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Friday, December 24, 2010
About Rex Harley
Links
Mission and Vision
I put God first. I give myself to God daily. I ask for guidance when I share my sexuality. I ask for help in finding the unity of my superficially separate identities. Please join me on this journey and teach me how to be open, honest and authentic in everything I do.
My spirituality is important to me. This was a problem for me. We often get messages that to embrace our spirituality, we must abandon our sexuality and sensuality. And conversely that if we want to be sexual and experience our animal instincts, we can't be spiritual. This is not acceptable to me. I must have both. So my life's mission has become exploring the boundary between sexuality and spirituality and exploring it. My goal is to show that there is no boundary except what we invent in our minds.
I'm very sexual. As a gay man, I've been spreading my sexual wings since I was a teenager. I've experienced many sexual partners, tastes, acts and fetishes. There's very little I won't try or haven't enjoyed. Despite being quiet, I'm also an exhibitionist. In my earlier sexual exploration, I got alot of positive feedback. Being watched and appreciated while I'm having sex or masturbating feeds my arousal. So I decided to use that. I'm older now and am not the type who can make a living in porn, but I enjoy it anyway. So I built this website.
What is Orgasmic Yoga?
I began the Yoga of Sex course from the The New School of Erotic Touch. My first assignment was to observe a daily spiritual practice of orgasmic yoga for thirty days. That was the beginning of my practice.
I have a daily orgasmic yoga practice, but what does that mean? In his Yoga of Sex course, Joseph Kramer says "Orgasmic Yoga is a pleasurable, intimate and transformative discipline, practiced while sexually aroused."
My practice typically lasts between 40 to 60 minutes. It involves self erotic massage and/or erotic trance dancing. My goal in my practice is to release my healing ability, to reconnect sexual arousal with the feeling of love, to reach a higher consciousness and to remember that there are more important things than the day to day grind and it can't be taken from you. I also participate in a communal orgasmic yoga practice called the Three Circle Ritual. I've posted many of my orgasmic yoga experiences on my adult blog.
If you would like to join me as a participant or an observer: My Orgasmic Yoga Practice
We are all worthy of experiencing pleasure. I've accepted that for myself. I like both giving and receiving pleasure. The more pleasure in the world, the better the world. Have an orgasm for world peace today!
I have a daily orgasmic yoga practice, but what does that mean? In his Yoga of Sex course, Joseph Kramer says "Orgasmic Yoga is a pleasurable, intimate and transformative discipline, practiced while sexually aroused."
My practice typically lasts between 40 to 60 minutes. It involves self erotic massage and/or erotic trance dancing. My goal in my practice is to release my healing ability, to reconnect sexual arousal with the feeling of love, to reach a higher consciousness and to remember that there are more important things than the day to day grind and it can't be taken from you. I also participate in a communal orgasmic yoga practice called the Three Circle Ritual. I've posted many of my orgasmic yoga experiences on my adult blog.
If you would like to join me as a participant or an observer: My Orgasmic Yoga Practice
We are all worthy of experiencing pleasure. I've accepted that for myself. I like both giving and receiving pleasure. The more pleasure in the world, the better the world. Have an orgasm for world peace today!
What is a Sacred Intimate?
I've been asked "What is a sacred intimate?" The only quick answer I have is that a sacred intimate is a temple whore. :) The truth is more difficult to communicate.
A sacred intimate uses erotic energy to heal. We teach that sex is sacred. We teach that sex is shameless. We like to help others tap into their own erotic power and find freedom to feel orgasmic joy without guilt. We help people let go of the emotional baggage that keeps them from being sexually fulfilled. I offer sexual/spiritual love and acceptance. I'm here to serve in whatever capacity you need that I can offer.
We're also available to celebrate sexuality and spirituality with others who don't have difficulties they wish to overcome.
A sacred intimate uses erotic energy to heal. We teach that sex is sacred. We teach that sex is shameless. We like to help others tap into their own erotic power and find freedom to feel orgasmic joy without guilt. We help people let go of the emotional baggage that keeps them from being sexually fulfilled. I offer sexual/spiritual love and acceptance. I'm here to serve in whatever capacity you need that I can offer.
We're also available to celebrate sexuality and spirituality with others who don't have difficulties they wish to overcome.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Temple Photos
These are some pictures of the temple my partner and I built. I intend to use it for my own spiritual practice which includes honing my skills as a sacred intimate and healer.
Because my Sacred Intimate Treasure Map includes some graphic images, I decided to post it on my adult blog here: adultblog.rexharley.com. On that page, you'll also find a video walk through of the temple. Minors are NOT WELCOME to view the adult blog.
If you would like to join me as a participant or an observer: My Orgasmic Yoga Practice
This dream catcher from Alaska is the inspiration for the colors of the temple
The chaise
The erotic artwork above the chaise
The alter
The four stones from Dear Love of Comrades
Me, Rex Harley
Please email me your suggestions for improvement. rex@rexharley.com
Because my Sacred Intimate Treasure Map includes some graphic images, I decided to post it on my adult blog here: adultblog.rexharley.com. On that page, you'll also find a video walk through of the temple. Minors are NOT WELCOME to view the adult blog.
