Greetings All,
For a long time, I have maintained this blog - a non-adult blog. Sometimes I have had mature subject matter, but I have put anything that was too mature or graphic in my adult blog. This has been problematic. It's been difficult to give both blogs equal attention. I have been posting journal entries here, but have sometimes had to censor what I say - or post specific journal entries in the adult blog. I've decided to simplify.
In order to censor myself less, I've decided to move to the adult blog. Everything that used to be posted here will now be posted there. Sometimes perfectly G-Rated material will be on the adult blog. Sometimes graphic fiction or fact will also be present. I hope you'll continue reading my blog there.
I'm not going to delete this blog. There's too much here and there's no way to easily move it over that I'm aware of. The first set of journal entries are now available here on the adult blog: Time and Utopia: Journal Entries.
Thanks and Blessings,
Rex
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Prosperity and Authenticity
Hi All,
I feel bad that it's been a while since my last blog post, but I've been feeling very busy. I've had my first DVD reproduced and they area ready to start selling online. I've had some dental work. I'm working with clients and another SI. I'm starting to look for another software development position. I wish I had a better grasp on how to handle this growth spurt. :)
Rex
This is a journal entry from Monday 9/23/13
Going to Las Vegas is a good way to explore ideas about money. While gambling, I was confronted with ideas about prosperity and about presence. I had a hard time trying to think of any justification for winning. I am already prosperous and winning money wouldn't affect that. It short circuited my ability to make use of the Law Of Attraction.
I was also noticing how hard it is to treat every roll of the dice as the first roll. If it came up a number of times, it felt like it would be less likely to come up again – completely false. The two times I was a dice roller, I lost in ways that took the maximum money from me. If the rollers lost for a while, I couldn't see how they could keep losing. Completely irrelevant. Each moment is the only moment. The past doesn't determine the future. A very valuable spiritual lesson. I only wanted the cash. :)
If I can't move myself to a place of receptivity, it will be hard for me to allow myself to win. In playing, I get more and more nervous as my betting pool shrinks, but in some games – it only takes one roll to win lots of money. I find myself trying to force something to happen through a force of will. The more money I've gambled, the less confident I am of winning.
There's no justification for winning, but there doesn't need to be. I am worthy of prosperity. Money is one aspect of that. If I gain the use of a large amount of money, I could be of greater service and still be able to travel and take care of myself.
It's time to start being true to who I am. Time to live in the present moment and follow my heart. Time to take note of what doesn't serve me and what does.
This is a journal entry from Friday 9/27/13
My old way of life isn't serving me. There are habits and desires that don't really suit me. How can I free myself? The direction to follow is "forward." I don't want to avoid things. I fear using TV or masturbation. I want to find the way forward. I want to write. I want to make videos. I want to do web work.
Part of my calling is to help people get beyond the superficial. I'm convinced most people aren't aware of how rich the world of sexuality is. They think it's about trying new sex acts or different positions. They don't perceive the depth of their sexual world and the power for healing and creativity it offers. They are afraid to look. God has put me on this earth at this time to help them integrate this aspect of themselves.
The world needs open-hearted masculinity. That's what happened to me. My heart was cracked open.
At the same time, I recognize that civilization is at a tipping point. Individuals have vast power unlike anything we have seen in the past. The Earth needs us to take responsibility. It won't be a liberal or conservative future. It will require self-reliance preached by conservatives and compassion preached by liberals. It will require self-interest in preserving and caring for the environment and each other.
I have power. I can create value. My calling is to help people reconcile their sexuality and spirituality. Many believe sexuality lies in a box that must not be opened, so disease festers there. We are a childish species.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/28/13
There's much more to Sacred Intimacy than sexuality. For many, sex doesn't even factor in. Erotic touch is a factor for me only because so many people are erotically wounded.
What is the direction for my life? It may be that the direction of my life will only come up as I am presented with choices. Utopia. Beauty. Sustainability. Love. Prosperity. Healing.
Does a spiritual life mean one of austerity? Do I continue working for retirement or retire now? Life is my choosing every moment. My belief activates my faith which creates my perception. I detach.
I'm afraid if I start working again as a software developer, I will again have all of my precious time sucked up and I will neglect my mission. I don't want to be sucked dry.
I want to step back. Instead of trying to decide what to do for myself, I imagine directing someone else to follow my direction. What might that look like?
I might ask if it's possible to turn authenticity into an income, but I believe real prosperity can only come with authenticity. What is easy and effortless for me? Where do I flow?
I feel bad that it's been a while since my last blog post, but I've been feeling very busy. I've had my first DVD reproduced and they area ready to start selling online. I've had some dental work. I'm working with clients and another SI. I'm starting to look for another software development position. I wish I had a better grasp on how to handle this growth spurt. :)
Rex
This is a journal entry from Monday 9/23/13
Going to Las Vegas is a good way to explore ideas about money. While gambling, I was confronted with ideas about prosperity and about presence. I had a hard time trying to think of any justification for winning. I am already prosperous and winning money wouldn't affect that. It short circuited my ability to make use of the Law Of Attraction.
I was also noticing how hard it is to treat every roll of the dice as the first roll. If it came up a number of times, it felt like it would be less likely to come up again – completely false. The two times I was a dice roller, I lost in ways that took the maximum money from me. If the rollers lost for a while, I couldn't see how they could keep losing. Completely irrelevant. Each moment is the only moment. The past doesn't determine the future. A very valuable spiritual lesson. I only wanted the cash. :)
If I can't move myself to a place of receptivity, it will be hard for me to allow myself to win. In playing, I get more and more nervous as my betting pool shrinks, but in some games – it only takes one roll to win lots of money. I find myself trying to force something to happen through a force of will. The more money I've gambled, the less confident I am of winning.
There's no justification for winning, but there doesn't need to be. I am worthy of prosperity. Money is one aspect of that. If I gain the use of a large amount of money, I could be of greater service and still be able to travel and take care of myself.
It's time to start being true to who I am. Time to live in the present moment and follow my heart. Time to take note of what doesn't serve me and what does.
This is a journal entry from Friday 9/27/13
My old way of life isn't serving me. There are habits and desires that don't really suit me. How can I free myself? The direction to follow is "forward." I don't want to avoid things. I fear using TV or masturbation. I want to find the way forward. I want to write. I want to make videos. I want to do web work.
Part of my calling is to help people get beyond the superficial. I'm convinced most people aren't aware of how rich the world of sexuality is. They think it's about trying new sex acts or different positions. They don't perceive the depth of their sexual world and the power for healing and creativity it offers. They are afraid to look. God has put me on this earth at this time to help them integrate this aspect of themselves.
The world needs open-hearted masculinity. That's what happened to me. My heart was cracked open.
At the same time, I recognize that civilization is at a tipping point. Individuals have vast power unlike anything we have seen in the past. The Earth needs us to take responsibility. It won't be a liberal or conservative future. It will require self-reliance preached by conservatives and compassion preached by liberals. It will require self-interest in preserving and caring for the environment and each other.
I have power. I can create value. My calling is to help people reconcile their sexuality and spirituality. Many believe sexuality lies in a box that must not be opened, so disease festers there. We are a childish species.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 9/28/13
There's much more to Sacred Intimacy than sexuality. For many, sex doesn't even factor in. Erotic touch is a factor for me only because so many people are erotically wounded.
What is the direction for my life? It may be that the direction of my life will only come up as I am presented with choices. Utopia. Beauty. Sustainability. Love. Prosperity. Healing.
Does a spiritual life mean one of austerity? Do I continue working for retirement or retire now? Life is my choosing every moment. My belief activates my faith which creates my perception. I detach.
I'm afraid if I start working again as a software developer, I will again have all of my precious time sucked up and I will neglect my mission. I don't want to be sucked dry.
I want to step back. Instead of trying to decide what to do for myself, I imagine directing someone else to follow my direction. What might that look like?
I might ask if it's possible to turn authenticity into an income, but I believe real prosperity can only come with authenticity. What is easy and effortless for me? Where do I flow?
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sacred Intimate Journey Volume 1: Pleasure
My first erotic education DVD is currently being reproduced for release in the next few weeks. I expect to begin shipping pre-ordered DVDs on September 16, 2013. I'm just at the beginning of my Sacred Intimate journey and this video captures that. There is much more to Sacred Intimacy than simply touching. The erotic energy that I can generate can foster healing and create change in your life. This DVD is just the beginning.This video contains two sessions. The first is a demonstration of my Orgasmic Yoga practice. Every session is different, but it can form the foundation for anyone wanting to start a practice of their own. I describe what I'm doing as you watch and hopefully practice along with me.
I give Scott T. Trott an erotic massage for the second session. It's a fairly brief session, but I also describe what I'm doing so that you and an intimate friend can follow along.
This DVD costs $29.95. Please consider ordering it now!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
My first erotic education DVD is coming.
I'm posting this from lovely Palm Springs at the Vista Grande/Avalon/Mirage. We just arrived yesterday after spending a few days in Las Vegas. I didn't win millions of dollars, but there's a casino here. :)
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/9/13
I left my job in April so that I could work on some projects of my own. I'm uncomfortable not having a corporate job, but I'm free at the moment. If I can find what I'm looking for, I never have to go back to work.
I have been adaptable, reworking my website, looking for ways to make myself known. I understand the metaphysics. I focus on the ultimate goal and let go of the rest. I open myself to opportunities. It's never as simple as it seems. It's much simpler.
My brain is limited, but I am not. I only have a little time left to get my life in order before it takes off. Expunge the past.
This is a journal entry from Monday 9/16/13
I attended a CBE over the weekend. A question was asked about what we wanted to learn. My intention had been to be more clear about the direction of my life. What I came up with was that what I wanted to learn was that I could be going in the right direction without trying. How else can I phrase that? Instead of trying to figure out the direction for my life, I could allow it to be and to unfold. Just answering the question was the thing I was trying to learn.
Another piece of that came up after the last big draw. I had the sensation of drifting forward and kind of bobbing in the new position. That felt like another answer to the question about my direction: The only direction I need to go is forward. Maybe that's just the answer for now, but I find it satisfying. I was looking for something more concrete, but maybe that's not what's important right now.
And I do have a direction forward. I am about to reproduce an erotic DVD. That will be something I own and can sell online. That would allow the possibility of a passive income. I also intend to write a book which could provide another avenue of passive income. With that and a Sacred Intimacy business, there's the possibility I could achieve a living income without selling my soul.
I also need to update my resume with my business experience.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/9/13
I left my job in April so that I could work on some projects of my own. I'm uncomfortable not having a corporate job, but I'm free at the moment. If I can find what I'm looking for, I never have to go back to work.
I have been adaptable, reworking my website, looking for ways to make myself known. I understand the metaphysics. I focus on the ultimate goal and let go of the rest. I open myself to opportunities. It's never as simple as it seems. It's much simpler.
My brain is limited, but I am not. I only have a little time left to get my life in order before it takes off. Expunge the past.
This is a journal entry from Monday 9/16/13
I attended a CBE over the weekend. A question was asked about what we wanted to learn. My intention had been to be more clear about the direction of my life. What I came up with was that what I wanted to learn was that I could be going in the right direction without trying. How else can I phrase that? Instead of trying to figure out the direction for my life, I could allow it to be and to unfold. Just answering the question was the thing I was trying to learn.
Another piece of that came up after the last big draw. I had the sensation of drifting forward and kind of bobbing in the new position. That felt like another answer to the question about my direction: The only direction I need to go is forward. Maybe that's just the answer for now, but I find it satisfying. I was looking for something more concrete, but maybe that's not what's important right now.
And I do have a direction forward. I am about to reproduce an erotic DVD. That will be something I own and can sell online. That would allow the possibility of a passive income. I also intend to write a book which could provide another avenue of passive income. With that and a Sacred Intimacy business, there's the possibility I could achieve a living income without selling my soul.
I also need to update my resume with my business experience.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Anger Issues
This is a journal entry from Sunday
9/8/13
I recently had a Sacred Intimate session where I explored my first grade experience of kissing my best friend, another boy, on the lips. I've been working with it for a while. This time, I was focusing on expressing the anger I felt at the impact the class's response had on my life. I learned not to trust myself and began to hide who I was.
In the session, I had a realization that was new. I realized that the reaction of the other children had nothing to do with me. They were the ones with an idea about how things were supposed to be that wasn't accurate, not me. Their parents and the culture they lived in taught them something that wasn't true for me, and to lash out. It was their learned behavior. It wasn't about me. It was never about me. My anger went away. I realized the other kids weren't attacking me. It was all the story they were telling themselves about how the world was. They were limited at that early age in their ability to grow. They were damaged to want to damage me.
I recently had a Sacred Intimate session where I explored my first grade experience of kissing my best friend, another boy, on the lips. I've been working with it for a while. This time, I was focusing on expressing the anger I felt at the impact the class's response had on my life. I learned not to trust myself and began to hide who I was.
In the session, I had a realization that was new. I realized that the reaction of the other children had nothing to do with me. They were the ones with an idea about how things were supposed to be that wasn't accurate, not me. Their parents and the culture they lived in taught them something that wasn't true for me, and to lash out. It was their learned behavior. It wasn't about me. It was never about me. My anger went away. I realized the other kids weren't attacking me. It was all the story they were telling themselves about how the world was. They were limited at that early age in their ability to grow. They were damaged to want to damage me.
Yes, they were dicks, but it doesn't
change who I am. I'm curious how that insight will trickle through my
time-line. Every time I reacted to someone's judgment, it wasn't
necessary. I was always OK. When I'm told I'm Popeye because my arms
look dysmorphicly skinny, it's not about me. My arms are fine. I'm
not skinny. I'm perfect. I don't have to react anymore.
The one insight ripples through all the
self-esteem related wounds of my life. I'm OK. I was always OK. It
was all in their heads to think I was anything less than a perfect
open-hearted loving child.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
I am big, powerful, and wise.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 8/14/13
I want to change how I feel. How I feel is interfering with my life, or I am letting how I feel interfere with my life.
So much of my life seems to have been spent trying to manage my feelings, or avoiding them. I've spent hours being paralyzed trying to find motivation to do something.
When am I going to start taking care of myself? How do I take care of myself? It seems like I wake up and start pushing myself to be productive while doing nothing. The gas pedal is pressed and the brake is fully engaged. “I don't want to...” If I don't want to, there may be a reason. What am I avoiding? What is it that I do want to do?
My faith operates on the field of divine substance. It always does. That's what it does. I'm getting what I perceive. I can change my perception. Faith is the perceiving power of mind which shapes and forms substance – according to the 4T Prosperity Program.
Lately, I am full of self doubt. I don't feel capable of doing the job I've been doing for years anymore. I feel attacked during interviews. I have doubts that God will prosper me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I know that I am big. Heidi taught me how powerful I truly am. I am big and powerful and wise. I am the giant redwood. Firmly rooted in the earth, my branches reach the heavens. I get sucked into low level programming problems during interviews and lose sight of the depth of my power. My power runs deep.
I am my own benefactor.
If I want a full time job doing software development, I would need to prepare. I would want to research what I have done to remember the technical terms. I would want retraining. I feel like I need to grow up. It's not what I want to do.
On the other hand, I'm not making money as a Sacred Intimate. I have not found a revenue stream that honors that part of myself. God provides for all my needs.
I could write a book. I could finish my first DVD. That would be something I could sell. It could explain what I have to offer.
I know that I have an important part to play. I trust that I will be guided right to it if I stay aware. I now feel guided to act as my own agent.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 8/15/13
Yesterday didn't go very well for me. I have been not feeling that well physically – starting with a fever on Tuesday night. It probably tainted my emotional state. Part of the problem also is looking for a new job, and having a severe lack of confidence in that endeavor.
My spirit animal currently is the dragon fly. One aspect of that is that I know who I really am. The idea is that I hide my strength and power by pretending to be weak and not very smart. I recognize hiding my true nature. I recognize my cleverness. I'm still afraid to express it.
Yesterday, I noticed feeling tired. I laid down and relaxed. I don't want to do that often. I need exercise to stay healthy. I don't think I was sleepy. I think I was anxious. I think I was feeling avoidance. I spend too much time feeling paralyzed. Again, I want to know how I can learn to take my foot off the brake, and gently accelerate.
What have I learned? How do I give myself permission to embrace my power? I have an interview tomorrow. Do I wear my nose-ring or pretend that I don't have one? Do I assimilate?
