Affirmation Of Authority

I have ultimate authority over my life. I choose what I do and what I think. I AM the only one who has the power to cause me to do anything. No one else has that ability over my life.

Since I have authority over my life, I cannot be pushed around by circumstances. Regardless of what happens during the day, I choose how to respond. No one else has that ability over my life.

I can pay attention during the day. I notice when my brow furrows. I am not my thoughts. I can let go of my thoughts and experience my world directly. When I think something that affects me negatively, I know that it is a lie. I have authority over my life.

I am not my feelings. Feelings are not facts. I can act in spite of fear.

I can prepare for tomorrow and I can learn from the past, but I have no power there. The only time I have power over my life is right now. Worry does not support me. I let go of the past. I let go of the future. I focus my power on today.

I have the right to be happy. I have the right to look foolish. I have the right to laugh. I have the right to express myself. I have the right to be emotional. I have the right to take care of myself. I have the right to relax and take it easy. I have the right to unfold.

I am how I see the world. How can I see it better?

This is not an abstract question with a vague answer. I begin by focusing my attention on my sphere of influence. I take time during the day to recognize everything is OK. By recognizing that my experience of the world is within me and focusing my attention on what resonates with good(God) in me.
I am not comfortable at work. I don't feel confident. So I resist it and my tension rises. This job is an exercise to help me learn to relax when I feel uncomfortable.
My goal is to guide my perceptions so that my experience of the world develops a sense of peace and serenity strong enough that I am not rattled by my job. So that I no longer resist and avoid it.

God is an atheist

This sounds like a conflicting statement so I'll try to explain it - hopefully provoking some thought along the way.
The premise for this statement is that God is omnipresent. New thought Christians tend to take this statement literally and restate it as "there is no spot where God is not." We believe that God is present in all of us - indeed in all things. We tend to believe that Christ is "God in us" and that everyone is a reflection of God.
For a while now, I've also been considering that our entire experience of the world occurs within us. Outside of our conscious awareness, blue is just a particular frequency of electromagnetic radiation. It doesn't become blue as we perceive it until we see it with our eyes and our brains react to it. We see a reflection of the world.
What if our ability to experience the world through our inner experience - our consciousness - is actually God in us? What if our inner world with colors and sounds and sensations that only exist within us is a part of God himself/herself/itself? Then you could say that you experience the world through God in us.
If we believe that everyone we meet is also conscious - then each person contains within them this experience of the world within them - that we call God. Then God has his/her/its experience through each of us. If each part contains a reflection of the whole, then each of us is God. If we are all God (not Gods, by the way), then even an atheist is God.
So many of us spend our time trying to see how others are wrong in what they believe about God. Atheists say there is no God, but they certainly have a sense about the great truths that govern our universe. They advance by not naming these as God so that their understanding can grow, but it's just as much a religion as any other. The proof is when some of their number say they are right when all (other) religions are wrong. This close mindedness is the same that they denounce in religious zealots.
Yes, I believe God is an atheist, but he/she/it is also a painter, a Jew, a gymnast, a Christian, a scientist, a Muslim, a jet pilot, a Hindu, a homeless mother, a Buddhist. Look for God in each other as we are the manifestations of God in this world.

Spiritual Sexual Freedom: Empowerment Through Self Acceptance and Authenticity

Porn Prayer

God, we thank you for this beautiful day and for the opportunity to serve you. We ask that you would be with us today as we celebrate your gift of sexuality for all to see. We pray that our gift of sexual exhibition will inspire those who watch to embrace and accept their own sexual desires. We ask that you soften the hearts of those who judge us and help them to see that our unique gift comes from you and through us in our videos. We also ask that you would protect those who are not yet mature from viewing this material.

Industry Research in California

Do you know any sacred intimates? Or anyone in the adult entertainment industry? Or maybe someone who works in a resort/healing center/retreat?

I will be visiting the San Fernando Valley, Palm Springs and LA area starting on October 1. If you know someone who works in the area, please pass their contact information to me or ask if they would be willing to help me with an informational interview. I'm looking for sacred intimates, owners of businesses and performers/models.