If you would like to join me as a participant or an observer: My Orgasmic Yoga Practice
This dream catcher from Alaska is the inspiration for the colors of the temple
The chaise
The erotic artwork above the chaise
The alter
The four stones from Dear Love of Comrades
Me, Rex Harley
Please email me your suggestions for improvement. rex@rexharley.com
Sunday, September 5, 2010
March '10 Insights
- I have an introvert temperament and much of my experience of the world is within me.
- I want to feel happy and relaxed, confident and powerful.
- Meditation helps me quiet my mind. My mind keeps me from exercising my birthright because of false beliefs. Quieting my mind helps me to let the light of God shine through me.
- I am powerful. I can do anything or nothing. I am not trapped. I am free.
- I've been waiting all my life to experience the pain that I fear, and it never comes. Threats of spanking were never fulfilled growing up. Homelessness, poverty and hunger never happened in forty four years of fear. Disease and physical pain never come to pass. Why do I still try to steal myself to endure them?
- I am not my thoughts. I observe my thoughts. By observing, I can raise my conscious awareness. BY focusing my attention on the present moment, I can transcend my thoughts and anxiety and learn to fully accept my life. Then nothing can stop me because only my thoughts can stop me and I will have learned to transcend my thoughts and the power of the silence within me will shine through.
- What is my tribe of men? Men who are sexually free. Men who can help me deepen my faith - who lead reach spiritual lives. Men I talk with freely and laugh with like the people from AA and NA. Men who remind me to take it easy and keep things in perspective. Men who have fun.
- I need time to look out the windows and daydream.
- Inner silence is the death of ego and the birth of being.
- I want to carry this silence into tomorrow, but silence can only be rediscovered in each present moment. That makes me sad. Then I experience the silence again and I am glad.
- God is Love. Love is recognizing oneness. So God is recognizing oneness.
- It's time to find and eliminate the causes of terrorism rather than fighting the symptoms.
Creating A Vision
This is a journal entry from March 21, 2010
I am slowly learning to focus on the present. It's still very natural to be obsessing about what I need to do next, but I can do anything and remain in the present moment.
I am part of the vast energy field of life that surrounds me. God is omnipresent (here and now), omniscient (all intelligence and knowledge that exists), omnipotent (all the power of the universe). My church often uses the phrase that there is only One Power and One Presence in the universe. Maybe it should be revised to be there is only One Power, one One Intelligence and One Presence in the universe. My intelligence contributes to the infinite intelligence of God, and that infinite intelligence is available to me now. My power/strength/enthusiasm contribute to God's omnipotence, and it is available to me now. God is Love. Love is driven to express.
I want to find some friends to play with. I want to play and pretend and make believe. I think it's actually key to discovering myself.
Thinking of Rex Harley as a fictional character, what adventures might he get into? Zero-G sex aboard the Sex Star, the orbiting adult playground. Planting a small vegetable garden or a flower garden. Training to be a sex guru. Owning a porn studio. Being an activist for sexual freedom. Exploring the world. Envisioning an ideal Utopian world. Rescuing non-consensual sex slaves. Setting up an agency for voluntary sex slavery. Being minister in a church where no topics are off limits. Owning a clothing optional resort. Living in a clothing optional community. Becoming part of a communal living arrangement, community or "frat" house.
What about playing? Checkers, chess, poker craps, monopoly, bondage, S&M, Dominoes, bowling, underwear skating.
I am slowly learning to focus on the present. It's still very natural to be obsessing about what I need to do next, but I can do anything and remain in the present moment.
I am part of the vast energy field of life that surrounds me. God is omnipresent (here and now), omniscient (all intelligence and knowledge that exists), omnipotent (all the power of the universe). My church often uses the phrase that there is only One Power and One Presence in the universe. Maybe it should be revised to be there is only One Power, one One Intelligence and One Presence in the universe. My intelligence contributes to the infinite intelligence of God, and that infinite intelligence is available to me now. My power/strength/enthusiasm contribute to God's omnipotence, and it is available to me now. God is Love. Love is driven to express.
I want to find some friends to play with. I want to play and pretend and make believe. I think it's actually key to discovering myself.
Thinking of Rex Harley as a fictional character, what adventures might he get into? Zero-G sex aboard the Sex Star, the orbiting adult playground. Planting a small vegetable garden or a flower garden. Training to be a sex guru. Owning a porn studio. Being an activist for sexual freedom. Exploring the world. Envisioning an ideal Utopian world. Rescuing non-consensual sex slaves. Setting up an agency for voluntary sex slavery. Being minister in a church where no topics are off limits. Owning a clothing optional resort. Living in a clothing optional community. Becoming part of a communal living arrangement, community or "frat" house.
What about playing? Checkers, chess, poker craps, monopoly, bondage, S&M, Dominoes, bowling, underwear skating.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
February '10 Insights
- I have the power to make of my life whatever I choose. I can do and be whatever I choose. I can make a work of art of my life.
I am happy
This is a journal entry from February 28, 2010
Today, I am happy and relaxed, confident and powerful.
Why?
I am happy because I am free to pursue my ambitions, because I found love, because I have time to relax, because I can avoid what I don't like. I am happy because I am powerful, because I have no troubles to wear me down, because I live in an abundant universe, because I have challenges to overcome. I am happy because there is no challenge I can't overcome. I am happy there is an infinite wellspring of power and wisdom within me that I can access when I am relaxed.