If my ultimate mission it to give others permission to explore physical desire, grow spiritual understanding and heal their wounds, then I need to think about how I can do that most effectively. My vision statement may need one more revision. I still see piping money from my software development career into this core work. My work is best served through education in self care. I need to learn to care for myself to help others learn to do that.
Is my mission a charity? How can I live my mission today?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/17/13
The dragonfly taught me something. I sense that I already know what I need to do and that it's time to stop playing dumb. I am caught in avoidance.
I will begin at the beginning. “Seek ye first the Kingdom.” This could be the one and only true step. Seeking to be aware of the divine presence within. Quieting the chattering mind. Learning to trust that everything is OK. Letting my heart soar as I sense the life in this body. This is what I always forget, then it becomes putting out the next fire. When I feel anxious, I am out of touch with my awareness of the perfection of life. I am guided to where I need to be.
My mission is to help people feel free to be fully embodied and to reconcile that with their spirituality, to help people heal and grow. I sense that means finding a job and letting it bless my mission with money to grow it. However, a job isn't necessary. What I need are avenues to receive money. God prospers me opulently.
I now know that I am powerful and wise beyond my own understanding, beyond my ability to accept.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/18/13
There is nothing I can't accomplish. I am big, powerful, and wise. I have no need of fear. I find myself releasing attachments.
Whatever happens is none of my business. I am responsible for my experience and actions. This is where my power is.
I will likely have an interview Monday or Tuesday. I am afraid of it. I want to get this contract, but my self-doubt will prevent it. If I go in and feel like I've lost the contract before I get it, I will also lose out.
It's none of my business what happens.
Prosperity grows.
I am powerful. I can use that power any way that I choose.
So, I can step back and stop trying to force things to move quickly. I'm thinking about my prosperity and what it is I have to offer the world.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/20/13
This is a wonderful time to let go of my ego. I have no reason to believe the interview today would go badly. I don't have to take anything today personally. I can let my fear dissolve my ego. I can use this experience to help me wake up.
My wish is to step into this job and continue funding my mission. It's not something I really want to do. I don't want to take time away from what's important, but that's what is happening. Money affords me a certain amount of freedom. Everything is God. All is Love.
I want to rework my DVD and make some reproductions and begin marketing it.
I feel like I need a job. I still haven't looked for a job. I've been letting them come to me. For all I know, this company I'm interviewing with today is a gift from God, an avenue for prosperity. My ego may stand between me and prosperity.
I am a Sacred Intimate, but I have not been taking care of myself lately. I have found myself angry for no reason. I feel that I am missing some nourishment, but I'm not sure what. It feel like I'm tired and hungry and that makes me irritable naturally. I don't know how to shake the tired feeling. Rest doesn't seem to help. It may be anxiety.
My faith operates on the field or divine substance that surrounds me, opulently prospering me.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/25/13
I'm feeling anxious about work again. I still have money in reserve, but I feel the desire to be in the flow of prosperity again. I know I can't not be in the flow, but I'm looking for an avenue for money to come to me. Maybe I've forgotten to trust God?
I had forgotten about trusting God and being guided by him. I've thought about being guided and then turned back to try to figure out what to do next. I still feel I know who I really am, but haven't found a way to express it.
Each morning, I sit and try to connect with God, but my thoughts turn to finding my next job. I'm afraid finding my next job will keep me from living my passion, will trap me. I've been angry in traffic and not nourished.
I value my ability to create. I recognize I create the life I live. So far, my life has been created by my random thoughts. Now I wish to design my life. I want nudity to be part of that design. I keep slipping back and thinking that first I need to make money...
That's not it. Money is a side effect.
I can write.
What is important? I'm all in.
I am big, powerful, and wise. I don't have to know how to serve.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/27/13
The answer is right in front of my nose. I have been opening up. I am finding new freedoms within myself all the time. I remember the moment I found the freedom to put on makeup and wear a dress. I am big, powerful, and wise. That is the direction I have been traveling and growing.
My male SI has helped me see that I am not in the flow. This makes sense to me. I have been feeling like there's a log jam. It seemed to come up when I began getting calls from recruiters and again began looking for a job in a field I know but which I dislike. So now, I'm looking for my flow.
Where are things that are easy and effortless in my life? Where have I been pointed?
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 8/28/13
There is every reason to believe that I will have a great day. I don't need a reason. I need to take care of myself.
Stop seeking for a while. What is it that I want that is taking me out of the flow? What is easy and effortless? Computers are easy and effortless, except for the continuous need to expand my knowledge with changing technologies.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/1/13
Today's card is Death. I have begun going through the Tarot cards one card per day – or until I feel comfortable knowing what the card means. I chose the first card randomly and Death is the one that came up. It represents change and transformation, endings and beginnings.
It feels meaningful that the first card is Death. I have been in a place of transition for a while. First becoming dissatisfied at work in the software development industry. I was no longer being nourished. I was tired and angry. I was laid off. I contracted and worked for a small company before moving to a large company where I again became dissatisfied. It doesn't work.
Now I find myself here. I had wanted a familiar job that paid well, but I haven't found it. I sense an ending as I begin to embrace the life of a Sacred Intimate. I believe that sex is an innocent act and I demonstrate that on camera with self-touch and erotic massage exchange. As a sex educator, how can I say that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and then avoid being seen in sexual contexts – naked and in erotic ecstasy?
I am moving closer to serving paying clients as a Sacred Intimate. It feels more and more natural. I am continuing to move forward with my first DVD which may be two DVDs. I intend to speak to the camera today and explain my Orgasmic Yoga practice and invite the watcher to join me for an extended period of self-love. I feel comfortable with this. It feels right.
Is this the end of software development? I feel that I am at a transition. I need to be motivated by love of what I do and not by money. The revenue stream is essential, but it cannot stand on its own. It needs to be founded in love, but I need to give God an avenue to prosper me. Or I need to listen to God for guidance about where a soul nourishing revenue stream lies.
I want to change how I feel. How I feel is interfering with my life, or I am letting how I feel interfere with my life.
So much of my life seems to have been spent trying to manage my feelings, or avoiding them. I've spent hours being paralyzed trying to find motivation to do something.
When am I going to start taking care of myself? How do I take care of myself? It seems like I wake up and start pushing myself to be productive while doing nothing. The gas pedal is pressed and the brake is fully engaged. “I don't want to...” If I don't want to, there may be a reason. What am I avoiding? What is it that I do want to do?
My faith operates on the field of divine substance. It always does. That's what it does. I'm getting what I perceive. I can change my perception. Faith is the perceiving power of mind which shapes and forms substance – according to the 4T Prosperity Program.
Lately, I am full of self doubt. I don't feel capable of doing the job I've been doing for years anymore. I feel attacked during interviews. I have doubts that God will prosper me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I know that I am big. Heidi taught me how powerful I truly am. I am big and powerful and wise. I am the giant redwood. Firmly rooted in the earth, my branches reach the heavens. I get sucked into low level programming problems during interviews and lose sight of the depth of my power. My power runs deep.
I am my own benefactor.
If I want a full time job doing software development, I would need to prepare. I would want to research what I have done to remember the technical terms. I would want retraining. I feel like I need to grow up. It's not what I want to do.
On the other hand, I'm not making money as a Sacred Intimate. I have not found a revenue stream that honors that part of myself. God provides for all my needs.
I could write a book. I could finish my first DVD. That would be something I could sell. It could explain what I have to offer.
I know that I have an important part to play. I trust that I will be guided right to it if I stay aware. I now feel guided to act as my own agent.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 8/15/13
Yesterday didn't go very well for me. I have been not feeling that well physically – starting with a fever on Tuesday night. It probably tainted my emotional state. Part of the problem also is looking for a new job, and having a severe lack of confidence in that endeavor.
My spirit animal currently is the dragon fly. One aspect of that is that I know who I really am. The idea is that I hide my strength and power by pretending to be weak and not very smart. I recognize hiding my true nature. I recognize my cleverness. I'm still afraid to express it.
Yesterday, I noticed feeling tired. I laid down and relaxed. I don't want to do that often. I need exercise to stay healthy. I don't think I was sleepy. I think I was anxious. I think I was feeling avoidance. I spend too much time feeling paralyzed. Again, I want to know how I can learn to take my foot off the brake, and gently accelerate.
What have I learned? How do I give myself permission to embrace my power? I have an interview tomorrow. Do I wear my nose-ring or pretend that I don't have one? Do I assimilate?
If my ultimate mission it to give others permission to explore physical desire, grow spiritual understanding and heal their wounds, then I need to think about how I can do that most effectively. My vision statement may need one more revision. I still see piping money from my software development career into this core work. My work is best served through education in self care. I need to learn to care for myself to help others learn to do that.
Is my mission a charity? How can I live my mission today?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/17/13
The dragonfly taught me something. I sense that I already know what I need to do and that it's time to stop playing dumb. I am caught in avoidance.
I will begin at the beginning. “Seek ye first the Kingdom.” This could be the one and only true step. Seeking to be aware of the divine presence within. Quieting the chattering mind. Learning to trust that everything is OK. Letting my heart soar as I sense the life in this body. This is what I always forget, then it becomes putting out the next fire. When I feel anxious, I am out of touch with my awareness of the perfection of life. I am guided to where I need to be.
My mission is to help people feel free to be fully embodied and to reconcile that with their spirituality, to help people heal and grow. I sense that means finding a job and letting it bless my mission with money to grow it. However, a job isn't necessary. What I need are avenues to receive money. God prospers me opulently.
I now know that I am powerful and wise beyond my own understanding, beyond my ability to accept.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/18/13
There is nothing I can't accomplish. I am big, powerful, and wise. I have no need of fear. I find myself releasing attachments.
Whatever happens is none of my business. I am responsible for my experience and actions. This is where my power is.
I will likely have an interview Monday or Tuesday. I am afraid of it. I want to get this contract, but my self-doubt will prevent it. If I go in and feel like I've lost the contract before I get it, I will also lose out.
It's none of my business what happens.
Prosperity grows.
I am powerful. I can use that power any way that I choose.
So, I can step back and stop trying to force things to move quickly. I'm thinking about my prosperity and what it is I have to offer the world.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/20/13
This is a wonderful time to let go of my ego. I have no reason to believe the interview today would go badly. I don't have to take anything today personally. I can let my fear dissolve my ego. I can use this experience to help me wake up.
My wish is to step into this job and continue funding my mission. It's not something I really want to do. I don't want to take time away from what's important, but that's what is happening. Money affords me a certain amount of freedom. Everything is God. All is Love.
I want to rework my DVD and make some reproductions and begin marketing it.
I feel like I need a job. I still haven't looked for a job. I've been letting them come to me. For all I know, this company I'm interviewing with today is a gift from God, an avenue for prosperity. My ego may stand between me and prosperity.
I am a Sacred Intimate, but I have not been taking care of myself lately. I have found myself angry for no reason. I feel that I am missing some nourishment, but I'm not sure what. It feel like I'm tired and hungry and that makes me irritable naturally. I don't know how to shake the tired feeling. Rest doesn't seem to help. It may be anxiety.
My faith operates on the field or divine substance that surrounds me, opulently prospering me.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/25/13
I'm feeling anxious about work again. I still have money in reserve, but I feel the desire to be in the flow of prosperity again. I know I can't not be in the flow, but I'm looking for an avenue for money to come to me. Maybe I've forgotten to trust God?
I had forgotten about trusting God and being guided by him. I've thought about being guided and then turned back to try to figure out what to do next. I still feel I know who I really am, but haven't found a way to express it.
Each morning, I sit and try to connect with God, but my thoughts turn to finding my next job. I'm afraid finding my next job will keep me from living my passion, will trap me. I've been angry in traffic and not nourished.
I value my ability to create. I recognize I create the life I live. So far, my life has been created by my random thoughts. Now I wish to design my life. I want nudity to be part of that design. I keep slipping back and thinking that first I need to make money...
That's not it. Money is a side effect.
I can write.
What is important? I'm all in.
I am big, powerful, and wise. I don't have to know how to serve.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/27/13
The answer is right in front of my nose. I have been opening up. I am finding new freedoms within myself all the time. I remember the moment I found the freedom to put on makeup and wear a dress. I am big, powerful, and wise. That is the direction I have been traveling and growing.
My male SI has helped me see that I am not in the flow. This makes sense to me. I have been feeling like there's a log jam. It seemed to come up when I began getting calls from recruiters and again began looking for a job in a field I know but which I dislike. So now, I'm looking for my flow.
Where are things that are easy and effortless in my life? Where have I been pointed?
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 8/28/13
There is every reason to believe that I will have a great day. I don't need a reason. I need to take care of myself.
Stop seeking for a while. What is it that I want that is taking me out of the flow? What is easy and effortless? Computers are easy and effortless, except for the continuous need to expand my knowledge with changing technologies.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 9/1/13
Today's card is Death. I have begun going through the Tarot cards one card per day – or until I feel comfortable knowing what the card means. I chose the first card randomly and Death is the one that came up. It represents change and transformation, endings and beginnings.
It feels meaningful that the first card is Death. I have been in a place of transition for a while. First becoming dissatisfied at work in the software development industry. I was no longer being nourished. I was tired and angry. I was laid off. I contracted and worked for a small company before moving to a large company where I again became dissatisfied. It doesn't work.
Now I find myself here. I had wanted a familiar job that paid well, but I haven't found it. I sense an ending as I begin to embrace the life of a Sacred Intimate. I believe that sex is an innocent act and I demonstrate that on camera with self-touch and erotic massage exchange. As a sex educator, how can I say that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and then avoid being seen in sexual contexts – naked and in erotic ecstasy?
I am moving closer to serving paying clients as a Sacred Intimate. It feels more and more natural. I am continuing to move forward with my first DVD which may be two DVDs. I intend to speak to the camera today and explain my Orgasmic Yoga practice and invite the watcher to join me for an extended period of self-love. I feel comfortable with this. It feels right.
Is this the end of software development? I feel that I am at a transition. I need to be motivated by love of what I do and not by money. The revenue stream is essential, but it cannot stand on its own. It needs to be founded in love, but I need to give God an avenue to prosper me. Or I need to listen to God for guidance about where a soul nourishing revenue stream lies.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Prosperous Healer and Sacred Intimate
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/22/13
I'm looking for an insight I can put to practical use for prosperity class.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 7/23/13
I am clothed in divine substance. The power of God supports me. The intelligence of God is fully available to me.
I have a technical interview today. I feel anxiety. I don't think I can "pass" this interview. Even though I am not attached to this job, I feel threatened by the interview – of having my lack of knowledge exposed. I want a job, but I don't want to have to interview. I hate the powerless vulnerable exposed position of being interviewed. What true affirmations can I hold onto?
I am fully qualified for his position. Anything I don't know, I can learn. My skills are impeccable. My wisdom runs deep.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/25/13
I woke up this morning and my ego/conscious mind thinks it's responsible for finding a job. God is the source of my supply and I am swimming in substance that provides for every need.
The first thing I have to overcome is the feeling of needing money. God is the source of all-providing substance. I am worthy of prosperity – which is the multiplying of manifesting substance.
My conscious mind tells me the best way to be able to expand my sacred healing calling is to find a nicely paying job with insurance and vacation. I am swimming in divine substance that responds to thoughts I hold in mind. How do allow God's prospering power to flow through me – or for me.
My faith operates on the field of divine substance that surrounds me and manifests opulent prosperity. I prosper as healer and Sacred Intimate.
My consciousness sometimes acts as an impediment because of the influence of ego. I would like to find ways to set it aside so that I can continue to unfold spiritually and find my true strength.
This is a journal entry from Friday 7/26/13
There are several things going through my mind this morning. What do I want my life to look like? What do I want my day to look like? What service do I want to provide?
I am afraid getting a full time job again will pull me off track in my life mission. Life is too short to be doing other people's work. Having money for these intensives that open me up is great, but working without any enthusiasm depletes me.
My instinct says to follow my enthusiasm. What inspires me? I am still afraid, afraid of living my greatness.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/28/13
I'm considering what to do about my Sacred Intimacy landing page. What do I present?
How do you experience your body in the world today? There has been a prevalent thrust to deny the body and emotions in modern culture. We see how this plays out when those in the public sphere repress and hide their natures so deeply that the pressure builds and they act out in unhealthy ways, leading to scandals.
What if you gave yourself permission to consciously meet your physical and emotional needs? What if you could spend 90 minutes a month and escape the superficial life of modern society and experience deeper connection with another human being as nature intended? What if you could practice being physically and emotionally intimate with another human in a safe and calming nonjudgmental environment? What if you could gently stretch your comfort zone, whatever your present comfort zone is?
