My Nemesis

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/23/2008

Time has always been my nemesis, I've never felt like there's enough time since I was very young. Whenever I pick up a task, I feel like I need to finish it as fast as possible - or just do the minimal necessary so that I can do a more thorough job later. But there's never any time later that I can use. So if there's no time to complete anything, why start?

This way of seeing things has made life very difficult. I procrastinate to put things off since I won't be able to complete them. I get very anxious trying to work on thought provoking resume questions because the answers aren't there instantly. It takes time to answer them and I don't have any time.

Why am I choosing this? What alternatives are there? Here are the thoughts to unravel:

• Don't do it now, do it later since there's no time for it right now.
• Do it later since there's not enough time right now.
• I've got other things I need to take care of.
• If anything takes more than a few minutes to do, then wait until there's some more time to work on it.
• If I don't have an instant solution, then it's hard to figure out.
• I've got so m any things to do that I'll never catch up.

What function do these beliefs serve? To motivate me to get things done? TO help me manage my time? To get the overview so that I can prioritize?

Why is there not enough time? If I quit work and stayed home to clean my office with no other obligations - would I be able to get my office cleaned and organized? I don't see why not.

There's not enough time because I have to work to make a living. But that leave me no time for living unless I find a way to do less.

I don't want to lose something I may want, so I keep more than I need. I keep putting things on my time credit cad hoping to pay for it later. Now I'm in time debt. The way to reduce this debt is to accomplish a task or to give up on it and let it go. I can have a positive cash (time) flow right now if I give up on everything.

Keeping myself aware of how much I have to do is an attempt at motivating myself. But it has the opposite effect.

I can find other ways to motivate myself, or maybe I don't need any motivation.

First Grade Indiscretion

This is a journal entry from Thursday 9/11/2008

I recall a dramatic shift in the way I relate to people in the first grade. Before that, I recall being open and unafraid of people in general. Sometime around that time, I learned to be afraid of people and their opinions and to try and hide as much as possible to escape attention. The unwanted negative attention may have started when I kissed a boy. We were friends and I liked him, so it seemed natural to me. But this was in a full classroom and everyone let me know that it wasn't acceptable, and he was no longer my friend.

So perhaps I learned that expressing myself openly and honestly lead to be ostracized and ridiculed. And being afraid to express myself meant not standing up for myself and so becoming the one the kids picked on.

After that, everything was hard because every action I take had to first be evaluated to make sure I would not be hurt so badly again. Controlling my emotions seemed like a necessary thing to do, which attracted me to Spock as a role model and science as a career objective.

What if that had never happened - or if I hadn't been hurt by it? Who would I be today?

It's very hard to remember what I was like then. I remember setting up the living room like a stage and being on stage - I don't remember if it was magic or singing or whatever.

What would life be like if I hadn't shut down in first grade - if I had held onto my nature? What would I need to do now to feel comfortable in bringing out the Rex Harley lifestyle?

At one point, I didn't fear people. I gave myself permission to completely be myself. I've longed for that freedom. How do I reunite with it? I have to give greater value to my opinion of myself than the opinions other people have of me. But I am very critical of myself now. I have learned to critique myself to be as inoffensive as possible. How do I turn off my self-judgment? Maybe all I can do is become aware of it when I do it, and remind myself that I am an innocent child of God, and remind myself that I can't actually harm anyone else by anything I say - that I'm not hateful and sometimes I have the right to be angry.

Maybe I can begin by forgiving myself for kissing that boy in first grade. Maybe I can recognize that I didn't harm anyone, that it was simply a sign of affection for someone I liked, that there was nothing sexual about it at all ever, and that I didn't have to take that burden on - the burden of ... what is it? Guilt? A fatal error in judgment? I had expressed the most authentic and uninhibited act, and it was harshly judged in my mind. If being myself could be so horribly painful and embarrassing - how could I ever trust myself again? That is the burden a little first grader took on - aging him and making him older than his physical age. It's one thing to feel threatened as a child and not knowing how to protect yourself. It's another thing not to be able to trust yourself. Oh - and I also accidentally flooded my classroom when the water was cut off and there was a fire drill. How could I ever trust myself indeed?

The fact is, no one in that classroom remembered that kiss the next day, except maybe the boy I kissed, because it was so unimportant to everyone except me.

Since then, every little gaff that anyone else would have shrugged off became an example of why I had to keep a tight lid. I didn't trust my emotions. When I saw Star Trek and the character of Spock - I saw an example of emotional control that I had to emulate. I learned not to laugh, and to control my emotions and to pursue logic and science and physics.

Moving Forward

This is a journal entry from Friday 9/5/2008

How will I feel empowered today?
Today, I take actions toward my future. I am not trapped because I am moving forward in the direction of my dreams. I have always felt empowered when I was moving forward toward a goal, regardless of the circumstances at any particular moment. So I can face my day today because I know this is only temporary and something better is on it's way.

I choose

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 9/2/2008

I choose. Today I have the freedom to make decisions and take actions. I am not trapped, but am absolutely free.

What to do? Career choices.

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/19/2008

What gifts do I want to share with others?

The biggest gift would be a sense of being safe in the world, that there is an intelligence and order to it. Unfortunately, it's a gift I f frequently lack. In the same vein, the gift of recognizing your own divinity and power and the knowledge of how to help yourself and others.

After that, I can only think to wonder what gifts I have to offer. I've spent most of my life learning to fix things - cars, computers, software.

Maybe there aren't any gifts that I want to share. Maybe I just want the resources to take care of myself and leave the world to it's own devices. I've felt afraid of unpredictable people so long.

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Continued on Wednesday 8/20/2008

It's the weird that I don't have a ready answer for these kind of questions. Where is my inner motivation? What do I want? I can't believe there's nothing that moves me.

When I was a child, and today, I was attracted to science fiction TV shows and movies. I've wanted to visit distant planets and use advanced technology. I enjoyed the idea that I knew how the technology worked. I liked that clever use of the technology could resolve problems.

I've also wanted to play roles of the characters who were the side kick. I want someone else to be the decision maker while I use my understanding of technology to solve problems and assist the hero.

TV and movie fantasies have been the primary way I've had of exploring my values and roles. Without them, I don't have any way to form a context for answering these questions.

• Science and Technology
• Technological Understanding
• Assistance/servicing

I need to do some fiction writing to explore my values.

I see a new tie-in. People often consider science and religion to be at odds. But it could be that the reason itself is a spiritual gift, and that gift gives rise to science. So science has religion and spirituality as its base and belief could be a driving force of new scientific discoveries - as it has been in the past.

Preparing to prepare a new resume

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/10/2008

Now that I have an idea about what I want to do, I get back to the problem about how to do it. I go back to work tomorrow, but I haven't had time to start the process on getting a new resume. The office is still cluttered. My in box is full. There's no time to take care of all of this. I don't have any method I can use to get out of this job. I'll go back to being overwhelmed at work and having no time to free myself. There must be something I can do.

