Today's Artwork

I decided to post the artwork I created during today's Orgasmic Yoga session.

i SERVE
Everyone deserves to be loved.
I am not limited to who I have been.
OPEN HEARTED
I may sacrifice everything I have known.

Everything I think I know is inside me.
I recognize and express my power in all my activities.
I want someone to f**k me.

During today's session, I confirmed my desire to look for a new job. The place I work now is eating away at me. I feel extremely unhappy about it, although I know I am create my reality.

I am open to the universe guiding me to a new job that nourishes me and allows me the time and resources to pursue my life's work. That feels like working 24 hours per week someplace where I can wear my nosering down and proud. I want it to align with my mission in some way. I want to be respected as someone who wants to be a sex educator and advocate and acknowledges the spiritual dimensions of erotic intimacy. That's a tall order, but I don't want to hide anymore.

The Search for Goals and a Plan

This is a journal entry from Monday 10/15/12

I wonder how much time off I would need to feel balanced again. I'm not ready to go back to work. I”m already feeling dread and can't stop thinking about it. I'm tired of the tension. I need to give it more or get out. I need a job where I can feel my power, or rather I want such a job. I want time alone to go within and be. I'm tired of having to perform, or feeling like I have to perform all the time.

I'm demanding on myself. It's OK to do whatever I want. I still want to know how to support myself while I do that. I sense that I can support myself outside of a forty hour per week job. I think I can convert divinely inspired ideas into wealth, health and prosperity. I'm also concerned about American's fabulous excesses when so many are in poverty. I wish to nourish all parts of my soul, including the impoverished.

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Thinking about all the creativity and energy people put into Halloween displays makes me wonder what would happen if it could be spent solving the world's problems. The world is in crisis, and that is what it's supposed to be at this moment. Americans see images of poverty and violence around the world and become more isolationist. Not everyone. The world is more dynamic. Some donate. Some lobby. Many narrow their focus to stay afloat.

We all need to nourish ourselves so that we may benefit others. I keep trying to figure it out, but there's nothing to figure out. The Universe will take care of itself with or without me. I need a sabbatical.

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This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/16/12

I need to not feel trapped. I'm thinking about a sabbatical to find out what is mine to do. I want time to let my vision come out without being continuously beat down by work. I want to be productive, but I feel tired.

I guess you need a plan to take a sabbatical. I don't have any vacation time for next summer's intensives. Could I do two or three over the summer to finish what I was trying to do and get my certification as a Sexological Bodyworker? Could I find a lower pressure job to take for six months that gave me the time I need? Can I use my sabbatical as a way to explore more fulfilling ways of making money? Independent business? How do you turn an idea into money? What else can I produce? How do I stop keeping myself from flowering?

I think the key really is to get out of my own way. I want some practical way of doing that. Getting out of my own way. Clearing my roadblocks. There's nothing you do to flower except to nurture and allow and protect. How do I protect myself from work? Do I leave it or find a way to embrace it?

• Identify roadblocks.
• Self nurture
• Clear roadblocks
• Pleasure
• Meditation
• Community

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This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/17/12

Nurturing myself doesn't mean satisfying every desire and self indulgence. That hasn't made me feel happy before. It means taking care of my animal. It means keeping a positive attitude, acknowledging my power.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 10/18/12

It doesn't feel intuitive or easy to keep things in perspective. My experience at work can't hurt me. All I'm doing is being and thinking and interacting during the day. I am not being threatened or tortured or mistreated. Nothing they say can harm me. The most they can do is fire me or lay me off. But I struggle. I want to accomplish my tasks. I'm afraid of disappointing people. When I can't do these things, I feel frustrated. I've felt very frustrated for a long time.

Why do I care? If someone else had unrealistic expectations, why do I feel hurt or pressured to meet them? I am always absolutely OK. No one can hurt me. I'm OK.

I can't control my emotions. Can I calm them? Can I protect myself from them? I feel so damaged.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/21/12

I want a simple plan. I can create. I am always creating. I want to come from a place of power. I don't want to be pushed around by work and life, at least not emotionally.

I have made plans before. Some have been complicated. Others have been oppressive or uninspiring. I want a plan I can use. I have lots of good ideas, so many that there's too much to do.

Taking time to get to know my power is the most important thing I can think of. Letting myself not be oppressed by fear. Letting my neck stretch. A good goal is learning to do that all the time.