Maybe being intimate with a man is tough. Maybe sex seems so routine that you think you need more extreme sensation. Maybe a no-strings-attached professional is exactly what you need to reconnect with deeper more meaningful desires. My calling in life is to be of service in this way for you.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/3/13
With the reading from the SEE classes and Work Less, Make More book and my Yoga of Sex class, there is more on my plate than I can handle. I want to grab hold and complete everything. I feel my whole body tightening up to fight for it. That approach doesn't work.
I've also updated my website with a focus on Sacred Intimacy and I've begun asking men to join me for Orgasmic Yoga. Responding to everyone has been time consuming. I'm also responding to recruiters. I need to own my time. I haven't found a balance yet.
My relationship with time is not right. I perceive myself having less and less time. I see things that are not being completed. I can imagine living in the eternal present moment, but I'm not making progress with Yoga of Sex because of other concerns. I want to accomplish too much, so I accomplish very little. I've actually accomplished much as far as redirecting my life toward my heart's desire.
I feel that I need to release my demands on what I do. I need to release the way of seeing time that I received from the world, and let God be my vision.
Just like everything else, God is my supply. He provides for all my needs before I ask. I feel that it's time to tune into that supply. My mission in life was given me by God. To live my mission brings me fulfillment. I can surrender myself to the will of God. That would align me with my authentic self.
Thank you, God, for guiding me. I rejoice in my mission of service to you. Thank you for the abundance of divine substance that I form and shape through faith. My faith operates on the field of divine substance that surrounds me to opulently prosper me in my calling as healer and Sacred Intimate.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/4/13
I'm looking for a new way of life. I must always begin from this state of mind, where I am not governed by a clock. I live in the eternal present moment. I Am an extension of God, who provides for me my every need. My job is to be unlimited.
My rational mind tells me there's not enough time to do all the reading I want to do and all the studying. In the end, I am here to act, not to prepare. But I was given this mind to support my mission in the physical world.
I want to serve as a Sacred Intimate, foster sacred erotic community, and advocate for sexual freedom.
I want to nurture myself with orgasmic yoga, physical exercise, and healthy food. I want to grow my ability to serve by completing my Yoga of Sex and Sexological Bodyworker trainings and to become a Licensed Unity Teacher.
I recognize my relationship with time is broken. I believe I am limited to 24 hours per day and that there is too much to do. That all comes from the world. The Truth is that I'm an eternal mind being living in the eternal present moment. Since time itself is an illusion, how can there ever be “enough” of it?
God provides for all that I need. All that I ask, I receive. I wish to live a wholly (holy) satisfying life in the eternal present moment. My sense that there isn't enough time ultimately stems from a sense of mortality and an ending to this physical manifestation. Life is going faster and faster to that endpoint. I can surrender and let God worry about that so that I can focus on living.
I'm looking for an insight I can put to practical use for prosperity class.
- One option has to do with being more aware of the God Substance surrounding me.
- Another is Chapter 9 in Spiritual Economics pages 155-156: “...Mattern had to overcome was the feeling of needing money... you need faith. You need a flow of creativity. You need ideas... if you consciously imbue your money with the idea of abundance, it will begin to work for you in a positive way. Suddenly the seemingly little supply becomes dynamic seed money, giving rise to unbelievable increase.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 7/23/13
I am clothed in divine substance. The power of God supports me. The intelligence of God is fully available to me.
I have a technical interview today. I feel anxiety. I don't think I can "pass" this interview. Even though I am not attached to this job, I feel threatened by the interview – of having my lack of knowledge exposed. I want a job, but I don't want to have to interview. I hate the powerless vulnerable exposed position of being interviewed. What true affirmations can I hold onto?
I am fully qualified for his position. Anything I don't know, I can learn. My skills are impeccable. My wisdom runs deep.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/25/13
I woke up this morning and my ego/conscious mind thinks it's responsible for finding a job. God is the source of my supply and I am swimming in substance that provides for every need.
The first thing I have to overcome is the feeling of needing money. God is the source of all-providing substance. I am worthy of prosperity – which is the multiplying of manifesting substance.
My conscious mind tells me the best way to be able to expand my sacred healing calling is to find a nicely paying job with insurance and vacation. I am swimming in divine substance that responds to thoughts I hold in mind. How do allow God's prospering power to flow through me – or for me.
My faith operates on the field of divine substance that surrounds me and manifests opulent prosperity. I prosper as healer and Sacred Intimate.
My consciousness sometimes acts as an impediment because of the influence of ego. I would like to find ways to set it aside so that I can continue to unfold spiritually and find my true strength.
This is a journal entry from Friday 7/26/13
There are several things going through my mind this morning. What do I want my life to look like? What do I want my day to look like? What service do I want to provide?
I am afraid getting a full time job again will pull me off track in my life mission. Life is too short to be doing other people's work. Having money for these intensives that open me up is great, but working without any enthusiasm depletes me.
My instinct says to follow my enthusiasm. What inspires me? I am still afraid, afraid of living my greatness.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/28/13
I'm considering what to do about my Sacred Intimacy landing page. What do I present?
How do you experience your body in the world today? There has been a prevalent thrust to deny the body and emotions in modern culture. We see how this plays out when those in the public sphere repress and hide their natures so deeply that the pressure builds and they act out in unhealthy ways, leading to scandals.
What if you gave yourself permission to consciously meet your physical and emotional needs? What if you could spend 90 minutes a month and escape the superficial life of modern society and experience deeper connection with another human being as nature intended? What if you could practice being physically and emotionally intimate with another human in a safe and calming nonjudgmental environment? What if you could gently stretch your comfort zone, whatever your present comfort zone is?
Maybe being intimate with a man is tough. Maybe sex seems so routine that you think you need more extreme sensation. Maybe a no-strings-attached professional is exactly what you need to reconnect with deeper more meaningful desires. My calling in life is to be of service in this way for you.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/3/13
With the reading from the SEE classes and Work Less, Make More book and my Yoga of Sex class, there is more on my plate than I can handle. I want to grab hold and complete everything. I feel my whole body tightening up to fight for it. That approach doesn't work.
I've also updated my website with a focus on Sacred Intimacy and I've begun asking men to join me for Orgasmic Yoga. Responding to everyone has been time consuming. I'm also responding to recruiters. I need to own my time. I haven't found a balance yet.
My relationship with time is not right. I perceive myself having less and less time. I see things that are not being completed. I can imagine living in the eternal present moment, but I'm not making progress with Yoga of Sex because of other concerns. I want to accomplish too much, so I accomplish very little. I've actually accomplished much as far as redirecting my life toward my heart's desire.
I feel that I need to release my demands on what I do. I need to release the way of seeing time that I received from the world, and let God be my vision.
Just like everything else, God is my supply. He provides for all my needs before I ask. I feel that it's time to tune into that supply. My mission in life was given me by God. To live my mission brings me fulfillment. I can surrender myself to the will of God. That would align me with my authentic self.
Thank you, God, for guiding me. I rejoice in my mission of service to you. Thank you for the abundance of divine substance that I form and shape through faith. My faith operates on the field of divine substance that surrounds me to opulently prosper me in my calling as healer and Sacred Intimate.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/4/13
I'm looking for a new way of life. I must always begin from this state of mind, where I am not governed by a clock. I live in the eternal present moment. I Am an extension of God, who provides for me my every need. My job is to be unlimited.
My rational mind tells me there's not enough time to do all the reading I want to do and all the studying. In the end, I am here to act, not to prepare. But I was given this mind to support my mission in the physical world.
I want to serve as a Sacred Intimate, foster sacred erotic community, and advocate for sexual freedom.
I want to nurture myself with orgasmic yoga, physical exercise, and healthy food. I want to grow my ability to serve by completing my Yoga of Sex and Sexological Bodyworker trainings and to become a Licensed Unity Teacher.
I recognize my relationship with time is broken. I believe I am limited to 24 hours per day and that there is too much to do. That all comes from the world. The Truth is that I'm an eternal mind being living in the eternal present moment. Since time itself is an illusion, how can there ever be “enough” of it?
God provides for all that I need. All that I ask, I receive. I wish to live a wholly (holy) satisfying life in the eternal present moment. My sense that there isn't enough time ultimately stems from a sense of mortality and an ending to this physical manifestation. Life is going faster and faster to that endpoint. I can surrender and let God worry about that so that I can focus on living.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Healer and Sacred Intimate
This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/27/13
I wonder what it would be like to allow myself to be the man I see in the mirror. I can see myself clinging to who I think I am, but that is not all that I am. I had a glimpse the other day, but what was it? Let me go deep.
Pierced: two ears and septum, long face with goatee. Without fear. Without attachment. Powerful.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/30/13
My dream ended as I was climbing up a steep hill. There was a guide in front and the guy behind me had to carry a water cooler. I had to plod up the hill. I was going slowly, but making steady progress when I woke up. It was the woods behind my grandma's house, but the real place didn't have hills or mountains.
Our cat was caught by dogs – according to my partner according to a neighbor... I won't be posting the details of that portion of this journal entry.
I'm on the plane on the way to San Francisco. I had a hard time leaving my partner since we're going through the loss of our cat. I don't like leaving him, but it will give him time to do his processing.
With the dream this morning, my sacred journey began. I'm trying to let my ego get out of the way. I want to travel deep into my soul, but this is so painful. This isn't how I saw my trip beginning. I was going to be high from Houston Pride and the erotic play at the baths. Instead, we were subdued.
I am in God's hands. I am in Love's hands. I want to do more than surrender. I need to open my eyes and observe. What is my soul's desire. What is mine to do?
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/1/13
“It is so difficult to remember who we are and to act from there.” Rumi: The Book of Love by Coleman Barks. I understand this. I am not who I think I am. I Am Love. How to remember? I feel like dying is worth remembering this. I don't want to go back to be swallowed up by modern life and it's superficial ways. I need to love, but modern life, for me, leaves no time for that. I'm the one who can design a life such as this.
It feels dangerous to drop the façade and connect on deeper levels with everyone. I'm afraid I'll be swallowed up. It's safer to be indifferent and focus on my plans and situation.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/4/13
My intention has been to transform into myself. I have been holding that fiercely. After my first session this morning, I believe I refined that intention to include what I already know about my authentic self – which is a power erotic being.
My penis is at the center of my masculinity. My masculine power comes from my penis. That power is available to me and served me during my father's passing. So one way to transform into myself is to release my masculine erotic power or to find new ways to express my erotic power.
I'm not looking for ways to be authentic. I'm looking for how I am authentic and learning how to express that.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/6/13
Yesterday, I got in touch with losing our cat and the gift that she was. I got the insight that she was wise and powerful and big even though she was only a tiny cat. She demonstrated that. Then I realized I was also big and powerful and wise compared to how I perceive myself.
My intention is to transform into my wise, powerful and big self.
Today was the last full day of the workshop/intensive. I have been an SI client eight times. I have been an SI eight times. That is so powerful. I intend to go back to Austin and begin searching for a full time software development job again. I want to reserve time to do SI work. I want to have more intentional contact with my partner. It's time to start working again.
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/8/13
After all those sessions, I am very clear. I want to go back into a software development position of my choosing. I will slate some time to have available for SI sessions. I'll complete my Yoga of Sex course, and plan on attending Sexological Bodywork Training. I'd like to attend In the Garden as a client and maybe continue to advanced SI training. I want to eventually get to the PSI intensive and In the Silence. I'm going to increase the intimacy between my partner and I. I'm going to keep up with my Orgasmic Yoga sessions and reach out to potential clients. I'm going to have a follow-up SI session to bring this to completion, working on my mission and vision statements. I want to complete my death preparations.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/14/13
My heart still feels tingly. I feel full. I feel ecstatic. It's been three weeks since I last ejaculated. I have been very sexual that entire time. I can't imagine being more happy and powerful. There's certainly nothing wrong with ejaculating. I am just loving the feeling of my erotic energy rising within me to the point of overflowing. It empowers me to be more authentic and fearless.
I feel so excited in my belly.
I choose to focus on my mission and vision, so that I will be better able to spot a company that aligns with my purpose. Instead of focusing on adult entertainment, maybe I need to focus on charitable organizations, or those focused on health, healing, sexual health, poverty, hunger,... I want a company focused on service more than profits even if profits are a priority for the sake of continued service. I need something with vacation and insurance.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/18/13
I'm taking two SEE classes this week. I have not kept up with the reading. I started out behind schedule. I want to spend the next couple of weeks going over the reading I missed and look for ways to incorporate what I learn. Unfortunately, I also want to work on my Yoga of Sex course. And I want a new job. I have a sense of limited time. I have not worked on my Yoga of Sex course in a long time because of prep for SI training. I feel I am getting slower and slower. Other things need to be done and I am doing them. I am not keeping focus.
According to everything I've been reading this week, it all comes down to keeping my focus on the presence of God, to seek first the Kingdom, to have faith... The desire to get everything done is blocking me. I need to be aware that I have my life in and through God first. I first let go of the anxiety, then everything is possible.
This is a journal entry from Friday7/19/13
Next thing...
My mission is to give people permission
to explore their physical desires
to grow their spiritual understanding
To heal their wounds
I am looking for a job that nourishes my soul so that I have abundant energy when I am not at work. In the evenings and on weekends.
My real desire is to help people experience healing on all levels. I want to continue to learn new modalities and to grow my ability to serve in this way. I want to explore a life of service.
I believe I want a full time job with health insurance and ample time for training and practicing my healing arts.
I prosper as a healer and Sacred Intimate
God in me prospers me as a healer and Sacred Intimate
I wonder what it would be like to allow myself to be the man I see in the mirror. I can see myself clinging to who I think I am, but that is not all that I am. I had a glimpse the other day, but what was it? Let me go deep.
Pierced: two ears and septum, long face with goatee. Without fear. Without attachment. Powerful.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/30/13
My dream ended as I was climbing up a steep hill. There was a guide in front and the guy behind me had to carry a water cooler. I had to plod up the hill. I was going slowly, but making steady progress when I woke up. It was the woods behind my grandma's house, but the real place didn't have hills or mountains.
Our cat was caught by dogs – according to my partner according to a neighbor... I won't be posting the details of that portion of this journal entry.
I'm on the plane on the way to San Francisco. I had a hard time leaving my partner since we're going through the loss of our cat. I don't like leaving him, but it will give him time to do his processing.
With the dream this morning, my sacred journey began. I'm trying to let my ego get out of the way. I want to travel deep into my soul, but this is so painful. This isn't how I saw my trip beginning. I was going to be high from Houston Pride and the erotic play at the baths. Instead, we were subdued.
I am in God's hands. I am in Love's hands. I want to do more than surrender. I need to open my eyes and observe. What is my soul's desire. What is mine to do?
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/1/13
“It is so difficult to remember who we are and to act from there.” Rumi: The Book of Love by Coleman Barks. I understand this. I am not who I think I am. I Am Love. How to remember? I feel like dying is worth remembering this. I don't want to go back to be swallowed up by modern life and it's superficial ways. I need to love, but modern life, for me, leaves no time for that. I'm the one who can design a life such as this.
It feels dangerous to drop the façade and connect on deeper levels with everyone. I'm afraid I'll be swallowed up. It's safer to be indifferent and focus on my plans and situation.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/4/13
My intention has been to transform into myself. I have been holding that fiercely. After my first session this morning, I believe I refined that intention to include what I already know about my authentic self – which is a power erotic being.
My penis is at the center of my masculinity. My masculine power comes from my penis. That power is available to me and served me during my father's passing. So one way to transform into myself is to release my masculine erotic power or to find new ways to express my erotic power.
I'm not looking for ways to be authentic. I'm looking for how I am authentic and learning how to express that.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 7/6/13
Yesterday, I got in touch with losing our cat and the gift that she was. I got the insight that she was wise and powerful and big even though she was only a tiny cat. She demonstrated that. Then I realized I was also big and powerful and wise compared to how I perceive myself.
My intention is to transform into my wise, powerful and big self.
Today was the last full day of the workshop/intensive. I have been an SI client eight times. I have been an SI eight times. That is so powerful. I intend to go back to Austin and begin searching for a full time software development job again. I want to reserve time to do SI work. I want to have more intentional contact with my partner. It's time to start working again.