The problem, if it is a problem, can be solved. Others have probably already solved it. First I need to understand it, then I can find out if it has been solved. First, it feels like there's too much to do and too little time to do it. Second, attempting to do everything that I think I need to leaves me feeling too tired to do all that I want to do. The solution involves doing what I want to do and not giving attention to the idea of not having enough time. It also involves letting go of unnecessary tasks and having someone else do it for me. Another part of the solution is to learn to look at the problem in new ways.

It won't simply be letting go of my anxiety about getting things done. That must be balanced against a framework that lets me move in the direction I choose at a rate that is comfortable.

A part of the problem is that I attempt to use anxiety as a motiving factor, which depletes my energy reserve. So part of the solution is to find other motivating factors that work while preserving my emotional energy.

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God is love.
Being every negative feeling is a challenge to remind us we are divine and above the circumstances.
Love allows me to see clarly.

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I'm looking at the career strategy workshop papers. Now I begin to think I should take more time to decide my next career move. While I made some progress during my vacation, I didn't get around to working on the values questions. I don't think I have all the answers I need when talking to someone about my resume.

At the same time, I'm ready to be off to a new company - even if it means taking a pay cut. Working as a contractor for a while would give me an opportunity to work at promoting myself - self marketing.

So I need to finish the values/interview quesetions quickly so that I can get my resume re-written and move on.

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I've got the problem and solution space defined. Can I write a software program that can give me my "next task" without involving my emotions? That's kind a neat idea. Id I rate things according to priority and time requirements, I can take my ego out of the equation and work on things with less anxiety. After a while, maybe I'll learn that it doesn't matter what I decide to do next. Everything important gets done.

Keys to action - for me

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/9/2008

I feel like I'm about to burst. Maybe it's the fever I've had for several days. There is so much to be done. There is a small part of me that believes it can be done.

So there are some keys. First is to let go of the inner resistance. I've never mastered this in the past. If I do the work, it will not take very long to do. If I resist, it grows exponentially.

The second key is to limit the time I have to act without inner resistance.

The third key is to preserve some time daily when there is nothing to do except to exist. Perhaps this is the first key?

Anxiety still throws me for a loop. Since I can't escape it, I'd like to learn how I can use it to my advantage - maybe as a motivating factor.

Career Objectives and Rex Harley

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 8/6/2008

Last day of the trip.

I think I have a way forward on growing my prosperity. I plan on taking a contracting job and taking time to build resources to do freelance work and work on the Rex Harley business. I'm very paranoid about this because I've always been afraid of not being able to make ends meet and winding up on the street.

This would be easier if I didn't have HIV and taking expensive medicines to keep it at bay.

So for the reaming time, I need career objectives and a direction for Rex Harley

A New Course

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 8/5/2008

If only there was some way to allow myself to believe that I didn't have to go back to work and that I could live this way for as long as I liked. Ahhh,... to take as much time as I needed.

The last journal entry helped me quantify the ideas that were floating around. It sounds like the best course of action would be to purse the idea of working for a contracting company. The ideal would be that I could continue growing Rex Harley while looking for work or between assignments. That also part of growing Rex Harley involves setting up a work environment where I could do freelance work instead.

• Figure out insurance
• Rewrite resume
• Find contracting company
• Apply
• Leave current employer once hired
• Setup work environment
• Develop Rex Harley brand

The important thing is to find my passion. I've been missing that because of the confusion about what course I should take.

And also, if I prioritize tasks, I can't become so single minded that the less important things go unhandled. Some things are less important so long as they are taken care of, but become a crisis if they aren't.

Career Options

This is a journal entry from Monday 8/4/2008

Option 1. Continuing with my current employer and finding ways to grow there.

• This option isn't really an option. I chose long ago to leave any company after five years. I've been with the same company for eight - although it's fundamentally changed during that time since it was bought out.
• It's time to move on.

Option 2. Finding a new forty hour per week job as a Java developer.

• This would be the most comfortable thing to do. I would continue to have health insurance and a predictable income.
• On the plus side, I'm familiar with this kind of work. I could learn a new industry.
• On the minus side, I'm still working for someone else. I won't have control over what I do. My income will be limited.

Option 3. Working for a contracting company.

• This sounds like a good fit - if there was work to do. There could be months without work to work on other projects - or to go through my savings. It's more unstable - and possibly more competitive.
• Pluses: I could work with technologies and maybe industries that I'm already familiar with. I could earn more money.
• Minuses: I might not find work for a long time or I might not find work often enough to be able to grow my savings for retirement. I would - maybe - need to be self-insured.
  Research: How do contractors insure themselves? Through their companies? Or self-insurance?

Option 4. Doing freelance work as a Java developer or with web technology.

• This sounds like fun. It would give me alot of freedom to choose how to live, and I could take work in areas where I want to grow.
• Pluses: Control. Great growth potential. Possible decent income.
• Minuses: Self-insurance. Marketing required to find work. There would be a delay while I set up my work environment and familiarized myself with more technology. I might not find work. I might not earn enough to support myself or to save for retirement in the near future.

Option 5, Continuing working with the Rex Harley website and domain until it's profitable.

• This wouldn't be feasible until it becomes profitable. Even if I develop much more time to this, it wouldn't mean an income that I could live on. This is something to grow over time.
• Pluses: Complete control. Opportunity to grow and learn whatever I choose.
• Minuses: No near term income. Possibly never enough to support grow a nest egg. Could require significant effort to make it a profitable business.

Option 6, Finding something I can sell on the Internet - a muse company.

• I don't know how likely this is. Technically I already have a product called Rex Harley that I'm selling. Timothy Ferris wrote in "The 4-Hour Workweek" took a different approach, but this is his take on how he would do it if he had to do it over.

Course Correction

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/3/2008

So what options do I see? Continuing with my current employer and finding ways to grow there? Finding a new 40 hour per week job as a Java developer? Being a contractor with a contracting company? Doing freelance work as a Java developer, or web technology? Continue working with the Rex Harley website and domain until it is profitable? Finding something that can be sold on the Internet - a muse company? Do I want to work less so that I can live more? Or do I simply want a new job where I am my own boss? Can I earn an income from my life's work?

One thing is that I don't want to look at it through the lens of my current job. Right now, I just want to be away and to sleep and relax and not worry about anything. I wouldn't want that in the long run. I want to feel useful. But it might be nice to feel useful while working fewer hours, without feeling constantly stressed, or that I'm stressed beyond my abilities. I want to a creative, non-repetitive job that I am capable of doing that leaves me time to pursue other interests.

Eternal Life

This is a journal entry from Sunday 8/3/2008


Again in the book "In the flow of life," Butterworth says about reincarnation "...there is that of you that is more than your body, and the you that transcends the body, the eternal, ever-living soul of you has woven the body temple and is the sustaining influence of it."

I like the idea of having an eternal spirit, but if you will always live, then it stands to reason that you always have lived. That would be the definition of eternal. I think the last entry mentioned this concept of the focusing of awareness on consciousness actually creates the body that we use to experience the world.

Then this body is literally a creation of ourselves, and while the body may die, we will continue. And this idea doesn't need a physical heaven.

In fact, there is no proof that we don't simply cease to exist when we die.