I love being an exhibitionist. I have a deeply spiritual life. I believe sex is divine and God love's how I express this gift. I want to help others feel as I do enjoying the experience of the flesh while keeping the innocence of spirit. I dream of serving others and being free doing what I love.

The goal is to get an understanding of these industries and to meet anyone who might help me understand how I can contribute. Contact me at Rex@rexharley.com

Polyphasic sleep schedule shelved

I'm taking a break from the polyphasic sleep schedules. For whatever reason, I haven't been able to relax enough to fall asleep during my naps. As a result, I'm not getting enough REM time. Now I know what "tired" really feels like.

On the other hand, I know that I can get some extra hours of wake time several times per week. The key is shaking up the schedule to see what actually works. These past few days have been very useful in finding what I'm capable of.

With luck, my next post will be about what skills I have as an employee. I'd ask everyone who reads this entry to think about what jobs might be a good match for my skills. I'd like to make a switch before burning out.

Polyphasic Sleep

I've recently mentioned on Twitter and Face Book that I'm investigating a polyphasic sleeping pattern. I was inspired by this site: dustincurtis.com/sleep.html which lead me to this site: www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/polyphasic-sleep/ which inspired me further.

It appealed to me to have some more hours in the day - especially if I was no worse for the wear. So far, it's been fun. My life is feeling less stressed because I have a few hours that are like gifts. They're free since I would not have them without a different sleeping schedule, so I can use them however I choose and not feel like I'm "wasting time." I don't feel any rush to complete anything during this time and it passes at a very relaxing pace.

I'm currently sleeping 4.5 hours per night. Then at 12, 5, and 10 I take a nap for 20 to 30 minutes. As I am about to go to sleep for the fourth time for only four and a half hours, I am wondering if three hours would work. I refuse to use this time to do more of the same. I'm not trying to get more done in a day. I'm trying to find the time to eliminate things from my schedule that don't support me. For the first time, I feel like I can catch up enough to find the life that I want to live. I'll try to explain that better in the future.

Even better, I can now have time to spend with my masturbation practice. :)

I'll use this blog entry to track the actual sleep times as close as I'm able to track them. Sometimes I forget to write the time down. Sometimes I need to shift the schedule because of other activities.
Beginning August 13 2009
Day 1 - 13 | 3:30 AM-8:00, 12:00 PM, 5:00 PM, 10:00 PM
Day 2 - 14 | 2:30AM-7:00, 2:00 PM (shifted), 5:00 PM, 10:00 PM
Day 3 - 15 | 2:30AM-7:00, 1:00 PM (shifted), 5:00 PM, 11:00 PM (Shifted)
Day 4 - 15 | 2:30AM-7:00...

Relax. Right now, everything is OK just the way it is

How can I believe that everything is going to be alright?

• I believe the underlying principle that brought life into existence will continue.
• While I believe in free will, I also believe that there is a divine plan for my life - for everyone's life.
• I believe we are naturally drawn to our path, but that ego leads us off the path. I feel driven by ego and off the path.
• I believe the only part of myself that feels threatened by life is my ego. It's what feels disrespected in traffic. It is what responds to anger with anger.
• I believe I can take it down a notch. Everything is not critical. Everything is OK just the way it is. Life is a transition. Nothing remains the same.

Up until this point, my life has felt heavy. Life has felt jagged and unsafe - compared to having all my needs met as a child. I have abhorred expressing emotion, but the only emotions I can suppress are happy ones. So I often experience fear, anger and sadness.
I want to believe this is not my natural state, but that it is something I can release to uncover myself. I want to believe that I can experience life and feel safe and express joy.

• I am not my thoughts. I am not my ego.
• Only my ego feels overwhelmed.
• Only my ego feels threatened.
• Only my ego feels disrespected.
• Only my ego feels fear.
• Only my ego feels anger.

