raising my erotic creative energy. Then I began playing on the Internet, trying to find employers that resonated with me. I have much more unrushed research to go.
For my partner's sake, I will not immediately tender two weeks notice. First, there needs to be an alternative income. I've got two nibbles and I can talk to my old employer about contracting again. That doesn't feel right as it seems like less a change and more like selling myself out and asking for more heartache. I'm feeling pressured to make a move. If I can release the pressure, I can find another alternative.