I've always wanted to be the sidekick. I don't want the responsibilities of the hero. But I resent it when my own vision languishes. I want time to explore my vision, to let it unfold. Where do I want to go? I want to be financially independent where I don't rely on a job for income and insurance. This could be self-employment, or winning the lottery, or years of saving. It could mean trusting God to meet my needs. How do I do that?

Aside from this, I don't really know what I want. Writing software can be fun. Exploring Sacred Intimacy is scary and rewarding. I love the ideas of physics, but not the math.

Time continues to confound me. I don't have the time that I want to spend on my ideas. The world is so fast paced. Work takes up so much time. I want to design and write my own software. I like the power I feel creating something in that way, but there's too much other stuff to do.

I need help. If I had enough money, other people could take care of the time consuming stuff so that I could be creative. This may be the aspect of power I explore next. Can I create a world where I can be creative? I don't want to be manager of that. I want time to create.

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I feel impatient, that time is running out. I don't want to “run out the clock.” But I also don't want to rush past things that are important to me.

When I was thinking about college and career, I went to the library and took notes and made copies of things that I thought I would go over when there was time. There was never any time. I've never had time to go as deeply into things I want to study and to explore. Everything around me goes too fast. I'm tired of it Is that a goal?

It's a quality of life. I want time to take care of my body and mind. I want a million dollar idea.

Key West Vacation Journaling

 My partner and I went to Key West for vacation from 10/6 through 10/16. This post doesn't really talk about that much, but records the journalling I did while I was there. I recorded my first video with another man on Saturday 10/13 that I will be including on my first DVD and posting to XTube, so I'm excited about that.

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This is a journal entry from Monday 10/08/12

I'm on vacation. My intention is to relax my mind. I wish to use that relaxed state to imagine. I've never liked having to focus on how to earn money. That's part of the cultural foundation in which I live, but I wish to go deeper. The question isn't “how do I make money?,” but “what do I wish to give.”

I believe that part of that is developing and maintaining my consciousness. I am part of the same field of consciousness as other men. Yesterday on the boat, I felt separate. I lacked confidence and did not want to interact. My energy was low.

I need to be naked. It helps me connect with that innocence that is the foundation of life.

Now that I am away from the tension of work, my neck feels longer from not hunkering it down.

One of my difficulties is that when I try to see what is mine is that I see problems to overcome. It's hard for me to imagine the truth that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be, but that is the crux of my message. That's what I want to focus on, my intention for the week.

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I have infinite capacity to be. I can be naked. I can be homeless. I can be insane. I am unlimited. I have infinite capacity to create.

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This is a journal entry from Tuesday 10/09/12

My intentions:
To relax my mind.
To know everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be.

I want to stop being so uptight. I don't know the key to that. Trust? I want to relax my mind, but I don't want to miss my whole vacation. I want to do what I want and enjoy myself.

I think the answer is what I discovered in Byron Katie. I'd like to cooperate with the universe, living moment by moment and finding fulfillment. I've been trying so hard to decide what to do, to be the cause continuously. All I see is me. I create what seems to come from outside me. I can let the world come to me. I can meet the world.

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This is a journal entry from Wednesday 10/10/12

I have low self esteem. I trust other people more than myself. I am afraid of people. I try to hide who I am even when I don't know what that is. I am faking it. I've always recognized feeling shy, but I have not linked it to this feeling of not having the same value as other people. I let others be who they are and try not to judge them and then try not to offend them with anything I do. This is why I have such good experiences when I sit and let myself be aware of my power. If I can feel that sense of empowerment when I'm with other people, then I will be free. Then I am free.

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This is a journal entry from Friday 10/12/12

I'm trying to decide what to do. I would still like to make the video, but I'm having trouble figuring out the location. I'd love a nice outdoor shady spot, but the spot reserved for massage is in sight of the cafe. Outdoor space is limited.

I haven't spoken to management here about what I'd like to do. We still haven't got a massage table. I need to speak to someone here who has power.

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Either I don't really fit in this world or I fit too well. I don't see anyone else as naked as I m and as sexual as I am, but other men sometimes let down their guard and stop acting like prudes.