This is a journal entry from Monday 7/8/13
After all those sessions, I am very clear. I want to go back into a software development position of my choosing. I will slate some time to have available for SI sessions. I'll complete my Yoga of Sex course, and plan on attending Sexological Bodywork Training. I'd like to attend In the Garden as a client and maybe continue to advanced SI training. I want to eventually get to the PSI intensive and In the Silence. I'm going to increase the intimacy between my partner and I. I'm going to keep up with my Orgasmic Yoga sessions and reach out to potential clients. I'm going to have a follow-up SI session to bring this to completion, working on my mission and vision statements. I want to complete my death preparations.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/14/13
My heart still feels tingly. I feel full. I feel ecstatic. It's been three weeks since I last ejaculated. I have been very sexual that entire time. I can't imagine being more happy and powerful. There's certainly nothing wrong with ejaculating. I am just loving the feeling of my erotic energy rising within me to the point of overflowing. It empowers me to be more authentic and fearless.
I feel so excited in my belly.
I choose to focus on my mission and vision, so that I will be better able to spot a company that aligns with my purpose. Instead of focusing on adult entertainment, maybe I need to focus on charitable organizations, or those focused on health, healing, sexual health, poverty, hunger,... I want a company focused on service more than profits even if profits are a priority for the sake of continued service. I need something with vacation and insurance.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/18/13
I'm taking two SEE classes this week. I have not kept up with the reading. I started out behind schedule. I want to spend the next couple of weeks going over the reading I missed and look for ways to incorporate what I learn. Unfortunately, I also want to work on my Yoga of Sex course. And I want a new job. I have a sense of limited time. I have not worked on my Yoga of Sex course in a long time because of prep for SI training. I feel I am getting slower and slower. Other things need to be done and I am doing them. I am not keeping focus.
According to everything I've been reading this week, it all comes down to keeping my focus on the presence of God, to seek first the Kingdom, to have faith... The desire to get everything done is blocking me. I need to be aware that I have my life in and through God first. I first let go of the anxiety, then everything is possible.
This is a journal entry from Friday7/19/13
Next thing...
My mission is to give people permission
to explore their physical desires
to grow their spiritual understanding
To heal their wounds
I am looking for a job that nourishes my soul so that I have abundant energy when I am not at work. In the evenings and on weekends.
My real desire is to help people experience healing on all levels. I want to continue to learn new modalities and to grow my ability to serve in this way. I want to explore a life of service.
I believe I want a full time job with health insurance and ample time for training and practicing my healing arts.
I prosper as a healer and Sacred Intimate
God in me prospers me as a healer and Sacred Intimate
Divine Love within prospers me as a healer and Sacred Intimate
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Fears and Desires
This is a journal entry from Monday 6/17/13
I must face my fears. I must go into them and experience them deeply.
A long running fear is to be unemployed and running out of money – living on the street.
Another is dying – coming to an end where everything I know comes to an end.
Another is to find myself in a lake of fire for eternity.
Another is to have to walk away from everything I know to serve god – a different kind of death.
Sacred Intimacy Training begins in two weeks. I want these two weeks to be a spirit filled time. I'm looking for a way of life, a way to feed my soul, to wake up, to open my heart. Orgasmic Yoga? Exercise? Avoid TV?
If I was living in an erotic monastery, how might my day unfold? Everything would be geared toward connecting with the divine. There would be prayer and meditation. There would be intimate connection. There would be “chopping wood, carrying water.” We would attend to healing those that came to us for help. There would be consciousness raising to heal the world.
Faith is the substance of expected things. We continuously use faith to create our world. Our world reflects our faith. With the guidance of soul and spirit, I choose to create a vision for my life.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/18/13
The first soul encounter I can remember was falling in love. It lead indirectly to a stay at a mental institution. I took an elevator to Hell. I saw the world coming to an end like a watch running down. I found a way to time travel to re-sync with the present moment. A guardian angel who took care of me during this time left me as I found my sanity.
I must face my fears. I must go into them and experience them deeply.
A long running fear is to be unemployed and running out of money – living on the street.
Another is dying – coming to an end where everything I know comes to an end.
Another is to find myself in a lake of fire for eternity.
Another is to have to walk away from everything I know to serve god – a different kind of death.
Sacred Intimacy Training begins in two weeks. I want these two weeks to be a spirit filled time. I'm looking for a way of life, a way to feed my soul, to wake up, to open my heart. Orgasmic Yoga? Exercise? Avoid TV?
If I was living in an erotic monastery, how might my day unfold? Everything would be geared toward connecting with the divine. There would be prayer and meditation. There would be intimate connection. There would be “chopping wood, carrying water.” We would attend to healing those that came to us for help. There would be consciousness raising to heal the world.
Faith is the substance of expected things. We continuously use faith to create our world. Our world reflects our faith. With the guidance of soul and spirit, I choose to create a vision for my life.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/18/13
The first soul encounter I can remember was falling in love. It lead indirectly to a stay at a mental institution. I took an elevator to Hell. I saw the world coming to an end like a watch running down. I found a way to time travel to re-sync with the present moment. A guardian angel who took care of me during this time left me as I found my sanity.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Sacred Intimacy Training, Homework
Part of my homework is to list five things that touched or inspired me about my own life from reading Soulcraft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche by Bill Plotkin. I tried to write down anything that was relevant while reading the book.
First, I believe I have a sacred wound surrounding kissing my best friend in first grade. This is something I've worked with and explored. I sense there's more work to do here. I believe this is when I began withdrawing from my authenticity. I believe this time in my life is when my loyal soldier began protecting me by helping me hide my true nature and to be invisible. It didn't work. I was still seen and I was seen as weak. The universe began reflecting my self-doubt. I've learned to expose my body and be physically intimate, but I still censor my thoughts and feelings. I overexpose my body so that I can feel seen. I don't feel comfortable speaking my mind. I always feel on guard and wary. I can't let my guard down. I am uptight. Dorothy's story in Chapter 4 reminds me of how I “Sacrifice [my] one true life in order to make [myself] and others comfortable.”
Second and related to the first, I related to Bob the introvert in chapter 12 who was irritated with trivial extrovert conversation. In attempting to protect myself by hiding myself, I developed a rich inner life. I lived with hiding my attraction to men and sex with men for a few years. I spend time deep in my journal. Crowds of people exhaust me. I listen much more than I speak. I avoid speaking unless I have something to say. I often hear people speaking for what I perceive as the sake of speaking. It annoys me and I suspect it's because I am jealous of their extrovert nature, although I value being an introvert with a rich inner world. I wish people didn't exhaust me.
Third, I have another sacred wound. I visited a mental institution for a few weeks around 1989. I had fallen in love. I was under pressure as I had just come out to my family and was trying to figure out how to survive and put myself through my last year of college. I hadn't been eating right. I was exhausted. I lost the ability to sleep. I could see auras. This was at the end of summer and I had done LSD at some point over the summer. I believe I had a messiah complex. I was sure I could heal people. I was afraid I would be overwhelmed by people coming for healing, but I didn't know how to heal. I was afraid that the crowds would become angry and kill me. I thought about running into the woods and hiding. I avoided whatever call this was. In the institution, I diagnosed myself as being out of phase with the present moment. I believed I could use the right-hand-rule-of-thumb to move forward in time and the left-hand-rule-of-thumb to move back in time until I was back in sync with the present moment. At some point, I heard a friend who wasn't there say that he had to leave. At that moment, I felt I was back, but it took me a few days to trust myself again. I later learned my friend had become a born again Christian.
Fourth, In Chapter 13 I revisited an idea that arose from reading the section called “A sensuous connection with mysterious images” The following comes from a journal entry on Monday 6/17/13: Again, I come to the concept that everything I perceive is within me. The house I see is actually my perception within myself of the house. I've heard this described as a sophomoric philosophical exercise, but I believe it is worth pursuing. In thinking about it, you may consider that there's a mini-you watching your perceptions on a big screen TV in your brain. Where is the observer – the perceiver? My understanding today is that I am all that I perceive – including the perception of my body and mind. How do I explain this? Inside this objective body lies a world constructed of my perceptions – everything I see, hear, feel, taste and smell. What I perceive as my body is only my perception – it is not my objective body. The idea of “me” is as much an artificial construct as the tree that I perceive within that exists as something unknowable without. I am not the mini-person inside my mind watching a big screen. I am the big screen, and everything projected on the big screen. I am my perception of the tree. I am all that I perceive. Within this objective body, there is no distinction from me and the tree and the grass and the house and my naked body and my thoughts and feelings. This is my world. I am ultimately alone in this objective body except for God who is also me and connects me with every other life form in the universe.
Fifth, in chapter 12 I relate to the idea that sexual love is spiritual as well as carnal. Originally I just wanted to know that sex wasn't sinful, but my desire grew to know that sex was spiritual and to explore that union. After Dear Love, I wanted to use erotic touch for healing. Starting with my Yoga of Sex class, I began self-touch rituals dedicated to my intentions. From Chapter 1, I related to how the religious world demonizes or ignores physical needs and desires, physical pleasures and the divine feminine. I want to heal that division. There may be cases where sex can cause harm, but that tends to be more due to suppression and repression. I believe we need to begin respecting ourselves as thinking erotic beings, to end the war between body and spirit. In Chapter 2, the author mentions Pan whom I love. “Pan, the Greek's horned god of the forest was transformed into the devil of Christian mythology.”
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Dragonfly, Big Picture, Dreams
This is a journal entry from Monday 6/3/13
I remind myself that the point isn't to get a list of things done, or to see how many things I can get done. The point is to live a meaningful life. My life is mine to create. Meaning is mine to find. I am more than I know myself to be.
I find it hard to focus on the big picture. I start working on what's in front of me, clearing underbrush when my goal is to cut a path through a jungle. There is a place for me, but right now I'm trapped within myself. All the blocks I experience are within me.
I really don't know what the big picture is yet, what my big picture is. That's what I'm exploring. I'm going to put together a new prosperity map. I want to dive deep to find meaningful and relevant images.
This is a journal entry from Monday 6/10/13
What is the big picture today? It always comes down to love, but I habitually forget about love.
Dragonfly keeps visiting me. My partner said they called them witch doctors when he was growing up because of their colors. I don't know what dragonfly has to say to me. When he visited yesterday, I struck on the dragonfly as symbol for transformation, and my story for the anthology being three transformations and how I concluded at the end of my story that my whole life is one continuous transformation. It really struck me.
My dreams last night included a crone who was an ally confronting something dangerous, a being of some kind. Something fearsome. I don't remember details.
The big picture is to get to know myself. How can I more fully express myself in the world? How can I let go of my fear of being known? Maybe it all comes down to knowing myself better and loving myself more fully. Maybe I begin by letting the world love me – or rather letting myself be aware of being loved by everything around me.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/13/13
From a dream:
The mirror said I had dark hair with white tips, short hair. My left eye wouldn't open or close. I had contacts – iridescent gold.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/16/13
In the past, I have recognized other people – mostly men – as being forces of nature. They frightened me. They were unpredictable and powerful – like a tornado. I have not acknowledged myself as a force of nature. I have tried to contain that raw power and to be rational.
How do I acknowledge myself as a force of nature? How do I learn to allow my power to be expressed? My fear is that I will cause destruction. I am afraid of not being able to control myself – as I believe my father was not able to control himself. How can I trust myself to let go of control, having seen what that looked like for him.
I remind myself that the point isn't to get a list of things done, or to see how many things I can get done. The point is to live a meaningful life. My life is mine to create. Meaning is mine to find. I am more than I know myself to be.
I find it hard to focus on the big picture. I start working on what's in front of me, clearing underbrush when my goal is to cut a path through a jungle. There is a place for me, but right now I'm trapped within myself. All the blocks I experience are within me.
I really don't know what the big picture is yet, what my big picture is. That's what I'm exploring. I'm going to put together a new prosperity map. I want to dive deep to find meaningful and relevant images.
This is a journal entry from Monday 6/10/13
What is the big picture today? It always comes down to love, but I habitually forget about love.
Dragonfly keeps visiting me. My partner said they called them witch doctors when he was growing up because of their colors. I don't know what dragonfly has to say to me. When he visited yesterday, I struck on the dragonfly as symbol for transformation, and my story for the anthology being three transformations and how I concluded at the end of my story that my whole life is one continuous transformation. It really struck me.
My dreams last night included a crone who was an ally confronting something dangerous, a being of some kind. Something fearsome. I don't remember details.
The big picture is to get to know myself. How can I more fully express myself in the world? How can I let go of my fear of being known? Maybe it all comes down to knowing myself better and loving myself more fully. Maybe I begin by letting the world love me – or rather letting myself be aware of being loved by everything around me.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 6/13/13
From a dream:
The mirror said I had dark hair with white tips, short hair. My left eye wouldn't open or close. I had contacts – iridescent gold.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/16/13
In the past, I have recognized other people – mostly men – as being forces of nature. They frightened me. They were unpredictable and powerful – like a tornado. I have not acknowledged myself as a force of nature. I have tried to contain that raw power and to be rational.
How do I acknowledge myself as a force of nature? How do I learn to allow my power to be expressed? My fear is that I will cause destruction. I am afraid of not being able to control myself – as I believe my father was not able to control himself. How can I trust myself to let go of control, having seen what that looked like for him.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Preparing for SI Training
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/28/13
On Sunday night, I had sex with a young man I met online. He was full of erotic energy and he was fun to play with. All I did was reflect his heat.
Afterward, I went to a chain restaurant. At this restaurant, they serve many breakfast dishes with two slices of bacon and two sausage links. I didn't mention to the waiter that I wanted all bacon, which I do typically. He brought me all bacon without me having to tell him. I noticed this and was a little overwhelmed that the Universe would honor me this way.
I'm flying home to Texas right now. The stewardess just brought snacks around. It was Cheese Nips. That was a snack my grandmother got a taste for late in life. She didn't know if they were still being made and we didn't know what they were. The fact that the stewardess brought them makes me think my grandmother is present. Is she a part of my journey?
I had a dream about her after she died. The colors were intense and the world felt tight. We were outside her house. She was in a wheel chair with nubs where her hands should be and there was a worn divot on the arm rest where she had worn her fingers down. I believe she was released from her corporeal form by now, but I was worried about her then.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/30/13
It's been a long while since I've worked for money. I still feel busy. I'm racing with my slow reading to finish reading my book before the Sacred Intimacy Training in July. I'm about half way through. How long would it take if I was working a full time job? I've completed my DVD, but haven't moved forward on reproducing it or marketing it. I haven't had time for my Yoga of Sex class at all. I blame the reading assignment for the summer intensive.
I'm trying to go slow. I've been writing down memories of dreams, old and new. I'm ready to sink into my soul and find the gifts I have for the world. I focus on what is mine to do in this moment. I don't want to go back to work, but my money won't last forever. Soon I'll need to go to my savings.
It's hard not to lose track of the bigger picture that I want to expose. It's so easy to get lost in details. My goal is not to complete my Yoga of Sex lessons, read a book for an intensive, distribute a video, or anything like that. My goal is to wake myself up and stay awake until I die. My goal is to learn to laugh and speak from my heart. My goal is to cry and help others feel safe in crying. My goal is to let my heart break again and again so that I can love more perfectly.
This is a journal entry from Friday 5/31/13
I had a dream last night about trying to sell myself for sex. There was me and one other man. No one wanted me, but the other man found a client. I helped set up the privacy and music. I was disappointed no one wanted me.
It's big picture time. There are many little things to be done, but they are meaningless in the bigger context. There are too many little things to do. I like my armpits.
I can't see the big picture, at least not yet. I can see a need to let go of the way I have worked in the past. That is the way that keeps me obsessing about catching up, that tries to push me to get things done, but that creates clutter and half finished projects.
I want to simplify so that I can focus my energy. In thinking about this, I find myself thinking that I have a deep wellspring of energy. It's so much, that I typically need to dissipate it so that it doesn't overwhelm me. So I watch TV and avoid cleaning the clutter in my life. I feel tired so that I don't explode. If I didn't dissipate the energy in distractions, what would I be able to accomplish?
A key piece of the equation is my attitude. I want to find the fun in my life, the humor, the self-confidence. This is what I think of as power. If I could feel less threatened by people, if I would unleash my power – I could find a more fulfilling life. If I could relax.
On Sunday night, I had sex with a young man I met online. He was full of erotic energy and he was fun to play with. All I did was reflect his heat.
Afterward, I went to a chain restaurant. At this restaurant, they serve many breakfast dishes with two slices of bacon and two sausage links. I didn't mention to the waiter that I wanted all bacon, which I do typically. He brought me all bacon without me having to tell him. I noticed this and was a little overwhelmed that the Universe would honor me this way.
