Spiritual Sexual Community

This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/21/12

I'm doing my best this weekend to connect with my inner commander. It's about honoring my decisions and claiming my authority. It's about having compassion for myself and not criticizing myself for not living up to unrealistic external expectations.

I keep thinking about things I should be doing. I don't want to force myself to do them, but just because I think I should do something doesn't mean I shouldn't.

I am not in control, but I am in command, even if I don't want command. No one else is in charge of me, but I don't want responsibility for my mistakes. We are born to make mistakes. We can't learn to do new things without mistakes.

I don't know how to take the pressure off. I feel like most anything I do is an escape that prevents me from seeing what's keeping me from relaxing. I can escape, but the underlying problem will remain.

I want a clean office, but I don't want to clean it. I see a ton of things I need to get done. Thinking about it makes me feel tired, so I avoid it and it gets bigger. There's a feeling I have to continuously push and that is what I am rebelling against. I'm tired. I can't keep pushing. That is the problem I don't want to face.

I'm tired. I can't keep pushing, but I need to keep pushing. But I'm tired.

Pushing is making me tired. I know I need to stop pushing. It's an ingrained habit. How do I break it? Not by escaping it. Commander, what do I do?

The thought that I need to keep pushing feels like the one that's not correct. It's a false belief. When the magic is strongest is when my power flows freely without pushing.

But I feel impatient. The energy doesn't flow, so I push. I can't force the flow, either. I need to pay attention and support the flow when it's there, but I can't force it. Maybe I can't even encourage it which is what my ego says to do. The flow stops if you're looking for it.

So, stop pushing and don't look for the flow. When I feel the flow, follow it and don't impede it.

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/22/12

I found motivation to get things done yesterday. I bought a cocktail dress from Ross, some comic books from the comic book store, and some mulch to help some grass to grow. I washed and cleaned the jeep. Today, I cleaned up the den for a guest who's arriving in a few weeks.

These are not things that I would have thought were top priority, but it was what called to me.

I didn't have much human interaction this weekend.

I miss having people in my life that I had during my time in twelve step programs. A support group helped me develop and maintain my spirituality. I don't want to lose myself in a group, but some people who share my priorities and encourage me. I want people to laugh with.

Does a group exist that I can join? Can I create the group I want? What am I looking for in my group?

I like the twelve step format, but we don't have twelve steps. I'm thinking maybe a chance to share our spiritual programs, share trouble spots that we want to overcome.

This is a journal entry from Monday 4/23/12

A spiritual support group would be good, but I'm thinking about the camaraderie that existed between people. Conversation and coffee before and after meetings. It's not always deep and profound. It seemed to me to work because there was a regular get together of like minded people. It's easier than scheduling a coffee date because it just happened. I'm back to needing a community, a support group. I want sex and spirituality to be a part of the conversation. These can be tough topics to start, so there should be some way to facilitate it. It should be practical and useful

I saw a TED talk on vulnerability. There is a need to be vulnerable if you want to live an authentic fulfilled life. It means sharing who you are without the mask and risking rejection in order to connect with those who won't reject you. I want to go back and make some notes about it as there were some characteristics that are important I'd like to learn.

Maybe it was that people who are most happy and fulfilled pursue vulnerability as a way to find there authenticity. Again it feels like it's time to come out of the closet as a sex positive being.

It feels like I'm creating a new theology. There is only one God, regardless of your beliefs about him. Christian, Jewish, Islamic,... One and the same God. We all worship differently. One spirit. Science is a religion, too. It becomes a religion when you extrapolate beyond the scientific method to claim it is the greatest truth, but I digress.

I want to get together on a regular basis with people who want to explore and share their sexual/spiritual journey.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/1/12

My partner is on his way to New York. I am on my way back to Austin. I look forward to seeing him again.

I need more people in my life. More lovers. My perspective is changing and I need help to preserve that. My consciousness is moving from a place of valuing money to valuing service. If everyone gave selflessly, why would we need money? I don't need.

It seems hard to open my heart. I felt it at Dear Love. So sad and sweet. When do I find joy? Maybe when I let go of my addiction to "sad and sweet," when I let go of my addiction to "life is hard." It's time to stop pushing and start flying

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I want to see to my spiritual program. I want something heart centered and disciplined, probably involving self pleasuring. I want something that helps me live in the present and trust that it is good. I could focus on the awareness of the unity of all life, but I'm not ready to surrender the idea of a benevolent spirit that guides and creates us. I may reach the point where these are equivalent, but I'm not there yet. I like the way twelve step programs allow for sharing of experience strength and hope. I need some fellow sex monks.