Today, I am happy and relaxed, confident and powerful.
Why?
I am happy because I am free to pursue my ambitions, because I found love, because I have time to relax, because I can avoid what I don't like. I am happy because I am powerful, because I have no troubles to wear me down, because I live in an abundant universe, because I have challenges to overcome. I am happy because there is no challenge I can't overcome. I am happy there is an infinite wellspring of power and wisdom within me that I can access when I am relaxed.
Overwhelming Thoughts
This is a journal entry from February 27, 2010
Here's the problem with the weekend: there's too much time. All that time means you can get many things done. That becomes overwhelming.
My goal is to free my consciousness. I want to let in beauty and keep out negativity. The thought that I'm tired is an invalid thought. Maybe there's another thought behind it like: This is too hard or I can't do this anymore or This is draining the life out of me or I'll never catchup or This is beyond my ability and it's uncomfortable.
All of these are thoughts. They are evaluations of myself in relation to the world. They all underestimate my ability. there's an underlying belief that I can be depleted and used up. I wind up wanting to protect my precious reserve of life force so I resist life.
The fact is that I have an infinite wellspring of this life energy. I tap into it whenever I choose - whenever I don't resist. I've seen this power in the past.
What do I want to do today?
Here's the problem with the weekend: there's too much time. All that time means you can get many things done. That becomes overwhelming.
My goal is to free my consciousness. I want to let in beauty and keep out negativity. The thought that I'm tired is an invalid thought. Maybe there's another thought behind it like: This is too hard or I can't do this anymore or This is draining the life out of me or I'll never catchup or This is beyond my ability and it's uncomfortable.
All of these are thoughts. They are evaluations of myself in relation to the world. They all underestimate my ability. there's an underlying belief that I can be depleted and used up. I wind up wanting to protect my precious reserve of life force so I resist life.
The fact is that I have an infinite wellspring of this life energy. I tap into it whenever I choose - whenever I don't resist. I've seen this power in the past.
What do I want to do today?
I am more free than I have ever been
This is a journal entry from February 26, 2010
Seek first the kingdom... God is omnipresent, so God surrounds me. God is within me. I have my existence in God. The only truth is the perfection in the mind of God, from which the universe is continually created. Anything that is not perfect is an illusion. Disease is an illusion. Death is an illusion. God is here now. Time and space itself is an illusion. God is the only truth.
I have a recurring thought "I feel tired." I habitually have this thought. The thought and feeling come almost simultaneously. I don't believe the thought. It happens more in the morning than at night. Once I begin my day, it doesn't seem true. It's an illusion. God is the only truth and God is omnipresent love.
I am more free than I have ever been. I have my piercings. I have videos posted on XTube. I'm writing the software for my new website. I have enough money on hand for impulsive buys. God is the only truth and God is omnipresent love.
Seek first the kingdom... God is omnipresent, so God surrounds me. God is within me. I have my existence in God. The only truth is the perfection in the mind of God, from which the universe is continually created. Anything that is not perfect is an illusion. Disease is an illusion. Death is an illusion. God is here now. Time and space itself is an illusion. God is the only truth.
I have a recurring thought "I feel tired." I habitually have this thought. The thought and feeling come almost simultaneously. I don't believe the thought. It happens more in the morning than at night. Once I begin my day, it doesn't seem true. It's an illusion. God is the only truth and God is omnipresent love.
I am more free than I have ever been. I have my piercings. I have videos posted on XTube. I'm writing the software for my new website. I have enough money on hand for impulsive buys. God is the only truth and God is omnipresent love.
Creating Meaning
This is a journal entry from February 11, 2010
How can I create some beauty in the world today? Yesterday, I mentioned that my life was mine to create. Since my gripe is that I can't find much meaning in the world, I choose to create it. I no longer need to look for meaning. I can create meaning.
Hero's resonate with me. People who answer to a higher calling. Those who protect the innocent. People with open minds and hearts. I choose to honor and promote the principles I have learned.
How can I create some beauty in the world today? Yesterday, I mentioned that my life was mine to create. Since my gripe is that I can't find much meaning in the world, I choose to create it. I no longer need to look for meaning. I can create meaning.
Hero's resonate with me. People who answer to a higher calling. Those who protect the innocent. People with open minds and hearts. I choose to honor and promote the principles I have learned.
- I will treat all people with respect.
- I will seek truth.
- I will create beauty.
January '10 Insights
- Maybe my mission is helping people to not be so overwhelmed with the world today. Being so overwhelmed is a big reason that people don't feel they can impact global warming or why they haven't heard about it! It could also be why people are homeless. The ability of the modern world to blind us with information overload may be the cause of many of the world's problems. It's one of the things I've been battling my whole life.
- Affirmation: I can see living as part of a tribe of men who share my values, where I am respected for who I am and I feel safe to be completely open and honest with my thoughts and feelings.
- I'm looking for that inner alignment that lets me: act in unison with myself, be of one mind. I want to be one with myself. I don't want to argue with myself or push myself.
- It's not the number of things that you can fit into a day, but the quality of consciousness that you keep.
Ego
This is a journal entry from January 24, 2010
Seek first the kingdom.