I'm flying home to Texas right now. The stewardess just brought snacks around. It was Cheese Nips. That was a snack my grandmother got a taste for late in life. She didn't know if they were still being made and we didn't know what they were. The fact that the stewardess brought them makes me think my grandmother is present. Is she a part of my journey?
I had a dream about her after she died. The colors were intense and the world felt tight. We were outside her house. She was in a wheel chair with nubs where her hands should be and there was a worn divot on the arm rest where she had worn her fingers down. I believe she was released from her corporeal form by now, but I was worried about her then.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/30/13
It's been a long while since I've worked for money. I still feel busy. I'm racing with my slow reading to finish reading my book before the Sacred Intimacy Training in July. I'm about half way through. How long would it take if I was working a full time job? I've completed my DVD, but haven't moved forward on reproducing it or marketing it. I haven't had time for my Yoga of Sex class at all. I blame the reading assignment for the summer intensive.
I'm trying to go slow. I've been writing down memories of dreams, old and new. I'm ready to sink into my soul and find the gifts I have for the world. I focus on what is mine to do in this moment. I don't want to go back to work, but my money won't last forever. Soon I'll need to go to my savings.
It's hard not to lose track of the bigger picture that I want to expose. It's so easy to get lost in details. My goal is not to complete my Yoga of Sex lessons, read a book for an intensive, distribute a video, or anything like that. My goal is to wake myself up and stay awake until I die. My goal is to learn to laugh and speak from my heart. My goal is to cry and help others feel safe in crying. My goal is to let my heart break again and again so that I can love more perfectly.
This is a journal entry from Friday 5/31/13
I had a dream last night about trying to sell myself for sex. There was me and one other man. No one wanted me, but the other man found a client. I helped set up the privacy and music. I was disappointed no one wanted me.
It's big picture time. There are many little things to be done, but they are meaningless in the bigger context. There are too many little things to do. I like my armpits.
I can't see the big picture, at least not yet. I can see a need to let go of the way I have worked in the past. That is the way that keeps me obsessing about catching up, that tries to push me to get things done, but that creates clutter and half finished projects.
I want to simplify so that I can focus my energy. In thinking about this, I find myself thinking that I have a deep wellspring of energy. It's so much, that I typically need to dissipate it so that it doesn't overwhelm me. So I watch TV and avoid cleaning the clutter in my life. I feel tired so that I don't explode. If I didn't dissipate the energy in distractions, what would I be able to accomplish?
A key piece of the equation is my attitude. I want to find the fun in my life, the humor, the self-confidence. This is what I think of as power. If I could feel less threatened by people, if I would unleash my power – I could find a more fulfilling life. If I could relax.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Loyal Soldier
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 5/15/13
The past few days have been busy. I've burned some copies of my DVD. I sent one to the model and one to Joseph Kramer. I've dried out the camping gear from the weekend's Naked Yoga camp-out. I've mowed the grass and balanced the pool chemicals. I've been running.
Now, I take a breath.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/16/13
When I had finished the main scenes for the DVD, I had planned recording one more scene that would tie everything together. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. It was something I needed to do, but didn't want to do, so I was stuck.
It was then I looked for what else I could do and became open to guidance. That's when I decided to put together some snippets and narration. It worked. It was the ideal solution, but I didn't notice while I was hung up on what I had to do.
So, what does that mean about my office? I don't want so much stuff. It's clutter. In the same way, I have a certain idea about what I need to do and I don't want to do it. There is a better way that I haven't found yet. If I let go of how I think it should be, what is possible?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/18/13
The book I'm reading (Soulcraft) makes the point that there's an aspect of myself that protected me as a child to help me remain hidden and safe. It's not that I feel there's something I'm hiding or that I don't feel comfortable telling people about myself, but that I'm still trying to stay hidden.
This is a journal entry from Monday 5/20/13
I had a dream this morning. I can only remember the last bit. It had to something to do with “you don't have to be a superhero to be a hero.” I remember closing the back of the Jeep with gear inside. It had something to do with saving lives.
I had another recognition before I got out of bed, but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe it had to do with the dream earlier. It was waking up to life. It was a feeling free to do what is important to me.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/21/13
The Soulcraft book talks about the Loyal Soldier sub-personality. It's the aspect that protected me from harm when I was growing up. I can recognize it as what keeps me from feeling I can express myself openly. My job now is to develop a relationship with him in that I can get him to release his grip on me.
I've also noticed the recurring theme of a dream where I'm trying to get home at the end of a vacation. It may be packing suitcases or trying to catch planes. Last night, I was in touch with my mortality again and think the dream about vacations ending is about death. We'll see.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 5/22/13
I'm thinking about authenticity. I never have to go back to the job that I quit. I can move into a field where I can be authentic. I don't know what that looks like yet.
I'm someplace where I don't feel safe being myself. I can feel my Loyal Soldier keeping me under wraps. There's nothing in particular I want to say that would get me in trouble. It's only a feeling of vigilance and guardedness. My defenses are up without my partner here to protect me.
The past few days have been busy. I've burned some copies of my DVD. I sent one to the model and one to Joseph Kramer. I've dried out the camping gear from the weekend's Naked Yoga camp-out. I've mowed the grass and balanced the pool chemicals. I've been running.
Now, I take a breath.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/16/13
When I had finished the main scenes for the DVD, I had planned recording one more scene that would tie everything together. I couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. It was something I needed to do, but didn't want to do, so I was stuck.
It was then I looked for what else I could do and became open to guidance. That's when I decided to put together some snippets and narration. It worked. It was the ideal solution, but I didn't notice while I was hung up on what I had to do.
So, what does that mean about my office? I don't want so much stuff. It's clutter. In the same way, I have a certain idea about what I need to do and I don't want to do it. There is a better way that I haven't found yet. If I let go of how I think it should be, what is possible?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/18/13
The book I'm reading (Soulcraft) makes the point that there's an aspect of myself that protected me as a child to help me remain hidden and safe. It's not that I feel there's something I'm hiding or that I don't feel comfortable telling people about myself, but that I'm still trying to stay hidden.
This is a journal entry from Monday 5/20/13
I had a dream this morning. I can only remember the last bit. It had to something to do with “you don't have to be a superhero to be a hero.” I remember closing the back of the Jeep with gear inside. It had something to do with saving lives.
I had another recognition before I got out of bed, but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe it had to do with the dream earlier. It was waking up to life. It was a feeling free to do what is important to me.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/21/13
The Soulcraft book talks about the Loyal Soldier sub-personality. It's the aspect that protected me from harm when I was growing up. I can recognize it as what keeps me from feeling I can express myself openly. My job now is to develop a relationship with him in that I can get him to release his grip on me.
I've also noticed the recurring theme of a dream where I'm trying to get home at the end of a vacation. It may be packing suitcases or trying to catch planes. Last night, I was in touch with my mortality again and think the dream about vacations ending is about death. We'll see.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 5/22/13
I'm thinking about authenticity. I never have to go back to the job that I quit. I can move into a field where I can be authentic. I don't know what that looks like yet.
I'm someplace where I don't feel safe being myself. I can feel my Loyal Soldier keeping me under wraps. There's nothing in particular I want to say that would get me in trouble. It's only a feeling of vigilance and guardedness. My defenses are up without my partner here to protect me.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Intentions and Callings
This is a journal entry from Monday 5/6/13
I know what needs to be done. Instead of stepping into my power, I've been focusing on tasks. I've still been pushed forward. I need to record the last scene for the DVD, but I have no confidence in it. I'm not in my power.
My job for today is to tap into my power, to surrender to my ideals. I give myself permission. How do I step into my power today?
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/7/13
My intention for Sacred Intimacy training... I am looking for more than just a sex class, but that would be a good start. I've left a full time job that pays well because I want to know what is possible for me.
I have had a sense of a more spiritual life, where I rely on God to support me and to be an agent of God. I imagined stepping out and being fully present in the moment. I imagined being so in tune with God that I could perform miracles, or what looked like miracles.
I am afraid to completely surrender to God because I don't know what will be asked of me and because I am afraid that I will have to give up everything.
My intention is to be acknowledged and respected in community, to learn to be less uptight.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/9/13
I'm waiting out a severe thunderstorm at a naked yoga retreat.
I'm thinking back to what I was reading in Soulcraft about the calling. I don't remember an event. I've been frustrated at work and considered just traveling across the country. I've been overwhelmed working for two massive companies. I haven't felt fulfilled. My life felt stuck. I'm not aware of any events that would give me clues about my next act, but I've chosen to leave my well paying job and search for my soul's purpose. So far, my story has been about getting away from work I don't like. Sacred Intimate is the only sign post I've found. I don't know what it means.
This is a journal entry from Friday 5/10/13
I'm going to take it step by step from the Soulcraft book. First, it asks about the fear.
So the fear... As I wrote that, someone walked up and started talking to me.
The fear is that I am being called to do more than I can do, that I will experience the pain of others and my heart will break. I'm afraid I will be swallowed up by the pain and anguish of those I would help. I believe everyone has the ability to perform the same miracles as Jesus. I'm afraid that too many people will come to me for healing and I will be sucked dry. I'm afraid I will be crushed by anguish.
When I feel this fear, it becomes a terror. Much of the time, I keep a distance from this emotion by focusing on the day to day details of life. Judging and fearing other people. I feel overwhelmed by the depths of their need, if I sense they need me.
Then Soulcraft says to describe the call itself in great detail. I don't recall when I first felt the call, but there must have been a time when I first thought about surrendering to serve God, as I believed him to be.
Actually, I remember sitting in the fraternity house and looking at a t-shirt from a party where everyone wrote on each other's shirts. I was in my room at the frat house sitting on the bed and I looked at the t-shirt. I was overwhelmed with a sense of meaninglessness. From that point, I tried to suppress that feeling. “I quit smoking once, but fuck that!” I quick fucking once, but smoke that!”
But when did I first sense the possibility of doing the work of God, when I realized if I totally trusted and followed him that I could do all the miracles he wanted through me? When did I first consider being a seeker? When did I become attracted to the thing that scared me the most?
I remember being at the end of the driveway cursing God for the emotional pain I felt. I remember dropping to my knee when a thunderbolt hit nearby. I remember the Bible story where Jesus tells a disciple to fish and finds a coin to pay taxes. I remember a moment of perfect clarity looking out the window at plants and trees in the Spring with the window open on the breeze. No thoughts. Perfect peace. I remember a taoist erotic massage where I realized that the universe was perfect – even the things that cause us pain is good in the overall totality of existence. Everything has a reason and the reason is good – in the end. I remember a cold cloudy drizzly December day when I was in knots of pain over a man I felt strongly about, when there was a tiny opening in the clouds and a warm shaft of sunlight came through the opening and warmed me and I smiled and the thought came that “misery is an option.” I remember the mountaintop experience I had at Dear Love where I recognized the feeling I was experiencing was the way it was supposed to be – more real than the “real world” I returned to.
The underlying theme is that the world is much bigger than I know or can know. The safety I feel with a regular job and health insurance and a place to live and food to eat is completely false. Most people today have a false sense of knowing what the truth is. The world is so much bigger than we know or can know.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/11/13
I wasn't in a good mood last night. It was wet and cold and I couldn't get comfortable by the fire. I've been focusing on my writing and reading and I've been hanging out with my tribe, but I feel tired. I don't feel like interacting, but this is my chance not to isolate.
I know what needs to be done. Instead of stepping into my power, I've been focusing on tasks. I've still been pushed forward. I need to record the last scene for the DVD, but I have no confidence in it. I'm not in my power.
My job for today is to tap into my power, to surrender to my ideals. I give myself permission. How do I step into my power today?
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/7/13
My intention for Sacred Intimacy training... I am looking for more than just a sex class, but that would be a good start. I've left a full time job that pays well because I want to know what is possible for me.
I have had a sense of a more spiritual life, where I rely on God to support me and to be an agent of God. I imagined stepping out and being fully present in the moment. I imagined being so in tune with God that I could perform miracles, or what looked like miracles.
I am afraid to completely surrender to God because I don't know what will be asked of me and because I am afraid that I will have to give up everything.
My intention is to be acknowledged and respected in community, to learn to be less uptight.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/9/13
I'm waiting out a severe thunderstorm at a naked yoga retreat.
I'm thinking back to what I was reading in Soulcraft about the calling. I don't remember an event. I've been frustrated at work and considered just traveling across the country. I've been overwhelmed working for two massive companies. I haven't felt fulfilled. My life felt stuck. I'm not aware of any events that would give me clues about my next act, but I've chosen to leave my well paying job and search for my soul's purpose. So far, my story has been about getting away from work I don't like. Sacred Intimate is the only sign post I've found. I don't know what it means.
This is a journal entry from Friday 5/10/13
I'm going to take it step by step from the Soulcraft book. First, it asks about the fear.
So the fear... As I wrote that, someone walked up and started talking to me.
The fear is that I am being called to do more than I can do, that I will experience the pain of others and my heart will break. I'm afraid I will be swallowed up by the pain and anguish of those I would help. I believe everyone has the ability to perform the same miracles as Jesus. I'm afraid that too many people will come to me for healing and I will be sucked dry. I'm afraid I will be crushed by anguish.
When I feel this fear, it becomes a terror. Much of the time, I keep a distance from this emotion by focusing on the day to day details of life. Judging and fearing other people. I feel overwhelmed by the depths of their need, if I sense they need me.
Then Soulcraft says to describe the call itself in great detail. I don't recall when I first felt the call, but there must have been a time when I first thought about surrendering to serve God, as I believed him to be.
Actually, I remember sitting in the fraternity house and looking at a t-shirt from a party where everyone wrote on each other's shirts. I was in my room at the frat house sitting on the bed and I looked at the t-shirt. I was overwhelmed with a sense of meaninglessness. From that point, I tried to suppress that feeling. “I quit smoking once, but fuck that!” I quick fucking once, but smoke that!”
But when did I first sense the possibility of doing the work of God, when I realized if I totally trusted and followed him that I could do all the miracles he wanted through me? When did I first consider being a seeker? When did I become attracted to the thing that scared me the most?
I remember being at the end of the driveway cursing God for the emotional pain I felt. I remember dropping to my knee when a thunderbolt hit nearby. I remember the Bible story where Jesus tells a disciple to fish and finds a coin to pay taxes. I remember a moment of perfect clarity looking out the window at plants and trees in the Spring with the window open on the breeze. No thoughts. Perfect peace. I remember a taoist erotic massage where I realized that the universe was perfect – even the things that cause us pain is good in the overall totality of existence. Everything has a reason and the reason is good – in the end. I remember a cold cloudy drizzly December day when I was in knots of pain over a man I felt strongly about, when there was a tiny opening in the clouds and a warm shaft of sunlight came through the opening and warmed me and I smiled and the thought came that “misery is an option.” I remember the mountaintop experience I had at Dear Love where I recognized the feeling I was experiencing was the way it was supposed to be – more real than the “real world” I returned to.
The underlying theme is that the world is much bigger than I know or can know. The safety I feel with a regular job and health insurance and a place to live and food to eat is completely false. Most people today have a false sense of knowing what the truth is. The world is so much bigger than we know or can know.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/11/13
I wasn't in a good mood last night. It was wet and cold and I couldn't get comfortable by the fire. I've been focusing on my writing and reading and I've been hanging out with my tribe, but I feel tired. I don't feel like interacting, but this is my chance not to isolate.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Soulcraft and My Calling
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/30/13
I'm thinking about my calling. In the past, I've thought about following my calling and been overwhelmed with dread. This hasn't been about doing anything in particular, but in following the path God has planned for me.
The Christian faith is based on the Son of God who most perfectly embodies God on Earth. His reward for following the light within him is to be crucified. It makes sense that following in Jesus's footsteps would mean to experience great personal suffering of the same kind. So I resist.
Just before I went to the mental institution (in 1990?), I became aware of myself as a child of God – awake on some deeper mystical level. I became afraid that people would come to me like the messiah and then hurt me when I couldn't help them.
More recently when I think about being a healer, it feels too big, too painful. I feel like a tiny speck, swallowed up. I don't feel strong enough. It's too much.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/2/13
None of this matters. It doesn't matter if I run or do Orgasmic Yoga this morning. Trying to decide what to do, to organize my day as a linear sequence of events is not important. It's not important.