My primary concern is letting go of this stress and knowing that everything is OK just the way it is.
Just because everything is OK doesn't mean that I have to stop. I continue stepping forward and with each step, it's still OK.
Step 1: Learn to be comfortable expressing happiness and excitement.

June Insights

• I am a follower, not a leader.
• I don't want to hide that I am a nudist and exhibitionist.
• I am looking for the freedom to act instead of trying to motivate myself.
• Live life as if utopia was already here.
• I want to be part of a close knit extended family exploring the universe.
• I can do software. I can do sex. I can continue my education forever. I can teach others what I've learned. I can provide a space and place for people to grow.
• Listen to the quiet part of yourself that knows.
• Inner Duality: Get off your own back. Stop trying to motivate yourself by harassing yourself with your thoughts. Who are you talking to? The one who is speaking. There is only one of you. Choose to act or not to act, but respect your own decision.
• I am aware of an abundant universe that provides for all my needs. I intuitively know how to tap that abundance. I'm continuously taping the universal abundance so that I can thrive and prosper and help others.
• I've developed the habit of seeing time as a limited resource. There are only so many hours in a day. I tend to forget that time is a continuous flow. There's another delivery tomorrow.
• Instead of arguing with myself, make a choice.
• I create my own state of mind. Take the time to learn how this works.
• Through the power of faith, I am able to stop resisting and surrender to the flow of life.
• We live in a never ending, continuously generated flow of time. We are free to experience it however we choose. There is no such thing as "spending time," because time is NOT a finite resource.
• I heard this in church: Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists.
• Faith is not about religion, but about the nature of existence. Atheists have faith that God does not exist. I have faith that more will be revealed, that whatever I learn will grow my faith and not destroy it.
• I'm OK just the way I am. I can trust myself.
• I forget myself today as I embrace my freedom and exercise my faith to accept whatever happens and flow with life.
• I can trust myself to take down my defenses and relax. I'm OK the way I am.
• When I "forget myself," I step forward past my thoughts to the front of my body. Usually there is a separation of thoughts between my world and me. When I forget myself - I move past that - I step forward and trust myself to be myself.

Nudist Community

In case it wasn't clear, I'm a nudist. I avoid clothes whenever I can. They're useful for keeping warm in the winter, protecting you from the elements and protecting yourself from snakebites in the woods, but I can't find much other use for them. Certainly there must be a nudist community that my partner and I could join somewhere. Searching for Nudist Community on Google takes you to the Wikipedia page. I can't find any communities, but I'm starting to collect info.

I don't necessarily need an entire town that is clothing optional, but that would be nice. If there was a neighborhood somewhere or some condominiums where I could live that was clothing optional, that would be so wonderful. When I'm naked, I feel closer to God. I present myself as I was created.

I'm also a very sexual person. I believe that sex is good. I believe that complications people experience in their sex lives comes from a lack of self-acceptance. It does seem to take a level of maturity to be able to enjoy sex that can be anything from recreational to spiritually transcendent, but the rewards are so profound. My partner and I are not monogamous, but we are in a committed relationship. We love and trust each other to be there for the long haul.

Now my partner and I are looking for where we can live and have these needs met. Where are people accepting of sexual diversity? Where can I safely live my life as a nudist? If I can't find this place, I would like to build it. I envision a clothing optional resort. This resort wouldn't be a sex club, but can act as a host for sex workshops. It shouldn't be all about the sex, but it should be sex positive. There should be safe spaces to play. There should be places where you're safe from unwanted advances. And even a place that was "family friendly" in the naturist sense. This would be a healing place and I would spend most of my time there - nude most of the time.

Anyone who would like to join me is welcome. Maybe this is more than just a resort. People would be welcome to live there permanently with me. This could be the core of a nudist community - but only if we can find a place where the neighboring communities will accept us and not prevent us from growing. Should this be in Palm Springs? Maybe the San Fernando Valley? Are people in the San Fernando Valley more sexually accepting since it is the "porn capital?"