Today, my consciousness is filled with conflict. I try to relax and move forward, but I feel tired and discouraged. Thoughts that seem powerful at other times fall flat now.
It feels like that persistent, low grade, driving force inside me trying to push me forward. If that force would relax, I would naturally move forward.
My meditation has given me the ability to recognize this force. I can recognize it as ego. I recognize it is not who I am. It's still influencing me to distraction. I can turn my attention there - on a regular basis. I can be free of it and live a much happier life.
Seek first the kingdom.
Today, my consciousness is filled with conflict. I try to relax and move forward, but I feel tired and discouraged. Thoughts that seem powerful at other times fall flat now.
It feels like that persistent, low grade, driving force inside me trying to push me forward. If that force would relax, I would naturally move forward.
My meditation has given me the ability to recognize this force. I can recognize it as ego. I recognize it is not who I am. It's still influencing me to distraction. I can turn my attention there - on a regular basis. I can be free of it and live a much happier life.
If I won the lottery...
This is a journal entry from January 7, 2010
Napoleon Hill (or W Clement Stone) said something like "whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." I don't think this meant that you should try to convince yourself to believe any crazy thing, but that you can keep conceiving of new things until you can find something to believe in.
I've been playing the mega millions each week. I don't do it because I ever have a chance of winning, but to demonstrate that I am willing to receive. I'm giving God an avenue to bless me financially. As practice, I'm imagining how I would use that money if I received it. Part of that plan involves tithing ten percent, paying taxes and setting up some kind of investments that would let me draw an annual income.
After that is the real work. I would be able to do what I wanted, working on my own projects, exploring careers, taking classes... The financial pressure would be off and I would be able to do something without being driven by profit.
All of this leads back to the simple idea that if I'm doing what I was born to do, then all my needs will be met. If I can trust, I won't need to win the lottery. I'll have the resources I need when I need them.
I can see myself writing software for myself, taking time to be creative. When there's no pressure and I can be creative, coding can be very fulfilling. I can see making my own porn videos - regardless if they ever sell or are profitable. I can imagine a company that is not driven by profits, but by helping to heal the consciousness of violence and hatred that is gripping the world.
Napoleon Hill (or W Clement Stone) said something like "whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve." I don't think this meant that you should try to convince yourself to believe any crazy thing, but that you can keep conceiving of new things until you can find something to believe in.
I've been playing the mega millions each week. I don't do it because I ever have a chance of winning, but to demonstrate that I am willing to receive. I'm giving God an avenue to bless me financially. As practice, I'm imagining how I would use that money if I received it. Part of that plan involves tithing ten percent, paying taxes and setting up some kind of investments that would let me draw an annual income.
After that is the real work. I would be able to do what I wanted, working on my own projects, exploring careers, taking classes... The financial pressure would be off and I would be able to do something without being driven by profit.
All of this leads back to the simple idea that if I'm doing what I was born to do, then all my needs will be met. If I can trust, I won't need to win the lottery. I'll have the resources I need when I need them.
I can see myself writing software for myself, taking time to be creative. When there's no pressure and I can be creative, coding can be very fulfilling. I can see making my own porn videos - regardless if they ever sell or are profitable. I can imagine a company that is not driven by profits, but by helping to heal the consciousness of violence and hatred that is gripping the world.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Utopia
This is a journal entry from December 13, 2009
I think I'm finding a new idea. Instead of fighting homelessness, hunger, poverty, pollution, global warming, overpopulation... do something more practical.
Nero fiddled while Rome burned, but in a democracy - we're all Nero. Some claim there's no such thing as global warming or we're powerless to change it, or it's more important to have jobs and economic growth today than it is to think about tomorrow. Others think that Tiger Woods infidelity has a greater impact on our lives. The world is going to hell in a hand basket and everybody knows that no one is lifting a finger to stop it.
Here's the deal. Stop it. Stop trying to make gay marriage illegal. Stop being distracted by the non-news that is prevalent in the news. Start working for something. Start growing your own Utopian society.
Clear your mind of the cacophony that drowns out reason. Stop avoiding the world by focusing on where you are now. Take all the noise from the world into a big bag and ignore it. Stop reacting and fighting. Get quiet. Get present. Get clear. Stop obsessing with the world's obsessions. Start living responsibly. Do not fight. Do not fight intolerance, grow tolerance. Do not fight immorality, grow morality. Fight nothing. Support everything. Make your world a Utopia.
In short, the world's problems need a more fundamental solution. Instead of trying to tackle each one individually, recognize they are just symptoms. As far as the media goes, they are only reporting the tiniest fraction of the news. 99% of the world is at peace at any given moment. Focus on that and grow it.
We have no power to control others. We cannot grow hearts by passing laws. One end of the spectrum believes in individual freedom at the expense of the greater good. The other believes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. These two extremes are pitted against each other and threaten to drag progress and prosperity to a halt.
When these extremes focus in the same direction rather than at each other, then our achievements will be unprecedented. Individual freedom devoted to the needs of the many. A "liberative?" A "conservital?" From the grass roots - not from the top down.
I think I'm finding a new idea. Instead of fighting homelessness, hunger, poverty, pollution, global warming, overpopulation... do something more practical.