What is important is recognizing myself as important. I am important. I don't like writing this down because I project that those who read it will think I'm saying that I'm more important than other people. I feel egocentric saying “I am important,” but I know I don't mean it that way. I'm just trying to overcome the feeling that I am not important, that I am less important than the people around me.
I am important and so are you. I feel an emotional charge.
This is a journal entry from Friday 5/3/13
The book I'm reading is describing a “call to adventure” like it's an event, but other parts of the book have been relatable even though I haven't had a specific time I felt my calling.
A few times over the past few years, I've felt a calling to be a healer. It feels overwhelming. It feels painful. I imagine surrendering to my higher good and all I see is pain and sacrifice, but I am still attracted to it. This work feels heart breaking. I only catch glimpses.
I like making men cry.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/4/13
Maybe I haven't received my calling yet. Maybe I'm afraid of it because I think it will mean pain.
In the example from Soulcraft, it wasn't about knowing immediately your life's mission, but about setting off to find what that mission is. It's about a direction to search. That very well could have been when I was unhappy at a company I worked for a few years ago and set off toward Sacred Intimacy at Dear Love of Comrades
This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/5/13
Who would I be if I wasn't trying? If I let myself be? Not focusing on what I need to do next or trying to figure out what I want to do?
I have been feeling down for a few days. I haven't felt motivated to work on the things I want to work on. I prefer to find ways to avoid it. I'm at a point where I could record the last video for the DVD, but I'm resisting it. My energy is off. I want to be at a higher place when I record this, but I'm full of self-doubt.
I'm thinking about my calling. In the past, I've thought about following my calling and been overwhelmed with dread. This hasn't been about doing anything in particular, but in following the path God has planned for me.
The Christian faith is based on the Son of God who most perfectly embodies God on Earth. His reward for following the light within him is to be crucified. It makes sense that following in Jesus's footsteps would mean to experience great personal suffering of the same kind. So I resist.
Just before I went to the mental institution (in 1990?), I became aware of myself as a child of God – awake on some deeper mystical level. I became afraid that people would come to me like the messiah and then hurt me when I couldn't help them.
More recently when I think about being a healer, it feels too big, too painful. I feel like a tiny speck, swallowed up. I don't feel strong enough. It's too much.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/2/13
None of this matters. It doesn't matter if I run or do Orgasmic Yoga this morning. Trying to decide what to do, to organize my day as a linear sequence of events is not important. It's not important.
What is important is recognizing myself as important. I am important. I don't like writing this down because I project that those who read it will think I'm saying that I'm more important than other people. I feel egocentric saying “I am important,” but I know I don't mean it that way. I'm just trying to overcome the feeling that I am not important, that I am less important than the people around me.
I am important and so are you. I feel an emotional charge.
This is a journal entry from Friday 5/3/13
The book I'm reading is describing a “call to adventure” like it's an event, but other parts of the book have been relatable even though I haven't had a specific time I felt my calling.
A few times over the past few years, I've felt a calling to be a healer. It feels overwhelming. It feels painful. I imagine surrendering to my higher good and all I see is pain and sacrifice, but I am still attracted to it. This work feels heart breaking. I only catch glimpses.
I like making men cry.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 5/4/13
Maybe I haven't received my calling yet. Maybe I'm afraid of it because I think it will mean pain.
In the example from Soulcraft, it wasn't about knowing immediately your life's mission, but about setting off to find what that mission is. It's about a direction to search. That very well could have been when I was unhappy at a company I worked for a few years ago and set off toward Sacred Intimacy at Dear Love of Comrades
This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/5/13
Who would I be if I wasn't trying? If I let myself be? Not focusing on what I need to do next or trying to figure out what I want to do?
I have been feeling down for a few days. I haven't felt motivated to work on the things I want to work on. I prefer to find ways to avoid it. I'm at a point where I could record the last video for the DVD, but I'm resisting it. My energy is off. I want to be at a higher place when I record this, but I'm full of self-doubt.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Adapting and Beginning
This is a journal entry from Monday 4/22/13
Having certain understandings about what I am doesn't make any difference if it doesn't help me overcome myself. On the one hand, I can see and understand that my experience of the world is within me – including everyone I come into contact with. If I still fear them, then what difference does it make?
I've learned many things. If someone reacts to me in a negative way, it has to do with them and not me. My reaction to their reaction is about me. I tend to expect negative reactions based on my snap judgments and assumptions. I've expected negative reactions even when I haven't seen any in a long time. And someone disagreeing with me is not a negative reaction in itself.
I've been to two men's retreats with the church and I've been fearful at each that I wouldn't be accepted, that I would be judged. Both times, I've ended up feeling generally accepted and got some healing from the negative masculine energy that harmed me growing up.
I want to overcome my fear of people. I want to be able to be authentic and express myself freely. I live in fear of being judged.
What I would like to do is do some affirmation and visualization work on my life. I've had trouble knowing what I really want, so the first thing I may want to do is work on knowing what I want.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/24/13
I'm working on my routine. How do I want to spend my day? I want to foster the feeling I had at the end of Dear Love, with a sense of sacred perfection in the universe.
I'm discovering how valuable community is. I've been looking for meaning in my life. At least part of that comes from having your very existence valued and affirmed in community. It's something to foster.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/25/13
It's hard sitting between jobs. I feel like I need to do something. I have plenty to do and am trying to avoid being rushed – or at least avoid rushing. At night I wonder if I've made a mistake and how long I can last.
It still feels like time is precious. Ho do I get everything done? How do I do anything?
What is my intention? I return to the mountaintop. I encounter the divine. I open myself to new habits. I take time to be outside and see the sky and hear the birds. I take time to touch myself intentionally, mindfully. I open myself to opening myself, to opening my heart.
When I was a young child, I had a nightmare. I don't remember all the details. I was a Mexican child in a house. Maybe my mother was there. It becomes a nightmare when someone dangerous and angry shows up. I don't remember if he was a monster, an intruder, or my father. I hid behind a wall and prayed for help. At the last minute, a red dot appeared and made the house disappear and I was left standing on gravel. I said “Gracious Señor.” Then I woke up.
This is a journal entry from Friday 4/26/13
For the next month, my priorities are the DVD, preparing for Sacred Intimacy Training, reading and working with Work Less, Make More, and working on my Yoga of Sex class. But I'm also going to be visiting my family for a couple of weeks. During that time, I won't be able to make progress on some activities, but I might make progress on others. So until the trip, I'm going to work on things that I can't work on during the trip. Primarily that's the DVD.
I'm going to review the three scenes I recorded and take some notes. Then I'll record one more scene where I explain the DVD and what I would like people to take away. I'll also record a tutorial on Erotic Massage Dancing. I'll be preparing to record these scenes during the next week and ask my partner to help me record the scenes next weekend. That sounds like a plan.
Today, I hope to do my orgasmic yoga session and go to the gym for a run. Then I can pack for the trip to the DC camp-out. I hope to do something so I can view my DVD scenes on my laptop so I can review it while I'm there.
Journal entries from Saturday and Sunday, 4/27/13 and 4/28/13
I wasn't able to post the journal entries here from 4/27 and 4/28 because of their adult nature. To take a look, visit my adult blog.
Having certain understandings about what I am doesn't make any difference if it doesn't help me overcome myself. On the one hand, I can see and understand that my experience of the world is within me – including everyone I come into contact with. If I still fear them, then what difference does it make?
I've learned many things. If someone reacts to me in a negative way, it has to do with them and not me. My reaction to their reaction is about me. I tend to expect negative reactions based on my snap judgments and assumptions. I've expected negative reactions even when I haven't seen any in a long time. And someone disagreeing with me is not a negative reaction in itself.
I've been to two men's retreats with the church and I've been fearful at each that I wouldn't be accepted, that I would be judged. Both times, I've ended up feeling generally accepted and got some healing from the negative masculine energy that harmed me growing up.
I want to overcome my fear of people. I want to be able to be authentic and express myself freely. I live in fear of being judged.
What I would like to do is do some affirmation and visualization work on my life. I've had trouble knowing what I really want, so the first thing I may want to do is work on knowing what I want.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/24/13
I'm working on my routine. How do I want to spend my day? I want to foster the feeling I had at the end of Dear Love, with a sense of sacred perfection in the universe.
I'm discovering how valuable community is. I've been looking for meaning in my life. At least part of that comes from having your very existence valued and affirmed in community. It's something to foster.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/25/13
It's hard sitting between jobs. I feel like I need to do something. I have plenty to do and am trying to avoid being rushed – or at least avoid rushing. At night I wonder if I've made a mistake and how long I can last.
It still feels like time is precious. Ho do I get everything done? How do I do anything?
What is my intention? I return to the mountaintop. I encounter the divine. I open myself to new habits. I take time to be outside and see the sky and hear the birds. I take time to touch myself intentionally, mindfully. I open myself to opening myself, to opening my heart.
When I was a young child, I had a nightmare. I don't remember all the details. I was a Mexican child in a house. Maybe my mother was there. It becomes a nightmare when someone dangerous and angry shows up. I don't remember if he was a monster, an intruder, or my father. I hid behind a wall and prayed for help. At the last minute, a red dot appeared and made the house disappear and I was left standing on gravel. I said “Gracious Señor.” Then I woke up.
This is a journal entry from Friday 4/26/13
For the next month, my priorities are the DVD, preparing for Sacred Intimacy Training, reading and working with Work Less, Make More, and working on my Yoga of Sex class. But I'm also going to be visiting my family for a couple of weeks. During that time, I won't be able to make progress on some activities, but I might make progress on others. So until the trip, I'm going to work on things that I can't work on during the trip. Primarily that's the DVD.
I'm going to review the three scenes I recorded and take some notes. Then I'll record one more scene where I explain the DVD and what I would like people to take away. I'll also record a tutorial on Erotic Massage Dancing. I'll be preparing to record these scenes during the next week and ask my partner to help me record the scenes next weekend. That sounds like a plan.
Today, I hope to do my orgasmic yoga session and go to the gym for a run. Then I can pack for the trip to the DC camp-out. I hope to do something so I can view my DVD scenes on my laptop so I can review it while I'm there.
Journal entries from Saturday and Sunday, 4/27/13 and 4/28/13
I wasn't able to post the journal entries here from 4/27 and 4/28 because of their adult nature. To take a look, visit my adult blog.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Setting My Own Priorities
I can't believe I haven't posted in such a long time. Leaving my old job hasn't given me as much free time as I'd like.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/9/13
After today, I have three more days working here. I want to be ecstatically happy, but I am nervous for a couple of reasons. Working here has given me a nearly continuous stream of frustration. It has driven my writing in this journal and has pushed me to reach for something else. Without that pressure, will I continue to make progress?
I'm nervous about living off my savings and am worried about getting a new job while unemployed and with a gap on my resume.
If I get used to a more leisurely pace of life, will I be able to adapt to working again when this is over?
It's going to take some time for me to release this pressure, to slow down and let go of the anxiety.
Alternatively, this is a chance to experience my reality. I've had plenty of ideas and desires before that have turned from concept to reality. I missed a chance to be in a video for Butt Machine Boys. When someone responds to my escort ads, I wonder if they're bashers or police. I have in my head that if I head off down a spiritual path, it will lead to trials and tribulation, pain. Why wouldn't it be miraculous and full of joy? Can I release the expectations altogether and trust the universe to do the right thing? Will I fly or will I crash?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/14/13
I want to unlock my potential. What can I do with that? It means flowing effortlessly. I'm attracted to the idea of sex work, but I don't believe I can do it for a living. I need some value add, so I focus on Sacred Intimacy and sexual healing.
Few people understand Sacred Intimacy, so I recognize that there is a need for education. I need to be able to communicate what I can offer as a Sacred Intimate.
I also want to build erotic community. Sex Is the great leveler. I've had sex with many men without even knowing their names, much less who they were. I can imagine two different personalities using sex to bridge their differences when disagreements arise.
This is a journal entry from Monday 4/15/13
I got a call last night about the anthology. They want another revision. It's hard to get past the review board with the sex and drugs. Since I am not working today, I have time to come up with a revision. I will try to rewrite it so that a young child could read it. That's apparently what they want.
One of my goals is to reach those who need this understanding where they are. The objections I hear are the same ones I wish to heal in the broader world. There's no common language. Communication is difficult. People are reading things into my story that I'm not saying. The complaints I hear tell me more about them than about my writing.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/16/13
What is my intention for Sacred Intimacy Training? Several years ago, I was becoming unhappy with my job as a software developer. My pay hit a wall. I was overwhelmed keeping up, much less improving my skills. I was more and more unhappy and depleted.
I wanted to find my passion, and that was sex. I've done photo shoots before and always wanted to do porn videos. Many years ago, I considered having sex for money. It was something I enjoyed. It It would be fun to make money doing it. I never found a way to do it safely. I didn't know how to find clients. I wasn't emotionally prepared.
So I decided I wanted to have an adult oriented career. I wanted to make and be in videos. I wanted to be a sex worker. Since I began exploring these ideas, my ideas have changed and I am more confused than ever. I don't think I have the body to do regular sex work and make a reasonable living. I believe that being a Sacred Intimate would give my brand more value. I'm exploring writing and making educational erotic videos. I see advocating for sexual freedom. I have turned the idea of a nonprofit contribution based service that could minister to those that need healing where erotic energy is the healing modality. There is such a deep need. I also want to work to bring an appreciation for eros to the modern world. At the moment, there is not really a good context for these conversations in the world of science - where mind take precedence over the body, or in religion where the body is considered tainted by original sin. In pop culture, sex means power for men and objectification for women. There is no place to see the innocence of sex or the sacredness of sex.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/17/13
My intention for this time away from work is to re-create the sense of life I had at the end of Dear Love. I want a way to live that in this world. I want to be able to be open.
I want to be outside more. I want a life that might be seen in a monastery, with exercises to grow the mind and body. I don't think I quit work because I was doing something I didn't want to do, but because I wasn't doing what I wanted to do.
I never had time to make videos, to study sex and spirit, to build community. The deck was stacked against me. I would become caught up at work. I stopped going to the gym. After my hospital visit, I wasn't even doing orgasmic yoga.
For the first time this week, I'm sitting outside to have my coffee. I'm looking for the balance of meditation, orgasmic yoga, and running this morning.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/18/13
I dropped the Jeep off for an oil change and regular maintenance this morning. I'm at the coffee shop. The housekeeper is cleaning today, so I need to stay away, but I'm not sure how long.
I don't feel like being here. It was cold and rainy today. My feet are a little wet and cold. I'm ready for a nap.
I'm thinking again about my intention for the Sacred Intimacy Training, but I'm still thinking of it in a broader sense. I'm trying to sense what my life could be if I stepped out of the context of my life today, if I was unlimited.
At this moment, my life is mine to live. I am empowered. When I came back from Dear Love, I found a new freedom. Now, I am looking for a different kind of freedom. I am looking for freedom from self doubt. I don't want to feel pressure to jump from one thing to the nest, but I also don't want to spend so much time weighing what I ought to do. The key may be taking time. Don't rush any task and take time between tasks. Then maybe it will be easier to act decisively without reservations.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/21/13
I went to the church's men's retreat this weekend. There was more one-on-one sharing than in the past. There was more encouragement to go deeper. It was like Body Electric without the erotic component. I'm still getting used to being around mostly straight men in these settings. I feel much safer in homoerotic contexts, but know that my presence enriches the experience of straight men.
“I rest in God.”
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/9/13
After today, I have three more days working here. I want to be ecstatically happy, but I am nervous for a couple of reasons. Working here has given me a nearly continuous stream of frustration. It has driven my writing in this journal and has pushed me to reach for something else. Without that pressure, will I continue to make progress?
I'm nervous about living off my savings and am worried about getting a new job while unemployed and with a gap on my resume.
If I get used to a more leisurely pace of life, will I be able to adapt to working again when this is over?
It's going to take some time for me to release this pressure, to slow down and let go of the anxiety.
Alternatively, this is a chance to experience my reality. I've had plenty of ideas and desires before that have turned from concept to reality. I missed a chance to be in a video for Butt Machine Boys. When someone responds to my escort ads, I wonder if they're bashers or police. I have in my head that if I head off down a spiritual path, it will lead to trials and tribulation, pain. Why wouldn't it be miraculous and full of joy? Can I release the expectations altogether and trust the universe to do the right thing? Will I fly or will I crash?