May Insights

• I abandon my power when I falsely believe that I can convince myself to do something. That's because in doing that, I give responsibility to something that doesn't exist instead of to myself.
• If I'm fighting myself, I'm wasting time fighting an illusion. I always have the power to do what I truly want to do.
• Always planning is robbing me of my power, always focusing on the next thing instead of what I need now.
• Whatever I'm feeling, I'm doing this to myself.
• It's time to speak FROM who I am rather than AT it.
• I am an unfolding wizard of sex, spirituality and technology.
• Everything that is supposed to be done today will be done.
• Resistance is funny. Who am I resisting??
• Look for A) What helps me feel in control and B) What brings me enthusiasm.
• Keep the end goal in mind: Supporting myself spreading the Rex Harley message.
• Faith: Everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be.
• The tension I feel comes from trying to force myself to do something that exposes a believe that there is a "myself" that I can force to do my bidding that is separate from "me" and is thus uncontrollable. When I realize there is only me, I recover my power.
• I believe everyone inherently has the divine ability to create their lives in conjunction with the creative power of the universe that I know as God. I believe we use the Power of the Universe all the time. but it's so effortless that we don't realize we're doing it and wind up creating trouble for ourselves.
• I want to have a job where I don't have to pretend to be asexual, or work in an environment where we pretend sex doesn't exist. I want to work where the people won't care that I'm a nudist and an exhibitionist who posts his video clips on XTube. I dream of working in a more laid back atmosphere where I don't feel the need to continuously prove myself, where I can focus on the quality of my work instead of the quantity
• On a day to day basis, I feel tightly controlled - binding myself because of fear. That's why I enjoy bondage. When I'm tied up and unable to move, I am able to relax because I no longer need to expend the energy to control myself. If fear is bondage, then bondage is freedom.
• Fear looks like my father, forever unhappy with me and pushing me to be different than I am. Always asking me what I learned in school today while I never know how to summarize a day's learning into a single answer. Instead I answer "I don't know," making him mad at me and scaring me to death.

I am looking for a new job/career

I'm looking for a job where I don't have to pretend to be asexual, or work in an environment where we pretend sex doesn't exist. I don't need to work in the sex industry. There's more to life than sex, but I don't want to pretend it doesn't exist. I want to work where the people I work with won't be bothered that I am a nudist and an exhibitionist who posts his video clips on X-Tube.

I dream of working in a more laid back atmosphere where I don't feel the need to continuously prove myself. Where I can focus on the quality instead of the quantity.

The problem is that I don't know what this job that I'm seeking is. I really want to be a productive member of society, but I want a job where I can honor myself instead of being superficial. I would also like to be less stressed and be able to pay the bills.

I might be more effective if I can leverage my years of software development experience. I imagine working in a clothing optional resort, or with some organization that promotes sexual freedom that honors the spiritual self would be exceptional.

If you know of any career fields or companies where these needs can be met, please reply to this post.

Transitions

I've been through alot in the past several months. I can't believe I haven't posted about it. Let me catch you up.
In early March, I was laid off. Even with the economy the way it was, it was unexpected. I had survived layoffs during the tech bust and the company wasn't making any indications that there was trouble ahead as long as we buckled down. Oh, well. Years of experience and loyalty don't always pay off. In the 21st century, we need to start fending for ourselves.
I decided to apply for unemployment and to start earning money as a freelancer/contractor/consultant. The only problem was that Rex Harley Unlimited isn't earning any income yet. So I decided to do what I've been doing for years, but doing it for myself. Then I ran into my second problem. I wanted to grow Rex Harley to include web development work, but I don't know the current web design tools. I've been learning PHP, JavaScript and AJAX, but I don't have any work experience with them yet.
The end result was that I was frazzled. I was attending networking events. I was bouncing between marketing myself as a web developer and being a java developer and looking for contract versus full time positions. I was studying new web design tools. I was building a blog application for the Rex Harley website (which has yet to be completed). My schedule was filling up, but I wasn't getting anywhere and I wasn't earning any income.
Luckily, I was able to land a contract position at the beginning of May. I deposited the first check on Friday. But I'm not any less tense, it's just that I'm tense for other reasons. Now I'm less worried about my savings disappearing, but I'm more worried that I can't devote the time to Rex Harley Unlimited. My last blog entry was about that feeling of fighting myself to get myself to do things I don't want to do. I'm still tense trying to figure out what to do next, even when I'm at Lonestar with over 100 other gay men. This is a transition to a new beginning, but I have the feeling it's going to be unfolding for years to come.