Nero fiddled while Rome burned, but in a democracy - we're all Nero. Some claim there's no such thing as global warming or we're powerless to change it, or it's more important to have jobs and economic growth today than it is to think about tomorrow. Others think that Tiger Woods infidelity has a greater impact on our lives. The world is going to hell in a hand basket and everybody knows that no one is lifting a finger to stop it.
Here's the deal. Stop it. Stop trying to make gay marriage illegal. Stop being distracted by the non-news that is prevalent in the news. Start working for something. Start growing your own Utopian society.
Clear your mind of the cacophony that drowns out reason. Stop avoiding the world by focusing on where you are now. Take all the noise from the world into a big bag and ignore it. Stop reacting and fighting. Get quiet. Get present. Get clear. Stop obsessing with the world's obsessions. Start living responsibly. Do not fight. Do not fight intolerance, grow tolerance. Do not fight immorality, grow morality. Fight nothing. Support everything. Make your world a Utopia.
In short, the world's problems need a more fundamental solution. Instead of trying to tackle each one individually, recognize they are just symptoms. As far as the media goes, they are only reporting the tiniest fraction of the news. 99% of the world is at peace at any given moment. Focus on that and grow it.
We have no power to control others. We cannot grow hearts by passing laws. One end of the spectrum believes in individual freedom at the expense of the greater good. The other believes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. These two extremes are pitted against each other and threaten to drag progress and prosperity to a halt.
When these extremes focus in the same direction rather than at each other, then our achievements will be unprecedented. Individual freedom devoted to the needs of the many. A "liberative?" A "conservital?" From the grass roots - not from the top down.
December '09 Insights
- I got my septum pierced on December 5, 2009. It was painful, but it felt OK the next day. I really do like it. I'm looking forward to stretching it to a 12 or 10 gauge. It's one more step toward expressing myself freely.
- I feel trapped because I don't see myself in anyone I meed, but I AM in everyone I meet. Why do I fear everyone?
- Something inside causes me to want a nose ring, to wear my kilt and to have a mohawk. It's my own rebellion. It's my desire to be seen and respected as an individual. It's me driving myself to be successful in front of people who may judge me - and to find inner comfort in being free to do as I choose.
- Taking full ownership of my life: This has to do with self-respect and empowerment. It's about not being pushed around by circumstances. It means being more "thoughtless" by recognizing I am not my thoughts, that I don't gain by worry. It means learning to recognize when I'm giving up my authority over my own life.
- I imagine that I'm a rosebud. My whole life, I've been binding it with string to keep it from unfolding. Thoughts - negative thoughts if you like - are the string. Now my mission is to cut those binding thoughts so that I can finally unfold.
Social Commentary
This is from a journal entry on 2 December 2009:
There is so much focus on making money in our capitalist society. Everything is measured against it. Industry needs obedient workers, so our educational system doesn't encourage free thinking. It leaves us ill equipped to survive when industries shift.
We also pursue our dreams only as much as they will help us to make money. "You can't make money at that" is the admonishment of the dis-empowered. Many of the wealthy (not all) seek to dis-empower the poor so they can be controlled while espousing that the human spirit overcomes all obstacles. They tie capitalism to the ideals of the founding fathers who created a democracy. Now democracy and capitalism are intertwined so that people confuse them - and an attack on one is an attack on the other.
The poor need more than money. They need to be re-empowered. I need to be re-empowered.
We don't need to give up on capitalism, but we need to do something to put humanity on a level playing field with the almighty dollar.
There is so much focus on making money in our capitalist society. Everything is measured against it. Industry needs obedient workers, so our educational system doesn't encourage free thinking. It leaves us ill equipped to survive when industries shift.
We also pursue our dreams only as much as they will help us to make money. "You can't make money at that" is the admonishment of the dis-empowered. Many of the wealthy (not all) seek to dis-empower the poor so they can be controlled while espousing that the human spirit overcomes all obstacles. They tie capitalism to the ideals of the founding fathers who created a democracy. Now democracy and capitalism are intertwined so that people confuse them - and an attack on one is an attack on the other.
The poor need more than money. They need to be re-empowered. I need to be re-empowered.
We don't need to give up on capitalism, but we need to do something to put humanity on a level playing field with the almighty dollar.
My Life
This is a journal entry from November 30, 2009
This is my life. No one else may make choices for me. No one can tell me how to live my life. I have the right to be a pervert and a freak so long as I harm no one.
No one can tell me what I should feel or what I should think.
I am allowed to be foolish, emotional, selfish and weak.
This is my life. No one else may make choices for me. No one can tell me how to live my life. I have the right to be a pervert and a freak so long as I harm no one.
No one can tell me what I should feel or what I should think.
I am allowed to be foolish, emotional, selfish and weak.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
My Shadows
This is from a journal entry from 29 November 2009
I've been trying to take care of myself so that I would be more willing to go to work on Monday. But I still don't want to go back there. I don't want to waste waste any more time with work that is not aligned with my soul.
So after watching my new movie "The Shadow Effect," I'm asking myself what my shadow is. What do I hide and what about me am I ashamed of?
My fear and anger? My father?
Compartmentalization
I allowed my life to be compartmentalized in my late teens and early twenties. I had a public life with my family and the people I went to school with. I had a life of drinking and drugs. I had a life of gay sexual pleasure.