This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/14/13
I want to unlock my potential. What can I do with that? It means flowing effortlessly. I'm attracted to the idea of sex work, but I don't believe I can do it for a living. I need some value add, so I focus on Sacred Intimacy and sexual healing.
Few people understand Sacred Intimacy, so I recognize that there is a need for education. I need to be able to communicate what I can offer as a Sacred Intimate.
I also want to build erotic community. Sex Is the great leveler. I've had sex with many men without even knowing their names, much less who they were. I can imagine two different personalities using sex to bridge their differences when disagreements arise.
This is a journal entry from Monday 4/15/13
I got a call last night about the anthology. They want another revision. It's hard to get past the review board with the sex and drugs. Since I am not working today, I have time to come up with a revision. I will try to rewrite it so that a young child could read it. That's apparently what they want.
One of my goals is to reach those who need this understanding where they are. The objections I hear are the same ones I wish to heal in the broader world. There's no common language. Communication is difficult. People are reading things into my story that I'm not saying. The complaints I hear tell me more about them than about my writing.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 4/16/13
What is my intention for Sacred Intimacy Training? Several years ago, I was becoming unhappy with my job as a software developer. My pay hit a wall. I was overwhelmed keeping up, much less improving my skills. I was more and more unhappy and depleted.
I wanted to find my passion, and that was sex. I've done photo shoots before and always wanted to do porn videos. Many years ago, I considered having sex for money. It was something I enjoyed. It It would be fun to make money doing it. I never found a way to do it safely. I didn't know how to find clients. I wasn't emotionally prepared.
So I decided I wanted to have an adult oriented career. I wanted to make and be in videos. I wanted to be a sex worker. Since I began exploring these ideas, my ideas have changed and I am more confused than ever. I don't think I have the body to do regular sex work and make a reasonable living. I believe that being a Sacred Intimate would give my brand more value. I'm exploring writing and making educational erotic videos. I see advocating for sexual freedom. I have turned the idea of a nonprofit contribution based service that could minister to those that need healing where erotic energy is the healing modality. There is such a deep need. I also want to work to bring an appreciation for eros to the modern world. At the moment, there is not really a good context for these conversations in the world of science - where mind take precedence over the body, or in religion where the body is considered tainted by original sin. In pop culture, sex means power for men and objectification for women. There is no place to see the innocence of sex or the sacredness of sex.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 4/17/13
My intention for this time away from work is to re-create the sense of life I had at the end of Dear Love. I want a way to live that in this world. I want to be able to be open.
I want to be outside more. I want a life that might be seen in a monastery, with exercises to grow the mind and body. I don't think I quit work because I was doing something I didn't want to do, but because I wasn't doing what I wanted to do.
I never had time to make videos, to study sex and spirit, to build community. The deck was stacked against me. I would become caught up at work. I stopped going to the gym. After my hospital visit, I wasn't even doing orgasmic yoga.
For the first time this week, I'm sitting outside to have my coffee. I'm looking for the balance of meditation, orgasmic yoga, and running this morning.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 4/18/13
I dropped the Jeep off for an oil change and regular maintenance this morning. I'm at the coffee shop. The housekeeper is cleaning today, so I need to stay away, but I'm not sure how long.
I don't feel like being here. It was cold and rainy today. My feet are a little wet and cold. I'm ready for a nap.
I'm thinking again about my intention for the Sacred Intimacy Training, but I'm still thinking of it in a broader sense. I'm trying to sense what my life could be if I stepped out of the context of my life today, if I was unlimited.
At this moment, my life is mine to live. I am empowered. When I came back from Dear Love, I found a new freedom. Now, I am looking for a different kind of freedom. I am looking for freedom from self doubt. I don't want to feel pressure to jump from one thing to the nest, but I also don't want to spend so much time weighing what I ought to do. The key may be taking time. Don't rush any task and take time between tasks. Then maybe it will be easier to act decisively without reservations.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/21/13
I went to the church's men's retreat this weekend. There was more one-on-one sharing than in the past. There was more encouragement to go deeper. It was like Body Electric without the erotic component. I'm still getting used to being around mostly straight men in these settings. I feel much safer in homoerotic contexts, but know that my presence enriches the experience of straight men.
“I rest in God.”
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Resignation and It's Opposite
This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/30/13
I've been told to add more spirituality to the story for the anthology. I think they mean they want less sexuality. That's fine, but I'm not sure how to add more spirit. There's a continuum of comfort with sex. Some believe that any erotic pleasure is evil. Others believe it's OK on certain conditions. Very few actually incorporate it into their spirituality. I want to help people do that, but I have to meet them where they are.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/31/13
Today, I'm at a position again to choose to give my two weeks notice. It's as scary as ever. I don't feel the same animosity I've felt before toward the company and the income allows me to do things that I couldn't otherwise afford.
I have been planning and dreaming of this since November, when I was ready to storm out. I stuck with it and survived, but I have no real connection to the work. I'm not motivated to grow my software development skills. Work leaves me too tired at the end of the day to attend to the sexual healing services I want to provide.
This is a journal entry from Monday 4/1/13
I gave my resignation today. I have from now until the SI training to be fee and explore. In that time, I hope to know if I can support myself doing non-traditional work. Can I wear my utilikilt and nose ring? Can I be naked? Can I use technology? Can I advocate for alternate sexualities?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/6/13
I'm all in. I have one more week of work, then I'm free. I have a general map of the next few months. I'm going to rest for the first week. Resting includes sleep, exercise and orgasmic yoga. The first week is about self care. I hope to carry the lessons of the first week into the rest of my time off.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/7/13
The other day in therapy, I had a sense of freedom come over me. It was an awareness that I truly could do anything, take any action. It wasn't something I could put into works. It was much more profound than anything I could communicate. It was like an opening.
I've been told to add more spirituality to the story for the anthology. I think they mean they want less sexuality. That's fine, but I'm not sure how to add more spirit. There's a continuum of comfort with sex. Some believe that any erotic pleasure is evil. Others believe it's OK on certain conditions. Very few actually incorporate it into their spirituality. I want to help people do that, but I have to meet them where they are.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/31/13
Today, I'm at a position again to choose to give my two weeks notice. It's as scary as ever. I don't feel the same animosity I've felt before toward the company and the income allows me to do things that I couldn't otherwise afford.
I have been planning and dreaming of this since November, when I was ready to storm out. I stuck with it and survived, but I have no real connection to the work. I'm not motivated to grow my software development skills. Work leaves me too tired at the end of the day to attend to the sexual healing services I want to provide.
This is a journal entry from Monday 4/1/13
I gave my resignation today. I have from now until the SI training to be fee and explore. In that time, I hope to know if I can support myself doing non-traditional work. Can I wear my utilikilt and nose ring? Can I be naked? Can I use technology? Can I advocate for alternate sexualities?
This is a journal entry from Saturday 4/6/13
I'm all in. I have one more week of work, then I'm free. I have a general map of the next few months. I'm going to rest for the first week. Resting includes sleep, exercise and orgasmic yoga. The first week is about self care. I hope to carry the lessons of the first week into the rest of my time off.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 4/7/13
The other day in therapy, I had a sense of freedom come over me. It was an awareness that I truly could do anything, take any action. It wasn't something I could put into works. It was much more profound than anything I could communicate. It was like an opening.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Sabbatical Intentions
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 3/12/13
I'm working on planning my sabbatical. While I intend to do some exploration of my career desires, I want it to be active. I have no interest in sitting and wracking my brain. I want movement. In the end, I want to be able to generate ideas I can explore and then try out those ideas looking for a fit.
I recognize that I have to go all in for this to work. I want to be a sex educator and advocate, but I can't do that effectively unless people know me as a sex educator and advocate. I'm not willing to be known that way. I'm looking for that fine line of disclosure that I can share with people at church. When I can offer a sex class at church, then I will have found the balance I want.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/16/13
What do I want in this moment? Not some time in the future, but right now? I have everything I could want.
I want to cut my hair and shower. Then I want to go into the woods and touch myself.
I feel tired, but I want to live.
I'm working on planning my sabbatical. While I intend to do some exploration of my career desires, I want it to be active. I have no interest in sitting and wracking my brain. I want movement. In the end, I want to be able to generate ideas I can explore and then try out those ideas looking for a fit.
I recognize that I have to go all in for this to work. I want to be a sex educator and advocate, but I can't do that effectively unless people know me as a sex educator and advocate. I'm not willing to be known that way. I'm looking for that fine line of disclosure that I can share with people at church. When I can offer a sex class at church, then I will have found the balance I want.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/16/13
What do I want in this moment? Not some time in the future, but right now? I have everything I could want.
I want to cut my hair and shower. Then I want to go into the woods and touch myself.
I feel tired, but I want to live.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Listening and Healing
This is a journal entry from Sunday 2/24/13
I think I've been happy when I'm moving forward. When I'm not moving forward, I've felt trapped. I don't sense myself moving forward anymore. Am I in a rut? I'm angry at work again. I find it hard to be happy there.
If I am to live my life just for today, how does that change things? How do I live in the moment while moving forward? What do I want to be different?
Acceptance. I feel a need to accept what I feel. I'm tired of feeling tired, but I can't ignore it or force it to be different. I sense it's because I'm not honoring myself. I don't want to go to work. I want to go to class.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/26/13
What would it look like if I was alert and aware enough to harvest the fruits of life in my day to day existence? That might be too broad or vague. I'm actually thinking about how I would find money if I wasn't working for a living.
It would mean being alert to opportunities. It would mean making myself available for prosperity. Maybe I can give more if I'm not working for someone else. At work, so much of my time seems to be wasted running out the clock.
It comes back to finding out what I do well.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/28/13
I was about to start thinking about what I wanted to do later, but I want to focus on now and right now, I'm at work. My mind often turns to the future and what I might do sometime later. And I tend to lock up when thinking about what I should do now.
I've been neglecting my Orgasmic Yoga practice. This is something I need to do for myself. It generates the creative energy I need. I blame the recent health problems. I'm still tired. I'm sleeping in.
In thinking about moving forward, I want to get back to my Yoga of Sex class. It's the next accomplishment for me. Moving forward makes me feel better. Completing this training should lead up to something. Completing my bachelors degree lead to a new job. I'm still seeking my mission. I've recognized that I don't want to ask the question “How can I make money?” I want to ask “How can I serve? How can I help someone get what they want or need?” I want to anticipate the need.
I have technical skills. I have sex skills. I have organizational skills. I have problem solving skills. I have writing skills.
I expect one of my stories to be included in an upcoming anthology of transformational experiences that the church is going to publish. I want to pay more attention to my writing.
This is a journal entry from Friday 3/1/13
I must remember... I am empowered. I am free. I cannot be intimidated. I want to get in touch with that feeling. I can relax.
How do I foster that feeling? It feels like an active process and not an environmental one. It's actively acknowledging my power and discounting perceived limitations.
I'm influencing people. A couple of people have sent me emails. I can continue building the life I want. I can create the life I want, one where I'm not intimidated by angry managers. I desire and deserve respect.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/2/13
I'm not concerned with what I need to work on right now. I'm interested in the bigger picture, creating the life I want to live. I'm planning how to live after I quit work and begin my sabbatical. I'm looking for that piece of inspiration that lets me do the work I need to do today.
This is a journal entry from Monday 3/4/13
Progress is slow, but I don't want to rush anymore. I brought new colorful socks over the weekend and I made footprints on my coral foot fetish hanky. I practiced my Orgasmic Yoga and cleaned up the temple.
I haven't finished balancing the checkbook or doing taxes. It's hard to strike the right balance, treading water and moving forward.
I'm looking for a vision that will motivate me to continue moving forward. Do I need a vision quest? This is not something to use to beat myself up, or to fret over goal setting. It's purely motivational and limited only by my imagination.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/10/13
I can have the life I want. It doesn't have to be the life I think I should have or that I can have. It's difficult to know what I want, but there's no need to focus on what I don't want.
I want self-esteem. I want to confidently be myself. What does that look like? While I worry about income, feeling like I can't be myself leads to unhappiness. I don't know the source of that feeling. Many people know me as a Sacred Intimate. It may be that I don't know myself. Am I fully expressing myself to myself? Somehow in some way, I feel I haven't come out of my shell.
When I did my first intensive, it took me days to remember that I was in pain because of my partner's hearing and his sister's health. It was not in my awareness even though it was the biggest thing going on in my life. I'm not in touch with my pain today. It's coming out as frustration and bursts of anger. How do I come out of my shell? How do I connect with myself? How do I love myself?
As is often the case, when I quiet my mind, I don't hear the answer. I don't recognize my feelings. Attention silences them.
I feel like I can't be myself, but I don't know what being myself means. I have an image of who I think I am, but trying to be those images is not the same as being myself. I don't know how to do this. It means letting go of trying. It means allowing. It means getting out of my own way.
I think I've been happy when I'm moving forward. When I'm not moving forward, I've felt trapped. I don't sense myself moving forward anymore. Am I in a rut? I'm angry at work again. I find it hard to be happy there.
If I am to live my life just for today, how does that change things? How do I live in the moment while moving forward? What do I want to be different?
Acceptance. I feel a need to accept what I feel. I'm tired of feeling tired, but I can't ignore it or force it to be different. I sense it's because I'm not honoring myself. I don't want to go to work. I want to go to class.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/26/13
What would it look like if I was alert and aware enough to harvest the fruits of life in my day to day existence? That might be too broad or vague. I'm actually thinking about how I would find money if I wasn't working for a living.
It would mean being alert to opportunities. It would mean making myself available for prosperity. Maybe I can give more if I'm not working for someone else. At work, so much of my time seems to be wasted running out the clock.
It comes back to finding out what I do well.
This is a journal entry from Thursday 2/28/13
I was about to start thinking about what I wanted to do later, but I want to focus on now and right now, I'm at work. My mind often turns to the future and what I might do sometime later. And I tend to lock up when thinking about what I should do now.
I've been neglecting my Orgasmic Yoga practice. This is something I need to do for myself. It generates the creative energy I need. I blame the recent health problems. I'm still tired. I'm sleeping in.
In thinking about moving forward, I want to get back to my Yoga of Sex class. It's the next accomplishment for me. Moving forward makes me feel better. Completing this training should lead up to something. Completing my bachelors degree lead to a new job. I'm still seeking my mission. I've recognized that I don't want to ask the question “How can I make money?” I want to ask “How can I serve? How can I help someone get what they want or need?” I want to anticipate the need.
I have technical skills. I have sex skills. I have organizational skills. I have problem solving skills. I have writing skills.
I expect one of my stories to be included in an upcoming anthology of transformational experiences that the church is going to publish. I want to pay more attention to my writing.
This is a journal entry from Friday 3/1/13
I must remember... I am empowered. I am free. I cannot be intimidated. I want to get in touch with that feeling. I can relax.
How do I foster that feeling? It feels like an active process and not an environmental one. It's actively acknowledging my power and discounting perceived limitations.
I'm influencing people. A couple of people have sent me emails. I can continue building the life I want. I can create the life I want, one where I'm not intimidated by angry managers. I desire and deserve respect.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 3/2/13
I'm not concerned with what I need to work on right now. I'm interested in the bigger picture, creating the life I want to live. I'm planning how to live after I quit work and begin my sabbatical. I'm looking for that piece of inspiration that lets me do the work I need to do today.
This is a journal entry from Monday 3/4/13
Progress is slow, but I don't want to rush anymore. I brought new colorful socks over the weekend and I made footprints on my coral foot fetish hanky. I practiced my Orgasmic Yoga and cleaned up the temple.
I haven't finished balancing the checkbook or doing taxes. It's hard to strike the right balance, treading water and moving forward.
I'm looking for a vision that will motivate me to continue moving forward. Do I need a vision quest? This is not something to use to beat myself up, or to fret over goal setting. It's purely motivational and limited only by my imagination.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 3/10/13
I can have the life I want. It doesn't have to be the life I think I should have or that I can have. It's difficult to know what I want, but there's no need to focus on what I don't want.
I want self-esteem. I want to confidently be myself. What does that look like? While I worry about income, feeling like I can't be myself leads to unhappiness. I don't know the source of that feeling. Many people know me as a Sacred Intimate. It may be that I don't know myself. Am I fully expressing myself to myself? Somehow in some way, I feel I haven't come out of my shell.
When I did my first intensive, it took me days to remember that I was in pain because of my partner's hearing and his sister's health. It was not in my awareness even though it was the biggest thing going on in my life. I'm not in touch with my pain today. It's coming out as frustration and bursts of anger. How do I come out of my shell? How do I connect with myself? How do I love myself?