But the fact that this little chunk of the universe can be aware of the universe at all shows that there is more to the universe than what we can see. There is also that which is aware of what we see. That which contains a mirror of the universe that surrounds it. Even if it's simply a side effect of a complex brain, it is significant. Whatever it is within this body that is aware is also spread throughout the universe. If I am aware, then by definition the universe itself is aware.

Design for Growth

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/2/2008

I want to take time to design my life, but I don't want to limit my lift to my design. I want to be open and teachable. I want to continue to grow. Whatever I design, it should incorporate the opportunity for spontaneous experience and action.

Cosmic Flow Manifesting

This is a journal entry from Saturday 8/2/2008

I've got a few more thoughts about the book I was reading "In the flow of life" by Eric Butterworth.

He says "You are an integral part of the universe, where each part contains within it all the elements of the whole." This is in the chapter called "Life, Death, and Rebirth." So I can apply my earlier concept of my experience of the universe lying within me while I'm simultaneously in the universe. It's the oneness of inside/outside coexistence.

At first I read this and thought it was talking about the holographic view of the universe where every part of the universe contains the whole universe, or at least one perspective of it. Now I'm not sure. I think that it implies that my existence is not limited to the three dimensional space of my body, that I am in fact the whole of the universe expressing as me.In that case, it's different than the inside/outside unification. Maybe it's the outside/inside unification. If I experience the universe within me, then the universe experiences me outside the universe??? There is no "outside of the universe." Try "inside the universe/outside of me.

There is a simpler way:
I experience the universe through my senses and I act on the universe through my actions. Simple enough.

The issue is that I am not a static sphere. As I interact and modify the universe within me, I also do it in the universe. Plus I am part of the universe so if the universe were to say "I am the universe," then it could say so from any of it's parts, including me.

The point being that the hunk of the universe that exists where I am (me) has access to all the powers of the universe. It also is part of the continuity of the whole of the universe. The whole of the universe, including the part that is me, is expressing itself through the part of the universe that is me. So I can no more die than can the universe.

So the idea then is that this focusing of attention on my existence in the universe is who I am. So if my physical body ceases to live, then this attention focus will create a new body to experience the universe.

So I am the flowing forth of the universe into itself - creating my physical body to experience the universe. And if my physical form ceases, the universal flow that is me can create a new body. But the important thing is to focus on what it means to be the flowing forth of the universe into itself.

A balance between the individual and the common good

This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/20/2008

I begin by recognizing there is a way for me to be happy an to enjoy my day from start to finish and to accomplish all the things that are important to me.

It is important for me to take time each morning to relax into my day. I can't dictate how much time this will take. It could be five minutes or five hours. It's the time I take to align my mind with the reality of God's good. That I am sufficient to meet the challenges of the day. I have the sense that it will be time consuming until I learn how to shift my consciousness more easily and let go of some things that I currently hold onto.

After this?
I miss working out at the gym. I want to get back to body building.
I also want to find an alternative income stream.
I also want to learn to live my life's purpose. Or purposes. I need meaning and want my life to have meaning.
I want to leave my current employer sooner than later. How long until Rex Harley is profitable? How long for another muse company to take up the slack? If I take another job in the meantime, what would it be? What skills do I have that I can improve on that Rex Harley will require.
I begin with the end in mind. A clothing optional resort. Workshops on sexuality and tantra. Video shoots. Nudity. Men. Spirituality. Sharing love. Honoring the masculine through sexual freedom.

Before that - spiritual direction, a muscular masculine body, sharing sexuality, sharing a vision of spiritual sexuality. The bridge.

I've spent my whole life learning physics and computer programming. Somehow this is part of the picture. How does this tie with spirituality or sexuality? What does it mean that I still want to each myself physics and celestial mechanics? That I believe the key to long term survival for mankind and life on Earth is colonizing space? That a key to all of this is the evolution of human consciousness.

So much effort is spent enforcing morality and consuming resources that could be spent living in equilibrium and elevating all mankind. Ultra conservatives are spending millions trying to outlaw gay marriage in California that could be spent helping the less fortunate find the resources and insight to sustain themselves.

What is my part in this drama? To simply trust that God has given me all that I require to sustain myself, and to live in harmony with life on Earth. How can I produce more than I consume? First, I can consume less. Second, What can I produce? Freedom. Freedom from guilt. Self acceptance. Sexual openness. A vision. A balance between the individual and the common good.

Individual freedom is most effective when it is exercised for the greater good. Both socialists and capitalists miss the point.

How will I serve the greater good? By experiencing sexual pleasure and release. By helping the many men who have homosexual feelings - and feel they are wrong, that they must remain hidden at all costs - become comfortable with them and embrace them. By openly expressing these feelings without shame, openly for all willing adults to see.

Procrastination

This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/17/2008

I have plenty of time to get things done, if I were to actually do them. I tend to avoid doing things and dread doing them. Like the past week or two at work. I've been working on a design for some changes to the application. But I've been avoiding it as much as possible. I don't know if it's because it's boring or because I'm afraid of exposing my ignorance. It's possibly the latter. I also avoid talking to people as much as possible. Do all my current concerns come from a fear of people and of failure?

I'm also curious if part of the reason I avoid getting things done is because I sense there's something more important that should be done first - but not being able to decide. I seem to have been doing better since I started taking time in the morning to just sit. Sometimes I focus on God. Sometimes I just go with the stream of consciousness. This is probably one of those "more important things" that I don't have time for.

I still have the sensation that if I would quit dawdling, there would be plenty of time. That the time crunch is coming from procrastination.

But maybe the procrastination is the only thing keeping me from being busy all of the time. Maybe if I started taking more time for myself, I would have less need to procrastinate.

So I want to move from procrastinating to consciously taking more time for myself, and overcoming my fear of other people. It's not so much fear of failure, but fear of being uncovered as a fraud.

Choosing Career Goals

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 7/15/2008

I don't need to decide my career objectives right now. What is important is coming up with a plan. I may wait until the South Padre trip to reflect.

I am an eternal being.

At the crux are two things. Finding a traditional job where I work 40+ hours per week - preferably doing something that I love. Or doing freelance and contract work. I can't really pursue doing both at once.

I would really like to make a break with my current employer as soon as possible. I don't believe that I will be in a position to do freelance work until I've built an infrastructure. That implies that I should take a regular job and build up my infrastructure - moving to freelance work in the future.

My present employer is sucking the life out of me, but taking another job isn't my career goal.

Doing independent work and putting together a low maintenance muse company are in my career goals. Why pursue something that isn't my actual goal? Because I want to escape my present employer and continue to have an income while developing my own personal business.

If that's the case, I should do something that will reflect (and get me experience in doing) the independent work that I want. So it comes back to defining what that is.

It would make sense to leverage what I already do well and branch out from there. Java Development.

Career Goals and Job Search

This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/13/2008

I began looking at the job search websites yesterday. I want to hire someone to write my resume. But I got stopped. I began wondering what my career goals were because that's one of the things you discuss with someone who writes or helps in writing your resume. It's important to match your resume to the job you want. I realized that I didn't know what my career goals were.