On some level, I have one life today, but since I don't really feel comfortable allowing myself to be gay among my family and co-workers, it still feels like two lives. I don't necessarily feel that I should force them to hear me say how many men I had sex with in the bath house last night. But I feel like that world is so far removed from the other that I am still split in two.
Growing up, I always was compelled to do the right thing. I did well in school and worked with the teachers - a teacher's pet. I was often picked on and was not popular. I wanted to hide and not be noticed because having people notice me tended to be painful.
That changed when I started hanging out with a bad (straight) boy who was very free with his sex, alcohol and drugs. He taught me to embrace my animal desires and I was no longer unpopular, but I still couldn't be gay in that crowd.
So, something was released in me when I discovered anonymous gay sex. I became free. I was appreciated by men using my body for pleasure and I loved the feeling of attention and desire. I had never been so thoroughly appreciated like that before.
My Father
When I was growing up and saw men on TV, they were always so clean and professional. My father was nothing like them. He was dirty and mean and animalistic. I wanted to be anything but him, so I became a teacher's pet.
I had to be smart, even if I wasn't. When my father asked what I learned in school and I didn't know the answer - I was shamed and he became angry and I was even more afraid to answer. Maybe it was then that I decided to do so well in school that he would believe I was learning something without him asking what it was I learned.
I learned to be afraid of my emotions and Spock became my role model. But I still have feelings and I've learned how to suppress them - so when they boil over, they tend to be angry outbursts in traffic. I am ashamed of my emotions.
I am afraid/ashamed of who I would be if I would let myself be myself. I am afraid I would be my angry father who I'm ashamed of.
What I don't like in him: Anger, racism, poor, primitive, uneducated, dirty, smelly, unloving, alcoholic, unthinking, unreasonable, ignorant, close minded.
Spent Energy
This is what I spend enormous amounts of energy to keep hidden.
When I can proudly be weak, emotional and foolish - then I will be free.
I've been trying to take care of myself so that I would be more willing to go to work on Monday. But I still don't want to go back there. I don't want to waste waste any more time with work that is not aligned with my soul.
So after watching my new movie "The Shadow Effect," I'm asking myself what my shadow is. What do I hide and what about me am I ashamed of?
My fear and anger? My father?
Compartmentalization
I allowed my life to be compartmentalized in my late teens and early twenties. I had a public life with my family and the people I went to school with. I had a life of drinking and drugs. I had a life of gay sexual pleasure.
On some level, I have one life today, but since I don't really feel comfortable allowing myself to be gay among my family and co-workers, it still feels like two lives. I don't necessarily feel that I should force them to hear me say how many men I had sex with in the bath house last night. But I feel like that world is so far removed from the other that I am still split in two.
Growing up, I always was compelled to do the right thing. I did well in school and worked with the teachers - a teacher's pet. I was often picked on and was not popular. I wanted to hide and not be noticed because having people notice me tended to be painful.
That changed when I started hanging out with a bad (straight) boy who was very free with his sex, alcohol and drugs. He taught me to embrace my animal desires and I was no longer unpopular, but I still couldn't be gay in that crowd.
So, something was released in me when I discovered anonymous gay sex. I became free. I was appreciated by men using my body for pleasure and I loved the feeling of attention and desire. I had never been so thoroughly appreciated like that before.
My Father
When I was growing up and saw men on TV, they were always so clean and professional. My father was nothing like them. He was dirty and mean and animalistic. I wanted to be anything but him, so I became a teacher's pet.
I had to be smart, even if I wasn't. When my father asked what I learned in school and I didn't know the answer - I was shamed and he became angry and I was even more afraid to answer. Maybe it was then that I decided to do so well in school that he would believe I was learning something without him asking what it was I learned.
I learned to be afraid of my emotions and Spock became my role model. But I still have feelings and I've learned how to suppress them - so when they boil over, they tend to be angry outbursts in traffic. I am ashamed of my emotions.
I am afraid/ashamed of who I would be if I would let myself be myself. I am afraid I would be my angry father who I'm ashamed of.
What I don't like in him: Anger, racism, poor, primitive, uneducated, dirty, smelly, unloving, alcoholic, unthinking, unreasonable, ignorant, close minded.
Spent Energy
- My coworkers don't know I have HIV or that I'm a nudist. I want to work someplace where there are more people like me.
- One of my strengths is connectedness, but I don't have anyplace where I get that. I feel disconnected, but I'm afraid to connect. If I'm known deeply, then they'll find out that I'm not who I pretend to be. Then they'll know who I really am and not like me. Am I unlovable? I'm weak. I'm emotional. I'm petty and self-centered. I'm defensive. I'm shallow and my life is meaningless.
- My underlying feeling is that I'm afraid because I am weak and emotional like my father.
- I judge other people who look foolish because I feel foolish, and I don't want to be seen as foolish but I feel like a fool.
- I can masturbate for the camera, but I'm afraid to communicate verbally.
This is what I spend enormous amounts of energy to keep hidden.
When I can proudly be weak, emotional and foolish - then I will be free.
I am not my thoughts
This is from a journal entry from 20 November 2009
I am grateful for this opportunity to learn to stop identifying with my thoughts. Sometime over the summer, I recognized that I was not my thoughts - so it's something I know. But my thoughts are always there, always telling me there's too much to do and not enough time and I'm not talented/skilled/smart enough to do this. The resistance and tension become unbearable. I can't continue.