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 10/13/12

I may be recording my first video with another person this morning. I am nervous. I accidentally came last night while high on poppers, so I wanted to call and cancel. I keep finding opportunities to cancel.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 10/14/12

I was able to get the footage yesterday for my DVD. I was able to stick with it and feel good about it.

I don't feel relaxed. This resort has the promise of sex, but it's still hard to come by. The energy here is draining. Since we recorded my movie, we've lost our seats by the pool. There was no where else here to relax but the room which defeats the purpose of being in a resort.

I was up late last night and did way too many poppers. I want to relax before going back to work, so the texture of my vacation needs to change.

Still Searching for Power

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/24/12

A new week. I went to the orthodontist to see what my teeth will look like. My partner went to work early. I have to work early tomorrow. I sent my mother some candy and flowers for her birthday. I am building my vision.

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 9/27/12

I feel angry at myself for feeling so exhausted and tired. I don't want to judge the way I feel. It just is.

I'm here in the Jeep and allowing my power to rise. I don't want to raise my energy, but to recognize that I already have it. My power runs deep. I am already powerful.

It's time for strategy. I think part of the strategy is focus. Trying to advance in my job at the same time as trying five different ways to start a new one isn't working. I want to develop laser like focus on my mission. Do I need a new job? Forget about expanding my skills. What am I called to do now?

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This is a journal entry from Friday 9/28/12

There's something even better than realizing there's nothing I have to do when I wake up and being able to decide at that time. That is realizing there's no need to decide. Now, I can relax into the present moment and recognize my power. I can keep my mind off of churning about what to do next. I can daydream.

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/29/12

My intention today is to recognize and express my power.

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I'm moving from surviving to creating. I'm thinking about what I want to contribute to God and the Universe. I Am the universe that I know. Discord I see outside is actually within. The greatest that I can conceive is also within me. How can I perceive infinite benevolence within me? How can I perceive the awe that is the depth of my soul?

Don't think about what to do today. Focus on being here now and see what arises.

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I don't want to sit here. I want to accomplish things and get things done. I don't want to wake up Sunday night and wonder where all the time went. This is producing anxiety. But anxiety is stepping out of my power. I can use my power to give myself what I need. My power puts me above the fray.

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I want to feel free to do more. I want to act without thinking. I want to let go of control. I'm afraid of feeling my feelings. I'm acting in spite of my fear. I still think it starts with feeling my power in the present moment. I suspect that it will take longer at first, but the more I put into it, the time can shorten. First feel my power to be free and to do or not do as I choose. Then take that awareness into my activity.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/30/12

My intention has been to recognize and express my power. At least part of that power would have to be the ability to embrace stillness. We often think of power as begin active, while believing being passive is being weak. But nothing can be active all of the time. There is always a need for recovery, or the organism dies. Even the heart pauses between each beat.

Many of us are driving ourselves, always trying to push forward. The world we have created is moving so fast that when things slow down to a steady pace, it is seen as a recession.

My theory is that each one of us has the ability to express near infinite power when we are aligned with our true nature. My goal is to design my life so my energy can flow and enrich my world. If I can learn how to do that myself, maybe I can help others learn more easily.

It means letting go of fear. And that means acting in spite of fear. It means disempowering fear.

Slowly Tapping into My Power

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/17/12

Nothing is required. I don't have to go running. I don't even have to go to work. I am free to do as I choose without guilt or second guessing. Whatever I choose to do is OK.

I say that because of the way I felt when I woke up this morning. I felt like I was required to do something that I didn't want to do. I had to. I was supposed to. That wasn't me. Each moment is new. I can't force myself to do something tomorrow and I don't have to do something that I planed yesterday. I am always free. I am always powerful.

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I want to be aware of my power, not pump myself up. I want to let go of the tension caused by self doubt.

I'm still leading my double life. They don't know that I'm an erotic healer at work. I still think of the job as my source, although I know that God is my source. I still fear finding another job because God might not approve and decide to decrease my income.

I believe I can trust myself as long as I can release this anxiety. In this moment, I can trusts myself. I have power. I am complete . My mission is to serve.

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This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/18/12

I'm trying to discover what I need to be happy at this job. I feel uncomfortable in the cube. Where would I feel empowered? I love hearing the birds and the wind in the trees.

I am always powerful. I am already fulfilled. The key for me is to relax into my power. The key to great ideas that lead to prosperity is having fun, playing.