As is often the case, when I quiet my mind, I don't hear the answer. I don't recognize my feelings. Attention silences them.
I feel like I can't be myself, but I don't know what being myself means. I have an image of who I think I am, but trying to be those images is not the same as being myself. I don't know how to do this. It means letting go of trying. It means allowing. It means getting out of my own way.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Health Hurdles
Hi. I'm back. Sorry that I haven't posted in a while, but I've had some health issues to take care of. I appreicate your patience.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/1/13
I've been living with blinders on. I've been focusing on what I want to do and how I want my life to be. It often becomes what I need to do to do something different.
I Am here now. I Am worthy. I Am valuable. I Am loveable. I don't need to earn the privilege of living. I Am alive. I Am worthy of life. I Am worthy of wealth. I Am worthy of prosperity. I Am worthy of work that I love. There is no reason to be ashamed of who I am.
I now recognize that when I hide aspects of myself, when I don't feel comfortable being myself, I am feeling shame.
So, instead of focusing on where I want to go to eventually be free, I now need to begin being free now. Sometimes, I need to focus on what my feelings are instead of on what I'm thinking. It's time to begin feeling my way forward.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 1/5/13
I recognize that I haven't been nourishing myself very well. I am focused on work. I'm working at odd hours. There are two more weeks of this.
I feel a little overwhelmed because ideas are coming fast. I want to be an assistant to someone doing important work. A partner that I look up to as a mentor. I want to focus on creating the circumstances for my success. I want to plot my sabbatical. When I start one train of thought, another rises. It becomes rambling.
It's necessary.
If I detach yet again from convention, what do I need to be the man I would become? What do I see for myself in this moment?
It's really not about sex. It's not about porn. It's about honoring life. Can I allow others to be themselves when I resist their actions? When I can't see from their perspective? The problem, I think, is that I believe I understand their perspective and reject it. In truth, I can't understand anyone's perspective but my own. Language lies to us. Deeper truths are very difficult to communicate. We can speak them, but the other person will hear their own concept of what we say. With love, we get closer. With anger, we separate farther. We can start listening more closely with our hearts. I would guess this is a cornerstone for peace.
My goal for today is to become more relaxed and open to inspiration to find my power, my confidence. If I only had a word for the feeling I sense.
It comes back to the question: “If I didn't worry about money, how would I spend my time?”
This is a journal entry from Monday 1/7/13
I'm trying to control my emotions. There are uncomfortable emotions and I don't want to feel them. Right now, it's anxiety. In my head, I'm trying to find the thoughts that empower me and lessen the anxiety.
How can I learn to embrace my emotions? How do fear, anxiety and anger serve me? I spend enormous amounts of energy trying to suppress them.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 1/12/13
I Am what I Am. I Am worthy of life. I can be still, and listen. I Am here and now in this present eternal moment.
Realizing my authority has to do with eliminating the habit of being self critical. It means overcoming the feeling it's possible to slip up and make mistakes. It means overcoming the feeling that there are mistakes, overcoming the feeling that if I don't do something that I will be a failure.
Mistakes are good. If they weren't then we wouldn't make so many.
I don't have to drive myself. I don't need to push myself. No one's pushing the leaders of mega profitable corporations. If they are, those leaders have the power and authority to ignore them and remain true to themselves. I have that power and authority.
What is my objective for my sabbatical? To recharge. To reassess. To detach. Nothing I decide is written in stone.
The goal is to uncover a life I want to live, to uncover my authenticity, to hold true to my principles, to tell the truth about myself. To live my life as I would live it, as the man who I would be would live it.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/13/13
I'm not happy in my current job. It doesn't fit who I am. My goal is to find a better fit. But I don't want to be blind that I may fit in anywhere. Maybe it's not that my job is a bad fit, but maybe I'm not embracing the confidence to feel comfortable. It doesn't feel right.
The answer is simple, so obvious that I have trouble seeing it. Transcendence.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/22/13
I have had a tough time. Last week, I got really weak. It turned out I was bleeding. On Tuesday morning, they did an endoscopy thing down my throat. They called it cirrhosis of the liver. They were able to mostly stop the bleeding. I didn't test positive for hepatitis, so they said it was because of drinking. Alcohol was never my drug of choice. It didn't add up.
They did a liver biopsy before I left the hospital. I think that it showed that my liver was working OK. I suspect I'll be back to normal soon. It was a scary time. I still don't understand.
What's more amazing is how miraculous the medical technology was. I had a camera down my throat. They put bands around the spots where I was bleeding. It was amazing. How would this have unfolded a few years ago? Surgery? How invasive?
The nurses were the real healers. I was treated with such love and attention. I don't have a clue how they do that. I feel so weak in comparison. I am in awe of their strength.
I did fairly well, but touched on the terror I would feel if my life was coming to a close in the hospital. If things are going relatively well or if things are getting better, then the hospital isn't that bad. Some people are there in great pain, or do not anticipate leaving alive. Those are the things I wasn't able to process. Somehow the nurses are able to process this and still be present for their patients. I can't even fathom.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/27/13
I still want to quit work. My recent time in the hospital has only underscored that I'm not feeling true to myself. I need the time to investigate my feelings and to be aligned.
There's a sense of accepting something I don't want. I could see that as being necessary if I lacked the skills I needed to have the job of my choice, but I am highly skilled. I have the capacity to create the job I desire.
It's so difficult not to be rushed. There never seems time to investigate a subject completely. Just enough time to figure out the minimum to get by. It's time to take time.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/2/13
I'm writing a letter of resignation to give to my boss on Monday. I'm thinking of taking six and a half months off. I want to take the time to evaluate what I really want to do. I want to take control of my career instead of being swept along by it.
First, my cash reserves will take a big hit when I'd rather be saving money. At the same time, my hospital visit reminded me that my life needs to be lived now.
I think to myself that I won't be able to make what I'm making now if I work for myself. That thought keeps coming to mind. I don't know that it's true because I don't know what I'm capable of.
I feel like I accepted a job that was not for me. I'm doing work that doesn't move me and doesn't give me time to have meaning in my life. But I am afraid of losing income and insurance. I would like to find a job that allows me to live my life authentically. That means allowing time for my retreats and vacations. Six weeks per year. Work should not drain me so that I have energy to grow my brand outside of work.
I've got competition between my fear of quitting and my unhappiness at work. There's a difference between looking for a job that make me happy and looking for a job that doesn't make me unhappy. I don't like the idea of quitting without a job to take it's place, but I think it's needed. I've been between jobs before.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 2/6/13
(I caught the flu and picked up a fever on the night of Saturday January 27th)
My fever has broken, but I can't get myself to log in. I have zero interest in work. I've missed the opportunity to give my two weeks notice before SEE-in-the-Field., but it was difficult to justify taking such a long time on sabbatical. At the same time, I have zero interest in work.
I want more.
I can't ask what job would make me happy because that's not a valid question.
If I am fulfilled, what does my life look lie? There is confidence instead of stress. There is faith instead of fear. That may be the key. I feel defensive. How do I follow my heart? How do I accept events in my life? I am free to make mistakes in my life, because there really are no mistakes.
I don't want to waste my time at work anymore. What gift do I have for the world? Scratch that. I am a gift to this world. I am a conduit for Source.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/9/13
I'm taking a course called “Publishing your transformational story.” I still don't know what story to tell. I think they're focusing more on Unity church. I'm focused more on sex.
I want to find a way to talk about sex without triggering the judgments. I also want to tell a story of transformation. What transformation stories do I have?
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/12/13
Who am I? That seems like a fair question as I think about changing my life's course. I know I'm not who I thought I was a few years ago. Since then, I've found the freedom to wear dresses and do other things I didn't believe were me.
If I was who I thought I was, I might enjoy working for this company instead of feeling trapped. I've never felt trapped as long as I was moving forward, but I don't know where to go next. I want to do my own thing, not work for anyone else.
I am free. That's who I am.
The last few weeks have really shown that life is precious, that its a bad idea to waste it. It's also shown me nice insurance can be in health emergencies. It seemed like the right time to walk, but then I had the fever - maybe the flu.
I want to go to Sacred Intimacy Training and Burning Man, but what is my work? I don't want to get the priorities switched. I'm here to teach that sex is good. That I can be graphically sexual and have a deeply spiritual life. Is that my work?
I also imagine writing some software. Whatever I do involves slowing down enough to thoroughly enjoy it. No more rushing to get the next thing done. This is power.
What can I give? My heart.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/1/13
I've been living with blinders on. I've been focusing on what I want to do and how I want my life to be. It often becomes what I need to do to do something different.
I Am here now. I Am worthy. I Am valuable. I Am loveable. I don't need to earn the privilege of living. I Am alive. I Am worthy of life. I Am worthy of wealth. I Am worthy of prosperity. I Am worthy of work that I love. There is no reason to be ashamed of who I am.
I now recognize that when I hide aspects of myself, when I don't feel comfortable being myself, I am feeling shame.
So, instead of focusing on where I want to go to eventually be free, I now need to begin being free now. Sometimes, I need to focus on what my feelings are instead of on what I'm thinking. It's time to begin feeling my way forward.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 1/5/13
I recognize that I haven't been nourishing myself very well. I am focused on work. I'm working at odd hours. There are two more weeks of this.
I feel a little overwhelmed because ideas are coming fast. I want to be an assistant to someone doing important work. A partner that I look up to as a mentor. I want to focus on creating the circumstances for my success. I want to plot my sabbatical. When I start one train of thought, another rises. It becomes rambling.
It's necessary.
If I detach yet again from convention, what do I need to be the man I would become? What do I see for myself in this moment?
It's really not about sex. It's not about porn. It's about honoring life. Can I allow others to be themselves when I resist their actions? When I can't see from their perspective? The problem, I think, is that I believe I understand their perspective and reject it. In truth, I can't understand anyone's perspective but my own. Language lies to us. Deeper truths are very difficult to communicate. We can speak them, but the other person will hear their own concept of what we say. With love, we get closer. With anger, we separate farther. We can start listening more closely with our hearts. I would guess this is a cornerstone for peace.
My goal for today is to become more relaxed and open to inspiration to find my power, my confidence. If I only had a word for the feeling I sense.
It comes back to the question: “If I didn't worry about money, how would I spend my time?”
This is a journal entry from Monday 1/7/13
I'm trying to control my emotions. There are uncomfortable emotions and I don't want to feel them. Right now, it's anxiety. In my head, I'm trying to find the thoughts that empower me and lessen the anxiety.
How can I learn to embrace my emotions? How do fear, anxiety and anger serve me? I spend enormous amounts of energy trying to suppress them.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 1/12/13
I Am what I Am. I Am worthy of life. I can be still, and listen. I Am here and now in this present eternal moment.
Realizing my authority has to do with eliminating the habit of being self critical. It means overcoming the feeling it's possible to slip up and make mistakes. It means overcoming the feeling that there are mistakes, overcoming the feeling that if I don't do something that I will be a failure.
Mistakes are good. If they weren't then we wouldn't make so many.
I don't have to drive myself. I don't need to push myself. No one's pushing the leaders of mega profitable corporations. If they are, those leaders have the power and authority to ignore them and remain true to themselves. I have that power and authority.
What is my objective for my sabbatical? To recharge. To reassess. To detach. Nothing I decide is written in stone.
The goal is to uncover a life I want to live, to uncover my authenticity, to hold true to my principles, to tell the truth about myself. To live my life as I would live it, as the man who I would be would live it.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/13/13
I'm not happy in my current job. It doesn't fit who I am. My goal is to find a better fit. But I don't want to be blind that I may fit in anywhere. Maybe it's not that my job is a bad fit, but maybe I'm not embracing the confidence to feel comfortable. It doesn't feel right.
The answer is simple, so obvious that I have trouble seeing it. Transcendence.
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 1/22/13
I have had a tough time. Last week, I got really weak. It turned out I was bleeding. On Tuesday morning, they did an endoscopy thing down my throat. They called it cirrhosis of the liver. They were able to mostly stop the bleeding. I didn't test positive for hepatitis, so they said it was because of drinking. Alcohol was never my drug of choice. It didn't add up.
They did a liver biopsy before I left the hospital. I think that it showed that my liver was working OK. I suspect I'll be back to normal soon. It was a scary time. I still don't understand.
What's more amazing is how miraculous the medical technology was. I had a camera down my throat. They put bands around the spots where I was bleeding. It was amazing. How would this have unfolded a few years ago? Surgery? How invasive?
The nurses were the real healers. I was treated with such love and attention. I don't have a clue how they do that. I feel so weak in comparison. I am in awe of their strength.
I did fairly well, but touched on the terror I would feel if my life was coming to a close in the hospital. If things are going relatively well or if things are getting better, then the hospital isn't that bad. Some people are there in great pain, or do not anticipate leaving alive. Those are the things I wasn't able to process. Somehow the nurses are able to process this and still be present for their patients. I can't even fathom.
This is a journal entry from Sunday 1/27/13
I still want to quit work. My recent time in the hospital has only underscored that I'm not feeling true to myself. I need the time to investigate my feelings and to be aligned.
There's a sense of accepting something I don't want. I could see that as being necessary if I lacked the skills I needed to have the job of my choice, but I am highly skilled. I have the capacity to create the job I desire.
It's so difficult not to be rushed. There never seems time to investigate a subject completely. Just enough time to figure out the minimum to get by. It's time to take time.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/2/13
I'm writing a letter of resignation to give to my boss on Monday. I'm thinking of taking six and a half months off. I want to take the time to evaluate what I really want to do. I want to take control of my career instead of being swept along by it.
First, my cash reserves will take a big hit when I'd rather be saving money. At the same time, my hospital visit reminded me that my life needs to be lived now.
I think to myself that I won't be able to make what I'm making now if I work for myself. That thought keeps coming to mind. I don't know that it's true because I don't know what I'm capable of.
I feel like I accepted a job that was not for me. I'm doing work that doesn't move me and doesn't give me time to have meaning in my life. But I am afraid of losing income and insurance. I would like to find a job that allows me to live my life authentically. That means allowing time for my retreats and vacations. Six weeks per year. Work should not drain me so that I have energy to grow my brand outside of work.
I've got competition between my fear of quitting and my unhappiness at work. There's a difference between looking for a job that make me happy and looking for a job that doesn't make me unhappy. I don't like the idea of quitting without a job to take it's place, but I think it's needed. I've been between jobs before.
This is a journal entry from Wednesday 2/6/13
(I caught the flu and picked up a fever on the night of Saturday January 27th)
My fever has broken, but I can't get myself to log in. I have zero interest in work. I've missed the opportunity to give my two weeks notice before SEE-in-the-Field., but it was difficult to justify taking such a long time on sabbatical. At the same time, I have zero interest in work.
I want more.
I can't ask what job would make me happy because that's not a valid question.
If I am fulfilled, what does my life look lie? There is confidence instead of stress. There is faith instead of fear. That may be the key. I feel defensive. How do I follow my heart? How do I accept events in my life? I am free to make mistakes in my life, because there really are no mistakes.
I don't want to waste my time at work anymore. What gift do I have for the world? Scratch that. I am a gift to this world. I am a conduit for Source.
This is a journal entry from Saturday 2/9/13
I'm taking a course called “Publishing your transformational story.” I still don't know what story to tell. I think they're focusing more on Unity church. I'm focused more on sex.
I want to find a way to talk about sex without triggering the judgments. I also want to tell a story of transformation. What transformation stories do I have?
This is a journal entry from Tuesday 2/12/13
Who am I? That seems like a fair question as I think about changing my life's course. I know I'm not who I thought I was a few years ago. Since then, I've found the freedom to wear dresses and do other things I didn't believe were me.
If I was who I thought I was, I might enjoy working for this company instead of feeling trapped. I've never felt trapped as long as I was moving forward, but I don't know where to go next. I want to do my own thing, not work for anyone else.
I am free. That's who I am.
The last few weeks have really shown that life is precious, that its a bad idea to waste it. It's also shown me nice insurance can be in health emergencies. It seemed like the right time to walk, but then I had the fever - maybe the flu.
I want to go to Sacred Intimacy Training and Burning Man, but what is my work? I don't want to get the priorities switched. I'm here to teach that sex is good. That I can be graphically sexual and have a deeply spiritual life. Is that my work?
I also imagine writing some software. Whatever I do involves slowing down enough to thoroughly enjoy it. No more rushing to get the next thing done. This is power.
What can I give? My heart.
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