None of this is true. My thoughts lie to me. It doesn't matter if I can meet the deadline. The most important part of this project is learning that I don't have to be frozen in fear. I am not my thoughts. I will continue to practice not identifying with my thoughts, knowing that they are only a tiny part of my arsenal, knowing that I am greater than this, and learning to set aside my emotions so that God in me can actively manifest in my life.
I am grateful for this opportunity to learn to stop identifying with my thoughts. Sometime over the summer, I recognized that I was not my thoughts - so it's something I know. But my thoughts are always there, always telling me there's too much to do and not enough time and I'm not talented/skilled/smart enough to do this. The resistance and tension become unbearable. I can't continue.
None of this is true. My thoughts lie to me. It doesn't matter if I can meet the deadline. The most important part of this project is learning that I don't have to be frozen in fear. I am not my thoughts. I will continue to practice not identifying with my thoughts, knowing that they are only a tiny part of my arsenal, knowing that I am greater than this, and learning to set aside my emotions so that God in me can actively manifest in my life.
In what ways am I free today?
This is from a journal entry on 18 November 2009:
In what ways am I free today?
In what ways am I free today?
- At work, I can take breaks and run errands whenever I choose.
- There are no rules about when i arrive for the day or when I leave for the day.
- I can bring my lunch or go out.
- When I go home after work, I can spend the evening naked.
- When I'm on vacation, I can have a mohawk.
- I can go wherever I choose during my vacations.
- My right ear is pierced and I can have other private piercings as I like.
- I can breathe deeply.
- I can masturbate in the bathroom stall at work.
- I can walk out of my contract with a few days notice. There is nothing holding me in this contract except for the desire to earn what I'm earning from this company.
- I can take another job where I'm making less money.
- I am free to relax and enjoy my work.
- I am free to get new tattoos.
November '09 Insights
- I am how I see the world. How can I see it better?
- I understand that the only way to overcome fears is to step through them, but I have a hard time having a sense of that power.
- I think faith is one of the best ways of releasing that courage and power. Then it's not my courage, but God's.
- I can also let myself know that I have the authority over my life, that I am in charge. I make my own decisions. I speak for myself. That is empowering, but it comes with responsibility.
- I am already enough. I am whole and complete. There's nothing else I need to do to finish becoming who I am. I am not my fear. I am not my depression. I am not my anger. I am not my thoughts. I am love.
- I'm looking for a philosophy that helps me find inner peace and have the confidence to be myself. Then I can teach that as an author/blogger/web designer.
- There is part of me that is greater than my perceived weaknesses. I don't have to have the strength as God in me does.
- On some level, the job I have must be meaningful work, or I would not have been given it to do.
- I'm learning that I'm not my thoughts - that I can let them do what they want as I focus my attention on the reality of the present moment.
- I can recognize that when I think I'm wasting my time at work and that I'm not competent to do it, then those thoughts are lies.
- Everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be, I have not been given more than I can handle.
- This is my life. No one else may make choices for me. No one can tell me how to live my life. I have the right to be a pervert and a freak.
- No one can tell me what I should feel or what I should think.
- I am allowed to be foolish, emotional, selfish and weak.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Self Apology
This is from a journal entry dated 8 October 2009:
I have a sense of how I've been hurting myself and I'm trying to make amends. I'm paying attention to how I feel. I've been ruthless in trying to make myself more productive. I feel tired because I feel so much pressure. I need to heal the rift within myself.
I am sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing. I am worth so much more than the way I've been treated. How can I make it up to myself? Stop being so demanding.
I have pushed so hard when all I wanted to do was curl up and hide. I need to know that I'm doing a good job, that I'm worthwhile.
I have a sense of how I've been hurting myself and I'm trying to make amends. I'm paying attention to how I feel. I've been ruthless in trying to make myself more productive. I feel tired because I feel so much pressure. I need to heal the rift within myself.
I am sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing. I am worth so much more than the way I've been treated. How can I make it up to myself? Stop being so demanding.
I have pushed so hard when all I wanted to do was curl up and hide. I need to know that I'm doing a good job, that I'm worthwhile.
October '09 Insights
- I'm tired of fighting with myself.
- How wonderful to live completely in the moment. If I'm alive in the moment, then there's nothing to fear for that moment. How do I move past the fear filter? Maybe by noticing it.
- I want to be free.
- I am limited only by my imagination and my creativity.
- I don't need a destination if I've already arrived.
- I already have everything I need to live my purpose.
- I want time to lay out and relax without focusing on accomplishing anything.
- I want to find other ways to nourish myself.
- Everything I do can be according to a broader plan and not simply doing things from a list.
- I want to eliminate things that don't feed my soul.
- I want to honor the fact that I've already arrived. I can always continue to grow, but I don't have to accomplish anything else before I'm "ready" or "complete."
- I want to hire people to do more tedious work so that I can have time to be more creative.
- My experience of the world around me occurs completely within me. I believe this inner reality through which I interact with the world (called consciousness) is actually God. If that's true, then I literally experience my existence through God in me. Everyone does.
Power of Meditation
These days, when something makes me angry, I don't attach with it. It passes in a few minutes instead of a few hours or days. I find it easier to do things that would normally make me procrastinate or spend time feeling overwhelmed. Patience is productive.