I'm Tired of Fighting

I'm tired of fighting.
That sums it up well. I want to feel nourished because I'm on empty because I fight myself all the time.
I can recognize it when I say "Come on!" or "Think!" That's when I'm aware that I'm resisting doing what I feel I'm supposed to do. It's like the voice inside yelling at that resistant part. Where did this idea come from that I'm a speaker and a speakee? I'm one person . Is the speaker the one with the power? Then why not act instead of goading the self? Is that which resists my true self?
My goal is to speak from that place of resistance in hopes of finding what I truly need.
It's time to stop fighting. I'm not that critical voice that harangues me to do more in less time. That's not where my power lies.
When you're feeling weak and want to force yourself to do something and the tension rises, take a moment to sense who it is you're trying to control. Stop turning that energy inward. Find out what your wholeness wants and give yourself what you need.

I am Rex Harley

My last blog entry was about how I can be promoting authenticity while at the same time using a stage name. This week I had a revelation.

I really am Rex Harley.

My "real" name doesn't reflect the Real me. It is a trap. Rex Harley is escape from the trap. I am moving away from the mask that is my "real" name. I am moving toward my true authentic self in Rex Harley. I am Rex Harley unfolding.

You could argue that Rex Harley is a made up person who doesn't really exist. But as a man growing up gay and hiding who he was, my "real" name is more of an artificial construction. He is a mask I wear to protect myself. I have been more authentic as I grow older, but I never feel safe in revealing myself to people who can threaten my welfare.

Look at it this way. During my day to day life in the "real" world using my "real" name, I am not authentic. I share a very small part of myself. I don't want to loose my job because I've got masturbation videos on the Internet. I'm afraid of being judged. I just don't share that much of myself because I'm afraid people will think less of me if they know who I really am. I have the feeling that I'm not the only one who struggles with that.

So I'm not building a fake stage character called Rex Harley. I'm using Rex Harley to express myself authentically and without shame. Rex Harley gives me a way to explore who I really am. It allows me to unfold safely until some time in the future, I can let go of my old incarnation and be reborn - fully authentic and empowered.

Authenticity

Rex Harley is not my real name.

How can I talk about authenticity when I'm using a false name? I am not authentic. I'm on a path to being more authentic.

If I were to use my real name, I could lose my primary source of income as a Java/Web developer. In my day-to-day life, I avoid talking about my passions for fear of offending someone or losing my job. While the U.S. is more accepting today than it has been in the past, people judge you severely for expressing your sexuality if it doesn't match an artificial (and false) normality. This is tragic because none of us meet this mystical magical "normal" that people talk about. Just ask Alfred Kinsey.

So no, I'm not authentic today. But I am on a path to authenticity. My consciousness is focused on finding income streams that will not be threatened by my sexuality or spirituality. I'm feeling my way forward and trying to slowly be a bit more authentic with each passing day. Always strive to make progress.

We all have sexual desires that we consider unusual or even abnormal. Take a look at Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, or Larry Craig (Badmouth.net). They weren't actually abnormal, but just dishonest. If these men had found a way to be honest with themselves, they might be happy. Hopefully they wouldn't be doing as much damage to our individual liberties. They insisted that others suppress themselves only so that they could shield themselves from their own desires.

So try to make peace with who you are and with your human desires. Find how to integrate your sexuality with your spirituality. Take it one day at a time. The Internet gives us a great way to find others we can work with to explore our desires without threatening our livelihoods, but let this be a doorway. Bit by bit, form a network of mutual support. None of your desires are evil. Of course don't harm anyone or expose anyone too young to adult topics.

