Self Apology

This is from a journal entry dated 8 October 2009:

I have a sense of how I've been hurting myself and I'm trying to make amends. I'm paying attention to how I feel. I've been ruthless in trying to make myself more productive. I feel tired because I feel so much pressure. I need to heal the rift within myself.

I am sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing. I am worth so much more than the way I've been treated. How can I make it up to myself? Stop being so demanding.

I have pushed so hard when all I wanted to do was curl up and hide. I need to know that I'm doing a good job, that I'm worthwhile.

October '09 Insights

• I'm tired of fighting with myself.
• How wonderful to live completely in the moment. If I'm alive in the moment, then there's nothing to fear for that moment. How do I move past the fear filter? Maybe by noticing it.
• I want to be free.
• I am limited only by my imagination and my creativity.
• I don't need a destination if I've already arrived.
• I already have everything I need to live my purpose.

Things I want:

1. I want time to lay out and relax without focusing on accomplishing anything.
2. I want to find other ways to nourish myself.
3. Everything I do can be according to a broader plan and not simply doing things from a list.
4. I want to eliminate things that don't feed my soul.
5. I want to honor the fact that I've already arrived. I can always continue to grow, but I don't have to accomplish anything else before I'm "ready" or "complete."
6. I want to hire people to do more tedious work so that I can have time to be more creative.
   

• My experience of the world around me occurs completely within me. I believe this inner reality through which I interact with the world (called consciousness) is actually God. If that's true, then I literally experience my existence through God in me. Everyone does.

Power of Meditation

These days, when something makes me angry, I don't attach with it. It passes in a few minutes instead of a few hours or days. I find it easier to do things that would normally make me procrastinate or spend time feeling overwhelmed. Patience is productive.

I think most of my earlier procrastination was actually coming from impatience. Every task seemed like it would take too much time. Now I stop trying to fit so much into my day, but I still move forward.

I finally found a tool that feeds and nourishes my soul. I've been meditating regularly. While I meditate, I train myself to focus on being present in the here and now. I let go of past and future. I become aware of the quiet eternal part of myself that isn't rushed. The more I get in touch with that part of myself, the less my world is rocked by whatever happens. When I am upset, it becomes a tool to help me get in better connection with that quiet part of my soul.

Slowly I begin to believe there's nothing I can't handle.

My Truth - Updated 13 February 2009

Today, I am happy and relaxed, confident and powerful.

Today, I fulfill my core mission and live my divine purpose.

Today, I quiet my mind and unleash my power in support of my core mission.

Today, my partner and I have an unconditional and ever deepening love for each other and our intimacy grows every day.

Today, I am completely safe being totally open and honest with my thoughts and feelings. I am respected and loved for everything that I am.

Today, my life is simple and uncomplicated. I permit my lift to unfold.

Today, I prosperously be myself and live my dreams.

Today, I write my own software products in support of my core mission.

Today, I live as part of a tribe of men who share my values.

September '09 Insights

Instead of trying to figure who I am, how can I let myself be myself?

What I do is not who I am. I am greater than my job and obstacles. My job is a small part of my identity. It can't hurt me.

I affirm that I am already who I want to be, doing what I want to do. I am greater than any labels. I can't be trapped.

I begin here. It's possible to be happy and fulfilled. I don't have to fear death or struggle to live. I can accept circumstances, stop struggling, and give myself what I need.

August '09 Insights

• I believe that the underlying principle that brought life into existence will continue.
• While I believe in free will, I also believe that there is a divine plan for my life - for everyone's life.
• I believe we are naturally drawn to our path, but that ego leads us off the path. I feel driven by ego and off the path.
• I believe the only part of myself that feels threatened by life is my ego. It's what feels disrespected in traffic. It responds to anger with anger.
• I believe I can take it down a notch. Everything is not critical. Everything is OK just the way it is. Life is always in a transition. Nothing remains the same.
• Up until this point, my life has felt heavy. Life has felt jagged and unsafe - compared to having all my needs met as a child. I have abhorred expressing emotion, but the only emotions I can suppress are happy ones. So I only experience fear, anger and sadness. I want to believe this is not my natural state, but that it is something I can release to uncover myself. I want to believe that I can experience life and feel safe and express joy.
• I am not my thoughts. I am not my ego.
• Only my ego feels overwhelmed.
• Only my ego feels threatened.
• Only my ego feels disrespected.
• Only my ego feels fear.
• Only my ego feels anger.
• Polyphasic sleep schedules don't work if you are naturally tense, drink coffee, or have trouble sleeping.
• If I'm not where I want to be today and if I feel hopelessly stuck - I have at least one alternative: Growth. It doesn't matter how I'm earning money as long as I'm growing.
• No matter what happens, it's a vital step in my personal evolution and I will be OK.
  

July '09 Insights

• I want to follow my heart and not give a hell what anyone else thinks about it.
• I can be happy now. I don't have to wait. I can let go of the outcome. I can relax and be myself.
• When criticized, do nothing. The ego wants to self-repair. Instead, allow it to be diminished - Eckhart Tolle
• No matter what appears to be, it is always true that I am free. It always has been and always will be my choice.
• My energy is overflowing. I use that energy to suppress that energy during the work day to do work that I don't want to do. I come home depleted of my energy. Learn to release the energy.
• Know that everything that happens is for a greater good.
• Remember to love someone.
• It's more important to me to be happy than to be right.
• My love is greater than any petty disagreement.