I need help, but what do I need?

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This is a journal entry from Thursday 9/20/12

I followed my plan this morning. When I woke up, I took time to choose what I was going to do. I didn't try to force myself to get up and do anything. I chose to run, and I did. My heart is happy for the exercise.

My issue isn't really freeing myself from my constraining job. It's really about freeing myself from myself. I will not be a captive to decisions I've made  yesterday. I now seek to free myself from my past and future. I can help myself by having some options handy, but I am free to make it up as I go along. What does discipline look like in this case?

Maybe discipline means choosing an activity and following through with that decision no matter what. Do I have the discipline to live in the present moment and be free from past decisions and future fears? Do I have the discipline to allow myself to be free?

I've downloaded a trial version of a video editing software that let's me edit the files that my new hi def camera produces. This should be sufficiently DVD quality to produce a DVD. My goal is to produce one quality DVD that I an use to showcase my skills in all areas of the process.

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I just began thinking about an aspiration I had back before I started feeling like I had no time. I wanted to build my own tool for building websites. I wanted to use object oriented PHP. I chose not to reinvent the wheel. It would still be fun, but Google's blogger application has more features. It still needs an access level control.

I'm thinking more now about an educational tool since I'm unhappy with the Yoga of Sex site. So now I have plenty to choose from. How do I keep them in mind without having them weigh on me?

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This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/22/12

I have accomplished what I wanted to today. I ran and took the cat for blood work. Now I'm asking what is mine to do for today, without limits. I look within. Maybe I am in silence. Maybe I am shopping. I want to serve. Something needs to be done that I can do today. My goal is to help someone in need. That may mean asking for help.

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This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/23/12

I'm slowly moving forward on my Yoga of Sex class and I'm moving forward to make my DVD.

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The only place magic exists in the universe is in our hearts and minds.

There is so much more to the world than what I can see and hear. I have infinite potential. Whatever I can conceive is mine in my heart. How can I tap that infinite life within me? It's like I'm uploading myself into a larger reality.

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I'm not interested in how to make money. I am interested in learning how to open myself to this divine flow of healing and let it manifest on Earth.

Transcending Work and Violence

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/9/12

I've been feeling tired. It's hard to distinguish this from depression. I sense a bigger world than the superficial one that most of us focus on. I sense a need to stop taking things so seriously. I also feel powerless in my own life. I sense there are many things I want to do, books to read. There's too much. A billion things seek to grab my attention, but I have the responsibility to throttle what gets in. I create my world. I don't have to feel bad about saying “no.”

I need to make time to feel tired. Resisting exhausts me. When I think of the next thing to do, I feel overwhelmed. Too many things... One more thing... Another blog. Another assignment. Another book to read.

I don't want to waste more time. What then? Move back to the center There is nothing to be done. Everything is perfect now. Fretting about how to use time does not serve me. I let go of external judgment.

I have power. I am ready to own it. I let go of judging myself by the worlds standards. So if I stop looking at it backwards, what is mine to do?

This is a journal entry from Monday 9/10/12

What do I need to do to free myself to live my purpose? Let go of the ideas of a job and how to earn money and discern my work. Instead of wondering about how to support myself, focus on freeing others, sexually. Focus on the right questions like “How can I help free people who don't know they need help?”

I need to stay focused on myself where I can be aware of God's presence. I am the source of meaning for my world. I am always a clean slate. I take time to come back to myself where I can know reality. I am a bubble of awareness. I am the center of all I know. God is greater than anything I can imagine, and I can know that.

My troubles aren't real. I imagine them. I find myself asking the wrong question of “how can I get out of this job?” I created it. “How can I be prosperous.” I create that as automatically as I created my job. I create any amount of money I choose. How about $200,000? How do I make that real? Remember that I give meaning. I create meaning. What does $200k before the end of the year mean for me? It means I understand how to create. It means I can create it again. It means I can attend more than one intensive next year. It means I have time to complete my Yoga of Sex  class. It means I have time to make porn. It means I can relax. $200k isn't much for what it can buy me. Plus I give everything that I receive.

This is a journal entry from Friday 9/14/12

I like the money that I'm making, but this job isn't working out. I will be taking vacation in October. Because of that, I will have no time for Creating Sacred Intimacy, and maybe no time to visit my family next year. The insurance coverage is also lacking.