I think most of my earlier procrastination was actually coming from impatience. Every task seemed like it would take too much time. Now I stop trying to fit so much into my day, but I still move forward.
I finally found a tool that feeds and nourishes my soul. I've been meditating regularly. While I meditate, I train myself to focus on being present in the here and now. I let go of past and future. I become aware of the quiet eternal part of myself that isn't rushed. The more I get in touch with that part of myself, the less my world is rocked by whatever happens. When I am upset, it becomes a tool to help me get in better connection with that quiet part of my soul.
Slowly I begin to believe there's nothing I can't handle.
I think most of my earlier procrastination was actually coming from impatience. Every task seemed like it would take too much time. Now I stop trying to fit so much into my day, but I still move forward.
I finally found a tool that feeds and nourishes my soul. I've been meditating regularly. While I meditate, I train myself to focus on being present in the here and now. I let go of past and future. I become aware of the quiet eternal part of myself that isn't rushed. The more I get in touch with that part of myself, the less my world is rocked by whatever happens. When I am upset, it becomes a tool to help me get in better connection with that quiet part of my soul.
Slowly I begin to believe there's nothing I can't handle.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
My Truth - Updated 13 February 2009
Today, I am happy and relaxed, confident and powerful.
Today, I fulfill my core mission and live my divine purpose.
Today, I quiet my mind and unleash my power in support of my core mission.
Today, my partner and I have an unconditional and ever deepening love for each other and our intimacy grows every day.
Today, I am completely safe being totally open and honest with my thoughts and feelings. I am respected and loved for everything that I am.
Today, my life is simple and uncomplicated. I permit my lift to unfold.
Today, I prosperously be myself and live my dreams.
Today, I write my own software products in support of my core mission.
Today, I live as part of a tribe of men who share my values.
Today, I fulfill my core mission and live my divine purpose.
Today, I quiet my mind and unleash my power in support of my core mission.
Today, my partner and I have an unconditional and ever deepening love for each other and our intimacy grows every day.
Today, I am completely safe being totally open and honest with my thoughts and feelings. I am respected and loved for everything that I am.
Today, my life is simple and uncomplicated. I permit my lift to unfold.
Today, I prosperously be myself and live my dreams.
Today, I write my own software products in support of my core mission.
Today, I live as part of a tribe of men who share my values.
September '09 Insights
Instead of trying to figure who I am, how can I let myself be myself?
What I do is not who I am. I am greater than my job and obstacles. My job is a small part of my identity. It can't hurt me.
I affirm that I am already who I want to be, doing what I want to do. I am greater than any labels. I can't be trapped.
I begin here. It's possible to be happy and fulfilled. I don't have to fear death or struggle to live. I can accept circumstances, stop struggling, and give myself what I need.
What I do is not who I am. I am greater than my job and obstacles. My job is a small part of my identity. It can't hurt me.
I affirm that I am already who I want to be, doing what I want to do. I am greater than any labels. I can't be trapped.
I begin here. It's possible to be happy and fulfilled. I don't have to fear death or struggle to live. I can accept circumstances, stop struggling, and give myself what I need.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
August '09 Insights
- I believe that the underlying principle that brought life into existence will continue.
- While I believe in free will, I also believe that there is a divine plan for my life - for everyone's life.
- I believe we are naturally drawn to our path, but that ego leads us off the path. I feel driven by ego and off the path.
- I believe the only part of myself that feels threatened by life is my ego. It's what feels disrespected in traffic. It responds to anger with anger.
- I believe I can take it down a notch. Everything is not critical. Everything is OK just the way it is. Life is always in a transition. Nothing remains the same.
- Up until this point, my life has felt heavy. Life has felt jagged and unsafe - compared to having all my needs met as a child. I have abhorred expressing emotion, but the only emotions I can suppress are happy ones. So I only experience fear, anger and sadness. I want to believe this is not my natural state, but that it is something I can release to uncover myself. I want to believe that I can experience life and feel safe and express joy.
- I am not my thoughts. I am not my ego.
- Only my ego feels overwhelmed.
- Only my ego feels threatened.
- Only my ego feels disrespected.
- Only my ego feels fear.
- Only my ego feels anger.
- Polyphasic sleep schedules don't work if you are naturally tense, drink coffee, or have trouble sleeping.
- If I'm not where I want to be today and if I feel hopelessly stuck - I have at least one alternative: Growth. It doesn't matter how I'm earning money as long as I'm growing.
- No matter what happens, it's a vital step in my personal evolution and I will be OK.
July '09 Insights
- I want to follow my heart and not give a hell what anyone else thinks about it.
- I can be happy now. I don't have to wait. I can let go of the outcome. I can relax and be myself.
- When criticized, do nothing. The ego wants to self-repair. Instead, allow it to be diminished - Eckhart Tolle
- No matter what appears to be, it is always true that I am free. It always has been and always will be my choice.
- My energy is overflowing. I use that energy to suppress that energy during the work day to do work that I don't want to do. I come home depleted of my energy. Learn to release the energy.
- Know that everything that happens is for a greater good.
- Remember to love someone.
- It's more important to me to be happy than to be right.
- My love is greater than any petty disagreement.
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