I've been working on the Rex Harley business, but it's not the ideal for me. I don't want to make a living as a porn star, I just want to be able to have that experience. If I have to have a 9-5 job, it might be fun in the adult industry, but what I'm looking for is to be able to lead the kind of life that I want.

I want to have time bodybuilding at the gym. I want to make love to my partner. I want to be able to relax by our pool. I want to have money to make donations and to live on. I've begun thinking about working for a few hours a day doing web development from home - or programming. But I'm writing a resume for a 9-5 job. What do I literally want to do?

Before I begin a job search, I need to know what kind of job I want.

A Way Out Exists

This is a journal entry from Thursday 7/10/2008

I'm changing my thinking. I just thought about how I could walk out of work right now - or submit a resignation. But then I thought how I couldn't because I didn't have a backup income source. Then I recognized that I could find a way out. It feels like this is the first time that I started looking at my situation as a problem that could be solved. I can find a fall back job/income.

Now I think, "... in fact, it's guaranteed." I will find the alternate job/income and I will leave this place in the near future.

Whacky Time Management.

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7/9/2008

I've been feeling wacky lately. I've been putting so much emphasis on trying to relax and go with the flow that I feel really tense from trying so hard. Maybe I'm making progress. The worries about income [...] become more forceful when I try to focus on nicer things.

It's uncomfortable because I'm recognizing that I need to choose my priorities. I can be to work by 9 AM, or I can spend time on the website, or I can clean the pool, or I can relax. There isn't enough time to do everything. Realizing there isn't enough time is the first step in choosing what is important and what to let go of. Once I find balance with that, I can add more things that I enjoy and that are important to me.

Annual Review and Moving On

This is a journal entry from Sunday 7/6/2008

I've been to church and had a 90 minute massage. I was hoping that would detach me enough that I could get a clearer vision of my life's direction. I still feel the tension in the back of my neck.

I choose. I decide. There is no one else responsible for making decisions for me. I am free. I am the flowing forth of God expressing as me. I open myself to let God flow through me.

It's annual review time at work. I shouldn't care about it. I want to quit anyway. But I'm trying to answer the questionnaire in such a way as I can get the promotion that I didn't get last year. It wouldn't impact my decision to leave. but it would make me feel better. I want to present an airtight case, but I hate this company so much.

I'm not in the flow. I'm tense and filled with anxiety. It's time to chill and find the state of mind where I am aware of my power. The light of God surrounds me - I am filled with the ability to perceive correctly. When I see clearly, I make good decisions. I am guided in making wise choices. I can't fail.

I feel tired. It's the feeling of being overwhelmed, of not having a choice, of being trapped. I am free to choose.

I am concerned. [...] I am spending money faster than I'm making it. I'm not enjoying my job. Rex Harley's not making any money. The adult industry couldn't be any more noble than any other industry and is more likely to be corrupt. So right now, nothing seems to be working the way that I want.

I let the light of God flow through me. God makes everything new.

80/20 Analysis

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/29/2008

As far as the 80/20 analysis for this week, from the 4-Hour Workweek "If you had a heart attack and had to work two hours per day, what would you do?"

In thinking about this, I immediately jump to the conclusion that I would spend the two hours being frustrated without more time. I can see being very spun up and inefficient trying to rush to get things done fast.

But the goal of the question is to find out those things that you can't live without. I also overanalyze it. Is that the only time I have to shower? That's not it. I have to look at it in different areas. Work. Rex Harley. Home.

At work - it depends on what tasks are at at any given time. Usually it's straightforward. Fix this defect. Design this functionality. Whatever. It would help to know what tasks I do.

Taking Charge

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/29/2008

I'm hooked on the idea of taking charge and taking responsibility. I have a sense that I tend to think in terms of what I need to do. I tend to think I don't have a choice. I get trapped. That can make me feel tired and angry. But I get to choose. No one is checking my work or grading me.

Whatever I choose, I have the right to choose. If I plan to do two or more things, and I end up choosing to do none of those things and choose to do something completely different - that's perfectly OK. I don't need to be disappointed with myself. I don't need to judge. It's absolutely perfect.

Morning Priorities

This is a journal entry from Friday 6/27/2008

My latest dilemma is my morning schedule. I've been taking more time to get in the flow when I wake up and not rushing so that I have some time to feel relaxed. But even before that I would be working on Rex Harley and getting ready for work and getting to work late. How can I have a calm relaxing spiritual morning, get some Rex Harley work done, and still get to work early? It's probably not possible to do it all. Maybe the point is to figure out what's important and set priorities appropriately.

There is no right or wrong choice to make. I can get ready for work now and be there earlier, or work on Rex Harley and be there later. It's my choice to make. Either way is OK, but it's better to choose quickly and not agonize over the decision.

Mastermind Group

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 6/25/2008

I'm beginning to think about my support group. I would like a spiritual mentor, a business mentor, and one or more emotional supporters. Maybe someone good with relationships. I'd like to read up again on how Mastermind groups work.

There are two people I can think of with a spiritual leaning that also believe in the union of spirituality with sexuality. If I'd like to put together an email to chat, what would I want to say?

Hi,

I hope all is well with you. Things with me are going well.

I want to start a Mastermind group. I'd like to find some friends who believe as I do that sexuality and spirituality can co-exist. I need help in keeping focused on my life goals and to lend me emotional support when times are tough. I'd like to get feedback and ideas on my business.

I'd like to have a spiritual mentor, a business mentor, a relationship mentor and others who can be my support group. I was thinking you would be a good candidate for the spiritual mentor.

In exchange, I would be more than willing to be part of your support group unless you'd prefer something more or less serious. Even if you're not interested, I'd love to get together every now and then for coffee and to catch up.

Maybe I should be less formal and ask these guys out for coffee. :)

80/20 Analysis

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/22/2008

I'm trying to do an 80/20 analysis and I'm getting stuck. The deal is that 80% of your results come from 20% of your efforts. And 80% of your problems come from 20%. So I'm trying to find out what 20% I need to do and what 20% I should avoid. But I'm not aware enough of what I'm doing.

• I've been browsing the web to avoid work.
• I check my email more often than I need.
• I waste time worrying about waht to do.

Website Vision

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/22/2008

I'm in the process of updating the website and converting it to simple HTML, taping some more scenes to make a DVD, and then marketing. Simultaneously, I'm investigating the adult entertainment industry, training myself in business and the latest web development technologies. With this, I market my skills and live the life that I envision.

Giving up resistance and living as if the world was ideal

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/22/2008

Where to begin? I think there's an awakening in progress and I'm trying to latch onto anything that supports that now. It comes down to taking responsibility for my life, taking charge, not living on auto pilot, acknowledging that things happen in my life, but I don't have to be buffeted - by turning into the waves and facing them instead of letting them wash over me. I'm not sure how far that metaphor will take me.

This morning's service was on the prayer for protection - which influences my latest concerns about humanity. My concern was that no matter how easy recycling is, people still choose not to. When there are two receptacles the same distance away - one trash and one recycling - people still choose to throw the can in the trash. Considering the monumental that will be required to make the world sustainable for so many people, that people won't make the easiest choices is extremely frustrating.

