This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/17/2008
I have plenty of time to get things done, if I were to actually do them. I tend to avoid doing things and dread doing them. Like the past week or two at work. I've been working on a design for some changes to the application. But I've been avoiding it as much as possible. I don't know if it's because it's boring or because I'm afraid of exposing my ignorance. It's possibly the latter. I also avoid talking to people as much as possible. Do all my current concerns come from a fear of people and of failure?
I'm also curious if part of the reason I avoid getting things done is because I sense there's something more important that should be done first - but not being able to decide. I seem to have been doing better since I started taking time in the morning to just sit. Sometimes I focus on God. Sometimes I just go with the stream of consciousness. This is probably one of those "more important things" that I don't have time for.
I still have the sensation that if I would quit dawdling, there would be plenty of time. That the time crunch is coming from procrastination.
But maybe the procrastination is the only thing keeping me from being busy all of the time. Maybe if I started taking more time for myself, I would have less need to procrastinate.
So I want to move from procrastinating to consciously taking more time for myself, and overcoming my fear of other people. It's not so much fear of failure, but fear of being uncovered as a fraud.