Porn Prayer

God, we thank you for this beautiful day and for the opportunity to serve you. We ask that you would be with us today as we celebrate your gift of sexuality for all to see. We pray that our gift of sexual exhibition will inspire those who watch to embrace and accept their own sexual desires. We ask that you soften the hearts of those who judge us and help them to see that our unique gift comes from you and through us in our videos. We also ask that you would protect those who are not yet mature from viewing this material.

Nudist Community

In case it wasn't clear, I'm a nudist. I avoid clothes whenever I can. They're useful for keeping warm in the winter, protecting you from the elements and protecting yourself from snakebites in the woods, but I can't find much other use for them. Certainly there must be a nudist community that my partner and I could join somewhere. Searching for Nudist Community on Google takes you to the Wikipedia page. I can't find any communities, but I'm starting to collect info.

I don't necessarily need an entire town that is clothing optional, but that would be nice. If there was a neighborhood somewhere or some condominiums where I could live that was clothing optional, that would be so wonderful. When I'm naked, I feel closer to God. I present myself as I was created.

I'm also a very sexual person. I believe that sex is good. I believe that complications people experience in their sex lives comes from a lack of self-acceptance. It does seem to take a level of maturity to be able to enjoy sex that can be anything from recreational to spiritually transcendent, but the rewards are so profound. My partner and I are not monogamous, but we are in a committed relationship. We love and trust each other to be there for the long haul.

Now my partner and I are looking for where we can live and have these needs met. Where are people accepting of sexual diversity? Where can I safely live my life as a nudist? If I can't find this place, I would like to build it. I envision a clothing optional resort. This resort wouldn't be a sex club, but can act as a host for sex workshops. It shouldn't be all about the sex, but it should be sex positive. There should be safe spaces to play. There should be places where you're safe from unwanted advances. And even a place that was "family friendly" in the naturist sense. This would be a healing place and I would spend most of my time there - nude most of the time.

Anyone who would like to join me is welcome. Maybe this is more than just a resort. People would be welcome to live there permanently with me. This could be the core of a nudist community - but only if we can find a place where the neighboring communities will accept us and not prevent us from growing. Should this be in Palm Springs? Maybe the San Fernando Valley? Are people in the San Fernando Valley more sexually accepting since it is the "porn capital?"

Authenticity

Rex Harley is not my real name.

How can I talk about authenticity when I'm using a false name? I am not authentic. I'm on a path to being more authentic.

If I were to use my real name, I could lose my primary source of income as a Java/Web developer. In my day-to-day life, I avoid talking about my passions for fear of offending someone or losing my job. While the U.S. is more accepting today than it has been in the past, people judge you severely for expressing your sexuality if it doesn't match an artificial (and false) normality. This is tragic because none of us meet this mystical magical "normal" that people talk about. Just ask Alfred Kinsey.

So no, I'm not authentic today. But I am on a path to authenticity. My consciousness is focused on finding income streams that will not be threatened by my sexuality or spirituality. I'm feeling my way forward and trying to slowly be a bit more authentic with each passing day. Always strive to make progress.

We all have sexual desires that we consider unusual or even abnormal. Take a look at Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, or Larry Craig (Badmouth.net). They weren't actually abnormal, but just dishonest. If these men had found a way to be honest with themselves, they might be happy. Hopefully they wouldn't be doing as much damage to our individual liberties. They insisted that others suppress themselves only so that they could shield themselves from their own desires.

So try to make peace with who you are and with your human desires. Find how to integrate your sexuality with your spirituality. Take it one day at a time. The Internet gives us a great way to find others we can work with to explore our desires without threatening our livelihoods, but let this be a doorway. Bit by bit, form a network of mutual support. None of your desires are evil. Of course don't harm anyone or expose anyone too young to adult topics.

Rex Harley is my authentic self. I am building this life to reflect who I truly am. Someday when it's safe and I can support myself financially, I plan on stepping into that life. I may lose some important people in my life, but I'll be authentic and unafraid.