While I'm exploring how to be more authentic in my life by merging my mainstream corporate aspects with my erotic healing aspects, my current corporate job is depleting me severely. I could look for ways to recover more quickly, and I may do that. But I also would like to find a way to either work fewer hours or have work that supports my mission of erotic healing and wholeness. I may not mind making less money for a while, as I gain experience and clients.

This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/15/12

My job is to see harmony in chaos. It comes back to one fact. In this moment, I am alive. I am experiencing only good. It's gratitude for what's in front of your nose.

It's amazing to me that instigators of violence are having so much impact in my consciousness. Do we wish to quell the violence, or encourage it. When does peace take root?

We live in a multiverse. Each of us carries a universe within them containing all we've ever known and experienced. Our universes overlap. This is where the harmonies and melodies arise.

The violence across the world has caught my attention. I am affected by an inflammatory video. I am offended by the violence it has provoked, but feel peaceful protests are beautiful. I am offended by people who seem to want to perpetuate the violence by refusing to acknowledge that the video is offensive when they defend our rights to make offensive videos. Satan is very pleased with himself.

All of that is within me. It is heartbreak. It is fear. It is disgust. I create all of it. That is my part.

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Once during a self pleasuring ritual, I saw that I was standing opposed to those who would control others. I saw people who were afraid of those who pursued pleasure through sex and drugs and other forms of sensuality. They rely on laws and police and intimidation and shame to prevent others from enjoying their sensuality, and I feel opposed to that.

I now recognize that if I sense that in others, it exists within myself. It is duality. Sensuality and spirituality, order and chaos, good and evil. I am both because I am the universe. I am for freedom. I am for God. God seems chaotic as he gives spirit obstacles to outgrow, but he is the growth that overcomes obstacles.

I am whatever I stand opposed to, so I want to oppose nothing.

My Work, My Job, My Family

I've just about completed another Yoga of Sex assignment recently. Read a little about it on my ADULT blog.

This is a journal entry from Monday 8/20/12

How to nourish myself at work?

I am my own universe, a reflection of God. I have a responsibility to care for myself, for my interior world where the boundaries between interior and exterior blur.

I have been thinking more about Sacred Intimacy. At Healing, I again became concerned that I was inadequate at being a Sacred Intimate, that I didn't have what it takes. I still fear that God has great challenges in front of me, rather than great rewards. I would like to change my attitude to one of expectancy.

I also thought abut the time at Dear Love where my roommate had an overnight guest. I didn't recognize it as a boundary that had been crossed. I didn't perceive it that way even to this year except that the guest felt guilty. Now when I reflect, I wonder if things would have been different if I had been invited into their experience in some way – to be erotically acknowledged. Now, looking back, I recognize that I felt inferior. The needs of others were more important than my needs. I felt out of my league. I don't easily perceive my own power or worth. I have worth. I am valuable.

I appreciate that David is so open to my family. I appreciate that I am taking care of my mouth.

 

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/25/12

I'm just trying to survive until my family leaves, but I can do better. I feel tired. I'm trying to psych myself up. Why can't I relax? My family is strangers. I want them gone so I can relax.

I've played a particular role with them so long that I can't relax and let down my shields. I can't relax. I feel defensive and sensitive.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/28/12

I had my first Orgasmic Yoga session in a long time this morning. I felt anticipation as I went into the temple. I hadn't realized how much I missed it. Now I turn my attention to my practice, learning how to develop and maintain the feeling of community I had after Healing. What did I do? Maybe it was enough to be among men focused on healing.

To show appreciation, to receive appreciation, to support and be supported, to remember that what people tell me is about them, to remember that everything I perceive is inside me... I have concerns that “my work” is a joke, because I imagine my partner judging me for calling masturbation work. It's all inside.

Focusing on what is at hand, how do I feel more authentic and empowered at work? How do I transcend circumstances and feel my power in the moment?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/2/12

I sense that my mission has to do with the phrase “open-hearted.” That seems to be the gift I bring back from the intensives. My genitals are part of this.

I also sense that who I am in the future is not going to be related to who I am now. It means more that I want to cut myself free of my moorings. I am who I am regardless of how I earn a living. I have a mission to fulfill. I am not ready to jump to some imagined destination. My mission is about the next twenty four hours.