The prayer for protection stands counter to that. It goes: The light of God surrounds me. The love of God enfolds me. The power of God protects me. Wherever I am, God is... And all is well.

I was thinking that there isn't any all inclusive plan being put together that can address the biggest threats to mankind's survival. Even if the best and brightest were to come up with a plan, many people would resist and protest. There would never be consensus.

So where do you go? What happens next? I go back to living the way you would if the world was already evolved. Draw the line in the sand. Stop fighting and start living. Don't resist this or that, but start demonstrating ideal living. And share the vision.

Get off fossil fuels, Eat vegetarian, Give back more than I consume.

Therapy Goals

This is a journal entry from Sometime between Wednesday 6/18 and Friday 6/20/2008

I don't know about therapy. The insurance finally paid something toward the end of last year. I'm waiting for something toward the beginning of this year.

While I don't feel as frenetic as I did when I started with my therapist, I still have fits of rage. I still feel tired from trying to live my life. My partner and I depend on each other so much that I no longer have a support group when he makes me angry.

I'm tired of paying $120 per month to talk to someone, but right now that's my only option besides my partner. And I need more people than that for stability. I can't talk to people at work about Rex Harley. I need to start forming my own hand picked support group.

I could begin by looking for a spiritual mentor, then add a business mentor and a social one... I want to put together something like a mastermind group. I think I need therapy at least until I have that group set up. Of source, that means I'll need to put it on my to-do list.

So, in therapy, I can talk about putting the group together, how to find people who would be a good fit, working on my anger issues and the life fatigue.

Another Attack on Sexual Freedom

AmateurAction.net Owner Indicted for Obscenity

July 24, 2008

The owner of adult website AmateurAction.net has been indicted by a California grand jury on four charges related to distributing obscene materials.

More Threats to Freedom

Max Hardcore Jury Returns Guilty Verdict

June 5, 2008

Jurors in the Max Hardcore obscenity trial have returned a verdict of guilty on 10 federal counts of distributing obscene materials over the Internet and through the mail.

Chilling Effects on Freedom

John Stagliano Arraigned in Federal Court

April 21, 2008

Evil Angel owner John Stagliano was arraigned in U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C. after being indicted on obscenity charges. Stagliano was booked, fingerprinted and then brought before the judge where he pleaded not guilty on all counts.

HDK Questions

Question 1: Describe the man that best turns you on
I like a strong man dripping with testosterone with dark hair and hairy chest, legs and ass. A man who will take charge during sex, telling me what to do to please him and allow him to please me. Men who are bigger than me, but not overweight. Men who are a little bit mean, but who let me know that I am respected and appreciated. Tattoos and piercings are a plus.
Question 2: What are your special sexual talents
I don't know that I have any special talents, other than versatility. There are few fetishes that I don't actively enjoy and want to explore. I like leather, boots, CBT, bondage, flogging, water sports, public sex, dildos, being fucked doggy style, fisting, self fisting, play piercings, sounds, vacuum pumps, baseball bats, enemas, feet, rimming, spanking.
So I'd say my special talents are

1. Following directions well. That comes from military training serving in the National Guard and from being naturally sexually submissive - including the ability to top as required.
   
2. Being able to take relatively large objects up my ass including dildos, other mens hands, and my own hand
3. Enjoying heavy sensations on my balls
4. Versatility regarding the wide range of fetishes that I enjoy

Co-Creator

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/17/2008

I need to take better care of myself. I'm not getting enough of something I need. I don't pay attention to my state of mind until I have an outburst of anger.

Sometimes it's because I'm hungry. Other times, I'm sleepy. Mostly I'm just not very happy. I'm not feeling nourished on a deeper level. Now I think it's because I'm not paying attention to myself. If I notice when I'm out of sorts, maybe I can correct it before it causes a problem. But if I feel agitated and don't know why, then what can I do about it? It's probably much simpler than it sounds.

If I'm hungry, eat.

If I'm sleepy, sleep.

If I'm stressed, take a walk and reconnect.

What happens when I can't shake the stress? I'm stressing myself. I'm pushing very hard on the website. There's no revenue yet. Whether the income comes from the website itself, or if the website leads to something else, I have a lot riding on this emotionally. More than I should.

On the other hand, I am more aware of my state of mind. I'm not as likely to be oblivious. There are times when I recognize the tired feeling I get as I head to work is actually anxiety. Sometimes I notice the clear blue sky and sense how much more there is to the universe than the problems in my life. There are times when I have an inkling of self-confidence regarding my business and can imagine feeling good - or not anxious.

I come back to this sense of being buffeted by life. Why not take charge of life? There are very few things that I must do. It's hard to describe what I mean. It's not time management or setting goals. It's recognizing that I am not buffeted by the universe, but by my reactions to it.

When you feel buffeted by life, take charge as the rightful co-creator of your life. What you create has no ability to harm you.

Where does my heart guide me today?

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/8/2008

My life is mine to design. I have infinite potential. Where does my heart guide me? I feel too tired to be in touch with my heart. If I close my eyes, I can imagine a place of empowerment - where I am free to create a place where I am unencumbered and free to act. I still can't see what it is that I am doing, but I see a flowing forth of creative potential and a reaping of the results. In a classic sense, I grow my prosperity.

Prosperity is a growth of the ability to sow and to reap. Ideas are the seeds of today. What ideas can I plant and nurture that have the greatest capacity for growth and the largest harvest? I don't believe it lies in a salaried job working for someone else.

So I want to A) Complete the Rex Harley website work to the point that there is a DVD being sold through the website and B) Produce the work environment I need to be able to do freelance programming and web development. This includes a component library that I can reuse and leverage in doing my freelance work. I can research including open source products. C) Still need to work on developing a muse company.

A New HDK Model Application?

This is a journal entry from Friday 6/6/2008

Last night, I update the website with the last of the pictures and video clips from Memorial Day. Go to RexHarley.com and see "Bondage with CBT Video & Pics," "Pics out at the campground" and "Vacuum Pump and Fleshlight video."

I'm still updating the website, but I'm going to submit my HDK application. I may follow up with a call to the president of HDK to let him know I was submitting. I still think there's not much chance, but I'm better prepared now than I have been before.

I'm evolving a unified approach to life. I'm preparing myself to leave my current employer. My website is evolving. I'm researching the industry to find out how I might market my skills. I want to also have an outreach for those who want out of the industry - those who may feel trapped doing things they don't want to do. I want to promote the idea that sex is natural and sex is good, but to provide for help for those whose compulsive behavior is damaging their lives.

Not Enough Hours in the Day

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 6/3/2008

There aren't enough hours in the day, but there are enough days for an eternal spirit. I've been stressed about getting more done in less time, and feeling too busy to enjoy life. I think of the things I'm not doing - learning Spanish and sign language, studying engineering, taking martial arts classes... If I start spreading those out instead of trying to do them all now, maybe they are do-able.

How long until I can do my dreamlining again? What business can I create that will allow me to automate myself out of the picture?

Setting Course

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6/1/2008

I don't want to be at home all the time. I wonder how much I could get done by working online away from the house. How long before I get tired of the coffee shops?