Rex Harley is my authentic self. I am building this life to reflect who I truly am. Someday when it's safe and I can support myself financially, I plan on stepping into that life. I may lose some important people in my life, but I'll be authentic and unafraid.

Truth

"What was regarded as injustices done to one by someone else now becomes a call for help and for union. Sin, sickness and attack are seen as misperceptions calling for remedy through gentleness and love." A Course in Miracles.

Faith

During times of trouble when it seams that many of the things I rely on are removed from me, I am left with the foundation of faith to support me. With faith, I am able to find joy and comfort regardless of the turbulent experiences around me. But for me, I find that I need the support of others who are also full of faith, who aren't surprised by miracles. I need to remind myself, often, that God isn't off somewhere. I need to remember God is everywhere, so he is here. I need to remember that I can put down my burden at god's feet. I can remember that God is literally supporting me and showering me with love.

When you know it is true, you will cry with a sense of relief, thankfulness and amazement.

My new front page

The following will be on the front page of my website in the next few days:

Hello! My stage name is Rex Harley. Welcome to my website. I hope you take the time to get to know me better. This website explains my philosophy on life, love, spirituality, sexuality and anything else that strikes my fancy. It also provides a schedule of fees for services that I can perform. Don't hesitate to ask about anything you don't see listed.

Despite what you see on this website, I tend to be quiet. I'm more of a listener than a talker. I've spent nearly 14 years as a Java software developer. I have experience maintaining and enhancing desktop, web and enterprise applications. I found that it wasn't sufficient.

I'm very sexual. As a gay man, I've been spreading my wings since I was a teenager. I've experienced many sexual partners, tastes, acts and fetishes. There's very little I won't try or haven't enjoyed. Despite being quiet, I'm also an exhibitionist. In my earlier sexual exploration, I got alot of positive feedback. Being watched and appreciated while I'm having sex or masturbating feeds my arousal. So I decided to use that. I'm older now and am not the type who can make a living in porn, bu I enjoy it anyway. So I built this website.

But it's not all sex with me, either. My spirituality is important to me. This was a problem for me. We often get messages that to embrace our spirituality, we must abandon our sexuality and sensuality. And conversely that if we want to be sexual and experience our animal instincts, we can't be spiritual. This is not acceptable to me. I must have both. So my life's mission has become exploring the boundary between sexuality and spirituality and exploring it. My goal is to show that there is no boundary except what we invent in our heads.

This website is geared toward unifying this triumvirate of mind, body and spirit. Mind: I am an Internet applications developer working as an independent contractor. Body: I am an exhibitionist sharing my sexuality with anyone who has a desire to watch and enjoy. Spirit: I look for the underlying spirituality in my life and expose it in my sexuality and in my Internet works.

I try to put God first. I give myself to God daily. I ask for guidance when I share my sexuality. I ask for help in finding the unity of the three superficially separate identities. Please join me on this journey and teach me how to be open, honest and authentic in everything I do.

Being who I am and who I want to be

I am free to make my life on a moment to moment basis. To change myself into who I want to be, who I truly am, all I need to do is be who I want to be now. I don't need to change the past or the future. I am not a nebulous entity that extends into the past and into the future. I exist in the present moment forever.

Spend the time on the important things

If something is not worth the time to do now, it never will be. So decide whether something is worth the time to do before you do it. If it's worth it, be willing to spend the time to do it right, and do it now. The more you put things off, the more they will pile up.

Physical plus Spiritual equals Whole Men (and Women)

Many people see themselves as one half physical and one half spiritual. Some see the physical half as evil and the spiritual half as good. But our physical and spiritual bodies overlap - we are one being. So long as we continue to view our physical bodies as evil, we will continue to experience disease and death.

The Meaning of my Life

My meaning comes from overcoming myself and being more authentic with others. When I feel tired and feel like avoiding something I want to accomplish, that's a weak muscle. I don't need to continuously push myself, but I do need to push myself from time to time. That's how muscle is built, by overcoming resistance.