This is a journal entry from Saturday
4/21/12
I'm doing my best this weekend to
connect with my inner commander. It's about honoring my decisions and
claiming my authority. It's about having compassion for myself and
not criticizing myself for not living up to unrealistic external
expectations.
I keep thinking about things I should
be doing. I don't want to force myself to do them, but just because I
think I should do something doesn't mean I shouldn't.
I am not in control, but I am in
command, even if I don't want command. No one else is in charge of
me, but I don't want responsibility for my mistakes. We are born to
make mistakes. We can't learn to do new things without mistakes.
I don't know how to take the pressure
off. I feel like most anything I do is an escape that prevents me
from seeing what's keeping me from relaxing. I can escape, but the
underlying problem will remain.
I want a clean office, but I don't want
to clean it. I see a ton of things I need to get done. Thinking about
it makes me feel tired, so I avoid it and it gets bigger. There's a
feeling I have to continuously push and that is what I am rebelling
against. I'm tired. I can't keep pushing. That is the problem I don't
want to face.
I'm tired. I can't keep pushing, but I
need to keep pushing. But I'm tired.
Pushing is making me tired. I know I
need to stop pushing. It's an ingrained habit. How do I break it? Not
by escaping it. Commander, what do I do?
The thought that I need to keep pushing
feels like the one that's not correct. It's a false belief. When the
magic is strongest is when my power flows freely without pushing.
But I feel impatient. The energy
doesn't flow, so I push. I can't force the flow, either. I need to
pay attention and support the flow when it's there, but I can't force
it. Maybe I can't even encourage it which is what my ego says to do.
The flow stops if you're looking for it.
So, stop pushing and don't look for the
flow. When I feel the flow, follow it and don't impede it.
This is a journal entry from Sunday
4/22/12
I found motivation to get things done
yesterday. I bought a cocktail dress from Ross, some comic books from
the comic book store, and some mulch to help some grass to grow. I
washed and cleaned the jeep. Today, I cleaned up the den for a guest
who's arriving in a few weeks.
These are not things that I would have
thought were top priority, but it was what called to me.
I didn't have much human interaction
this weekend.
I miss having people in my life that I
had during my time in twelve step programs. A support group helped me
develop and maintain my spirituality. I don't want to lose myself in
a group, but some people who share my priorities and encourage me. I
want people to laugh with.
Does a group exist that I can join? Can
I create the group I want? What am I looking for in my group?
I like the twelve step format, but we
don't have twelve steps. I'm thinking maybe a chance to share our
spiritual programs, share trouble spots that we want to overcome.
This is a journal entry from Monday
4/23/12
A spiritual support group would be
good, but I'm thinking about the camaraderie that existed between
people. Conversation and coffee before and after meetings. It's not
always deep and profound. It seemed to me to work because there was a
regular get together of like minded people. It's easier than
scheduling a coffee date because it just happened. I'm back to
needing a community, a support group. I want sex and spirituality to
be a part of the conversation. These can be tough topics to start, so
there should be some way to facilitate it. It should be practical and
useful
I saw a TED talk on
vulnerability.
There is a need to be vulnerable if you want to live an authentic
fulfilled life. It means sharing who you are without the mask and
risking rejection in order to connect with those who won't reject
you. I want to go back and make some notes about it as there were
some characteristics that are important I'd like to learn.
Maybe it was that people who are most
happy and fulfilled pursue vulnerability as a way to find there
authenticity. Again it feels like it's time to come out of the closet
as a sex positive being.
It feels like I'm creating a new
theology. There is only one God, regardless of your beliefs about
him. Christian, Jewish, Islamic,... One and the same God. We all
worship differently. One spirit. Science is a religion, too. It
becomes a religion when you extrapolate beyond the scientific method
to claim it is the greatest truth, but I digress.
I want to get together on a regular
basis with people who want to explore and share their
sexual/spiritual journey.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday
5/1/12
My partner is on his way to New York. I
am on my way back to Austin. I look forward to seeing him again.
I need more people in my life. More
lovers. My perspective is changing and I need help to preserve that.
My consciousness is moving from a place of valuing money to valuing
service. If everyone gave selflessly, why would we need money? I
don't need.
It seems hard to open my heart. I felt
it at
Dear Love.
So sad and sweet. When do I find joy? Maybe when I let go of my
addiction to "sad and sweet," when I let go of my addiction to "life is hard." It's time to stop pushing and start flying
I want to see to my spiritual program.
I want something heart centered and disciplined, probably involving
self pleasuring. I want something that helps me live in the present
and trust that it is good. I could focus on the awareness of the
unity of all life, but I'm not ready to surrender the idea of a
benevolent spirit that guides and creates us. I may reach the point
where these are equivalent, but I'm not there yet. I like the way
twelve step programs allow for sharing of experience strength and
hope. I need some fellow sex monks.