"Interest and energy are cyclical," said Timothy Ferriss in The 4-Hour Workweek. It's weird that I sit here trying to figure out what to do with my time when all my needs are met. Like I wouldn't have time to figure that out then.

Soon I will have everything posted that I currently have available for posting. Then it will be bi-weekly updates - until I h ave enough clips together for a DVD.

By then, I will be ready to focus on another project for six months to a year. Depending on where my passion lies. In the meantime, I'm balancing several prosperity forms:

• The Rex Harley website - nearing initial completion
• Contracting
• Freelance work
• Telecommuting
• Muse

I can't pursue all of them at once. For now, I'm giving my full attention to the Rex Harley website. After that, I will give my full attention to updating my resume and putting things together so that I can market my software development skills to the adult entertainment industry. That would be with a telecommuting job or freelance work or contracting. That will include becoming self insured.

One of the things I'd like to do is help set up an escape route for people in the adult industry who do not want to be involved. No one should feel forced to do this. Do I become "Father Rex" to the adult entertainment community?

Leveraging Technical Skills

This is a journal entry from Thursday 5/29/2008

It's a relief to think that I don't have to give up everything I know, but I can leverage my technical skills with Rex Harley. I'm still finding my way. This isn't the muse company that I had been planning on. If I'm doing web development - it would be very time consuming. I was trying to find an automated income. Then I would be able to afford to spend my time the way I chose. My goal is freedom. But I don't know if it's worth the fight to build an adult business. Maybe it would be better to do something more generic and let my website be an expression of joy instead of a business.

My goal is more than Freedom. It is Freedom and Order and Love and Sex and Prosperity.

Even if the website isn't the panacea I'd like, if I can limit the hours of work per week and make it location independent by telecommuting, then I'll have more control over reaching my bigger goals and be working in an industry that I believe in and that could definitely use an infusion of spirituality.

Adult Business Resources

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 5/28/2008

I'm finally finding some resources to help me figure out how to manage and build my website. India and Elance haven't worked because the mainstream companies won't touch the adult business. I'm finally finding some links to businesses that specifically support adult businesses. We'll see how that goes. Some of the pages I found even have job offers for telecommuting web developers. So now I'm thinking about building my skills in that area and using my website to showcase my skills.

Tasks for week of Monday 5/26/2008

This is a journal entry from Monday 5/26/2008

I had been weighing the option of having my next job be a contracting job instead of full time. Now I'm considering going off the grid altogether. Could I make enough money freelancing and with the Rex Harley website to support myself? How do people in the adult industry find contracting resources?

I could use Rex Harley as a showcase of my skills. It's a scary and powerful idea to be completely independent, without relying on a full time job to support me.

But I need help and time. I don't know how to do these things and it takes time to research them. I feel that I need to make some headway before quitting my job, but I won't be able to make any headway before quitting my job. It's hard to keep focus. I need a chart of things to manage or have managed. Insurance is the big one. Then taxes...

So the goals for the week include:
Finishing getting content on the Rex Harley website as soon as possible.
Finishing converting the old format pages to the new maintainable one.
Beginning the process of putting together a software toolkit so that I can quickly be productive as a freelance Java programmer.
Researching how one makes a living as a freelance web developer.

I think the key is going to be the ability to step back from time to time and not get stuck in details. And a willingness to change my approach.

What's the goal for Rex Harley?

While I don't have a clear business plan as of yet, I am committed to the vision statement that's posted on the website:
1) To help others experience sex as a divine gift that we are encouraged to explore.
2) As an exhibitionist, to share my exploration of my sexuality online and with as many men as possible.

I recognize that I am not going to make large chunks of money with this website. I don't have the look that would attract large numbers of fans. I do think that I can fill a niche of people who would be attracted to my body type.

Possible refinements of the niche involve:
1) The spiritual and self-acceptance angle - where I show by example that it's good to be gay and that there is an innocence in pure physical pleasure.
2) Reviewing or giving access to the toys that I play with. I saw a toy in a video once that I wanted and then had to spend hours trolling around the Internet to find one.

I've got the website http://rexharley.com and two blogs: http://rexharley.blogspot.com/ discusses the website and the travails of getting it set up and forming a business as an adult entertainer and http://manonmansex.blogspot.com/ where I want to post stories. I figure posting them there will be easier than writing new web pages for rexharley.com by scratch.

So far the only revenue stream is affiliate advertising. I'm not interested in thumbnail farms or bogus blogs that are only intended for advertising - but am more than happy to advertise quality services on the blog and on the website.

I am considering using this a primarily a learning experience so that I can leverage my software and web development skills with the adult entertainment industry.

If I could engineer a way to earn between 50 and 100k per year in after tax dollars with this franchise, then I will be more than happy.

Safe from India Outsourcing

This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/25/2008

I’m having a hard time finding anyone in India that can accomplish any of my tasks for Rex Harley. In the most recent incident, I asked for straightforward industry research on companies. They weren’t able to do it because they were business in the adult industry. I wasn’t asking for anyone to look at any pictures. I just wanted names and addresses and where they make their money. I guess this is one industry that is safe from outsourcing to India.

Programming Experience and Adult Content

This is a journal entry from Tuesday 5/20/2008

The website is coming along. I've decided to finish adding pictures that I hadn't posted yet. The idea is to get as much content on the website as possible - knowing that more will always be coming. since progress has been so rapid, I've decided to finish it up before starting my new job search in earnest. It will be less to worry about.

I should be doing another video clip at Lonestar this weekend. I should print some business cards. I'd love to do ass play, but it's difficult to clean up out there. I may try anyway. The backup plan for now involves a vacuum pump and a fleshlight. I wonder if I could do some self bondage.

I guess then it would be a matter of coming up with a brand and doing some marketing. And modeling. and researching the industry.
And here's a new thought - to start marketing my programming skills to the adult industry on a contract basis. Others probably have trouble finding outsource resources in India as I did. I had been toying with the idea of a website where I could do work that was not adult oriented. Why not bundle my efforts?

Imagine Being Free - Again

This is a journal entry from Sunday 5/18/2008

This is my weekly "imagine being free" time. If I had all the money I could want and was free to spend my time however I wanted, what would I do? Timothy Ferris says "Energy and interest are cyclical" in The 4-Hour Workweek. There's more than one final answer to that question. I don't need to find one thing that fills me with passion forever, just for the next 6 to 12 months. So what is my vision today? Place myself there, and write.

I am self employed. I am easily making enough money to pay my bills and save fore retirements. I have decent health insurance and can easily afford my HIV meds. I'm also a body builder and my muscular body looks and feels good. I am nude at least 80% of the time. I am very comfortable and love my life. My partner and I are very happy together.

I write. Philosophy. Sex stories. Sex movies. I travel. I write software applications, applications that help me run my business - organizing video clips, website advertising, and pictures. I write bodybuilding applications for hand held devices and cellphones.

There are millions of ways to earn money. I don't have to be trapped for a company that controls my productivity and demands all of my time. I do need to be open to receiving. Whatever I give my attention to grows. Always and without exception.

Hot Desert Knights

This is a journal entry from Friday 16 May, 2008.

When I think of being in a Hot Desert Knights movie, my heart races and I get butterflies in my stomach. That makes me think I'd end up as a bottom. That's fine by me, but tops are harder to find and I might have better odds of being in a movie if I could top.

I've had no trouble getting hard for the camera when it's handled by my partner. If I'm in the studio with cameramen and a director and others, can I get hard?

Maybe I could do a simulation. Lonestar is next weekend. If I could get a few people to watch my partner filming me masturbating, it could be a good enough simulation of being in a professional film studio.

Life Design

This is a journal entry from Sunday 11 May, 2008.
Envision having a flow of income such that I don't have to have a regular salaried job. I am surrounded by infinite substance. My supply, my infinite supply comes from God through me to find it's expression in substance.

This week has reinforced my conviction that I need to leave the company. I don't respect it and it doesn't seem to respect me or other developers working for it. The emotional cost is too high.

I design my life. It would be helpful if there was a guide to life design. A checklist and a place to store the blueprints. Most of the time, the design is unconscious. I'm looking for how to open myself to receive a flow of substance, or several flows of substance. What does my life look like?

• Nude, sensual and relaxed.
• Earth friendly - zero emission.
• Socially responsible.
  
• Living as if the world was ideal as a means of causing it to be more ideal. Don't fight what you disagree with - embody it's opposite.
• Consume only renewable/reduce non-recoverable resources
• No landfill wastes

I can create. What do I want to manifest? How do I grow my prosperity? What is ideal today?

• My partner is ideal
• Having Rex Harley to safely express my exhibitionism is ideal

With all my other goals, now I want to launch a job search.

Ethical Self Doubt And The Desire To Excel

This is a journal entry from Wednesday 7 May, 2008.
I would love to stay home today to work on the website. I feel compelled right now and feel I could wrap things up. Having to schedule an hour here or an hour there to make minor progress is frustrating. And there's another piece of the equation. It takes between thirty minutes and an hour to hook in a new photo set. It takes longer to tape a video clip, edit it, post it on X-tube and add a page on the website to display it. I'm going to want to outsource that process. That will make it easier to promote the sites I'm advertising with their own content.

I could also find wants to automate this process, but that would take more time when I'm trying to save time. 80/20. What 20% can I do to reap the 80%

Here's the key. How do I become an expert in this industry and demand a higher fee for my services? How do I stay noble when the industry is filled with people out to make a buck at the expense of others?

Enhancing the website

This is a journal entry from Sunday 4 May, 2008.
I've spent as much time as I could to put together a template for pages on the rexharley.com website so that I can build them more quickly and consistently. It's taken alot more time than I scheduled, but it's a learning process. I should be able to start rolling it out soon. First, I was going to update some of my outdated pages. Then I'd like to start putting out some of the free content from the affiliate programs. I may as well use the motivation while it's there. I don't like letting other things slip, but I don't want the procrastination on things I don't want to do block me from the motivation I feel.
So far, I've been imagining that being free was having the resources to quit work and have complete control over how I spend my time. But I don't need to quit my job to be able to spend an hour a week with nothing to do except whatever I want to do. The weather is beautiful today. The sun is out and the birds are singing. I am free to sit here and create my universe.
I want to do bodybuilding. I enjoy the experience in the gym with the way it smells and the men I see, but there's a desire behind the desire. I want to look in the mirror and see a muscular defined body. I imagine this would make me more sexually attractive and that men I have sex with and who watch me have sex would have an even better experience. I want to please the men I have sex with and I want to see them using me to experience ecstasy. I like the idea of being used as a sexual plaything and feel drawn to it.
Given the within-out, without-in insight from a few entries ago, I imagine that God has the same compulsion to grant us our heart's desire. The problem is that we don't feel deserving, so we attract less than we deserve. It's what we ask for. And it's consistent with Christ teaching - "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32.
I guess the next desire for my freedom is to make porn for the same reasons.
It's hard to imagine what I would do with my free time after that. If I had the money I would ever need, what would I do? I would be naked more. Nudity is the next passion. I dream of engineering a life where I never need to wear clothes. For me, this is a spiritual ideal. I want to live as I was created as naturally as possible. Clothing is so artificial. Living nude is the height of freedom for me.
I'm afraid that without a job, I would need a purpose. I would need work to do. I would grow bored by simply reading and writing. You can only work out at the gym so much. I imagine that after so much time off that my office would be clean, my life would be organized and my website would be easily maintainable. After that, I could do some periodic traveling, but there's always the bulk of time for living.
The 4 Hour Work Week book by Timothy Ferriss shows that this work can change from time to time, so I don't need to pick one "life's work" forever. I can move from challenge to challenge.
I want to get the website in the shape that I want. That's where my passion is right now. Intuitively, I should use the three principles of getting 80% of the results from 20% of the effort and that a job will expand to take the amount of time we've scheduled, but this week is educational for me. I don't want to feel rushed. I don't want to schedule some time and have to stop before I am done.
So the goal for this week is to complete the thumbnail page and image display templates, create some advertising panels and migrate my personal pis that are still in v1 and v2 formats to the new v3 format. Next week I can work on the video pages and maybe the mixed pages. Finally I'll update the category pages and entry portal. At that point, it should be a breeze to add videos and pictures to the website.

Getting The Next Thing Done

This is a journal entry from Saturday 26 April, 2008.
Being uptight and nervous isn't helping. Every now and then I can imagine being relaxed and not focusing on "getting the next thing done," or avoiding "getting the next thing done." It's amazing how much effort avoiding "getting the next thing done" takes.
I've got an organization system for my office now and it seems to work. I've still got alot of old stuff that built up before I had my system to go through. I'm also redesigning my financial plan. Actually there's much more going on, but those are a couple of things that I focus on now. So when the weekend comes, I focus more on that than on resting and recovering. But I still need that time when I can feel relaxed and unpressured.
It doesn't help that we're at the end of a release at work and everything is really busy. It's forcing me to revisit my other plans and extend their time lines. This is what brought to the forefront that my job is getting in the way of my life. And it's the reason I've been looking for other ways to support myself. While my job pays my bills and let's me pursue my dreams, it also blocks me. So I remind myself that God is the source of my abundant supply. I look for new ways to be in the flow and grow my prosperity.
What is it like to really believe that God will take care of me? I've often had faith that God could take care of me, but I wondered if he would. I wonder if he thought I was worthy of his blessings. But if I wasn't worthy, I wouldn't be here. The very act of being alive is evidence of God in me. My sincere desires are God inspired. If my sincere desires are sensual, erotic and sexual, they are still from God.

The One True Source

This is a partial journal entry from Sunday 20 April, 2008.
I just saw something to remind me again that my job is not the source of my money. My website will not be the source of my money. God is the source of my prosperity. Prosperity is something we grow over time. But my job is one avenue that I have opened to receive. If I want to leave my job, it would be wise to open one or more other avenues to receive the flow from the One Source. The more I bless these new avenues, the greater the abundance and prosperity I will experience. The more I give, the greater the flow because I create a space to receive...

Spiritual Sex

This is a journal entry from Monday 14 April, 2008.
So what does any of that have to do with sex? This weekend, I was in a Body Electric event - Celebrating the Body Erotic. During the culmination, I was able to experience physically and emotionally what I talked about in the last entry. My personal experience of the outside world within me in one breath, and my physical presence in the world outside me in the next, and the unity of the whole experience throughout. Outside in, inside out, outside in, inside out... I was making love with the universe, with God, with the help of and through my partner - my love. I was one with the other men in the class experiencing ecstasy. I was one with the universe. I was one with God. And everything was perfect. What a wonderful and glorious god that would bring my partner and I together. All the things that seem wrong with the world are trivial compared to God's perfection. And everything is toward a greater good. It was overpoweringly beautiful and powerful and it brought me to tears.

In the Image of God

This is a journal entry from Friday 11 April, 2008.
I've talked about the world being a projection of my consciousness - as it is for all beings. I tend to think of it as being a reflection within me of the world outside me and choosing to re-mold my experience of my version of reality.
Now I'm reading a book called "In the Flow of Life" by Eric Butterworth. In this book, the perspective is of the inner omnipresent God streaming out into the world. There is a quote "No matter what I may think I am, I am the flowing forth of the One."
I see this as the other end of the bridge from the other perspective. As the inner becomes more aligned with the outer, the inner has greater understanding and influence of the outer. While our inner version of the outer universe is always imperfect, we always act according to our inner vision and so influence the outer. We always do this regardless if we realize it or not.
It's odd what we focus on. With everything going on at work and on the Rex Harley website. I've been focusing on what doesn't feel right. Being overworked and not having time to get caught up at home. But there are also times recently when I've felt a sense of freedom. This morning on the way to work, I became aware of the infinite potential surrounding me. I've been trying to slow down and let myself imagine having "made it" so that I didn't have to work anymore and what it would feel like laying by an pool in Palm Springs with no obligations.
I have complete freedom. I could leave work today and never come back.

The point is that I have more control over my experience than I typically acknowledge. I tend to feel buffeted at work and in life. No matter what gets done, there is more to do, etc. The point of the book is to become aware of the flow of my influence outward into the world. It's time to start feeling my power, rather than feeling powerless.
This brings me back to Truth. My earlier view of having a personal experience of the universe within me that is a reflection of the outer. And the opposite and equally correct perspective of the inner experiences being the cause of my action is in the outer. This is a yin yang duality. And in between along the "boundary" of the two is The One. because certainly while everything I experience is within me, I also act on the reality within me - which also acts on the outer reality.
While I cannot literally contain the Universe, I can contain an image. God contains the literal universe as I contain the image. Thus I am god of my subjective universe. Is this what the Bible means when it says man was created in the image of God?

Sexual Acceptance

This is a journal entry from Sunday 6 April, 2008.
God doesn't judge us. We judge ourselves. How odd that we spend so much time suppressing who are and feeling guilty about it. If people really believe we are made in the image and likeness of God, then why do they also believe we should be ashamed of how God made us - who we are and how we look.
I've tried to embrace that. It is at the core of my life as a nudist. I want to be more like God created me - which is nude. It is why I permit myself to enjoy being gay. So long as it is not unhealthy and doesn't dishonor or harm others, I try to embrace the things that I love.
I've posted a new video on XTube. It's called "Playing with Endorphins" and involves clothespins. If you're an adult, please feel free to check it out.

Sexual Spirituality

This is a journal entry from Sunday 30 March, 2008.

I am sexually expressive. It's a core aspect of who I am. But I also am a spiritual being seeking enlightenment. So do I abandon one part of me in manifesting another? I can't imagine how. I wouldn't be whole. So my life's work has become finding how these two aspects of myself coexist within me.

So, aside from helping men get their rocks off, one of the goals of my website is to reach the men who are looking in shame for sexual images on the Internet and helping them embrace themselves as sexual beings as well as spiritual. I want them to experience their God given sexual pleasure. I want them to learn that God doesn't judge them and that they have permission to completely abandon themselves to pleasure during sex and that this can be an avenue to experience God.

I try to do this by example – sharing my sexual ecstasy on the Internet for others to enjoy. In so doing, I want to set up a cycle of sexual energy between me and those watching me. I want us to have simultaneous orgasms across time and space so that we are all connected. I even watch my videos and get off with myself. How sexual is that?

Universal Substance and Relaxation

This is a journal entry from Sunday 30 March, 2008.

The Unity calendar on my wall at the office has a quote about living in a garden of substance. The key for me is that we grow our lives given this substance through our thoughts. The other point is that we are creating our lives all the time whether we are conscious of it or not.

Today, I am carrying a lot of tension. I would like to start growing some relaxation. I am feeling tense which is taking away my ability to enjoy keeping up with my life. I've got a massage scheduled for today. Instead of trying to spend the entire day in relaxation, I want to find a way to relax while living my life – in the midst of it.

New Video - Call it number one.

I've finally finished uploading the anal masturbation video that I made on January 5. It's broken into four clips. The first is free and the other 3 clips are 5 cents per minute. I've also uploaded all four clips into a single movie for 3 cents per minute, so it's cheaper to see the whole video than each part separately.
My goal is to put this together with 4 or 5 other videos for a masturbation DVD. I don't know if anyone will buy it, but it'll be fun making it!
There is also some irritating news. XTube has eliminated it's webmaster accounts. That means I can no longer upload videos to the main XTube area with a link to the Rex Harley website. It also means I can't show any clips unless they actually log into XTube. I could post these freebies to my website, but I'm trying to save bandwidth. For the user experience, I may not have any choice to make them downloadable and see how this affects the bandwidth.
I'll try and post some more historical information about the birth and evolution of Rex Harley Unlimited in the next post.

Rex Harley's Purpose

On August 31, 2007, I went down to the county clerk and registered a company called Rex Harley Unlimited. At that point, the concept behind the company was very vague. It still is, but it’s getting clearer.

I’m an exhibitionist. I’ve always wanted to know if I could be a porn star, but I didn’t want to devote the time to it or jeopardize my career. I was pretty sure I’d never be able to earn enough money by being a porn star. I’m not what people are looking for. Plus, I wanted something that would last me after my youthful looks were gone.

Anyway, after years working in the software development industry, I have enough spare cash that I can promote myself. I feel that if I actually own the company that is distributing my material then I have a much better chance of making enough money to earn a living from it. That way, I don’t just make a small fixed amount for a scene, or even a small percentage of future earnings. I actually get to keep what I earn.

I’m 42 and HIV positive and I’m going to try to live out my fantasy of having hundreds or thousands of people enjoy watching me masturbate and having sex. And maybe some of those will actually blow their wad in sync with me when I cum on the video. When you see me looking intensely at you through the camera when I’m cumming, that’s what I’m trying to experience. I’m experiencing having an orgasm with all the people who are cumming with me in the future.

A New Beginning

And so, with a few simple clicks, Rex Harley has a blog to express the current state of his new career as an adult gay male amateur performer. This blog will be clean. For anything more pornographic, you will have to visit my website at www.rexharley.com.